When the will was read, everybody figured she'd been crazy when she wrote it.
And that included me.
But I changed my mind after spending a night on an island with a pig, a cat, and an ape.
Because in reality, they were people.
From the pen of Raymond Chandler, outstanding author of crime fiction, comes his most famous character.
As CBS presents...
The Adventures of Philip Marlowe.
And now, with Gerald Moore, starred as Philip Marlowe, we bring you tonight's unusual story, Where There's a Will.
I had spent the whole day on a noisy job which had concerned itself with a lot of people who talked a lot and said nothing.
When I finally locked up my office for the night, I was worn out.
As I drove slowly along the street, I was glad to be heading for home and little peace and quiet.
At least, that's what I thought.
But when I pulled up for a full stop sign only a half a block from my apartment, something happened which brought my little dream of peace and quiet to an end.
A car door opposite me flew open and something mighty excited jumped in.
I'm being followed. Drive on, please.
The law?
No, please drive on.
Okay, lady, get a good grip on the upholstery.
There, that ought to do it.
Now, what's the...
Say, you look a little pale and beautiful.
I'm always pale when my heart's in my mouth.
Well, then why don't you swallow once, take a deep breath and tell me who was after you.
There isn't much to tell. It was a nasty little man, that's all I know.
So thanks for making like Barney Oldfield and good night.
Hey, hey, not so fast. It's impolite to hitch and run.
Look, mister, right now I'm up to my earrings in trouble and that leaves very little time for small talk with strangers. Even nice ones.
Well, in that case, the name is Philip Marlowe, which takes care of the stranger part and I'm a private detective, which makes trouble my business.
Where do we go from there?
No place. Three hundred thousand dollars worth of hidden bonds, a screwy old lady and a sculptor with a red beard are too much for any one man police force, Mr. Marlowe.
So again, good night.
Before I could say anything, she was out and gone.
There was only the heady scent of taboo in the air and the memory of a gorgeous profile with jet black hair and pale blue eyes.
I sighed like a schoolboy and decided to put her under the heading of things that pass in the night.
But I couldn't. Why out of all the cars in Los Angeles should she have picked on mine?
Well, the next morning as I was walking down the corridor to my office door, I was still seeing pale blue eyes.
Maybe that's why I didn't notice the man who waited outside my door until I was almost on top of him.
He was well dressed and about thirty five. He looked like a man who had forgotten how to smile.
Marlowe.
Right.
I want to compliment you on your behavior last night, Mr. Marlowe. Barbara told me about it.
Oh? Come on in, Mr.
Shields. Edward Shields.
Would you be interested in aiding three people in a search for more than a quarter of a million dollars in negotiable bonds, one percent of which will be yours if the bonds are found?
Being a fairly fast man with figures, yes. Yes, I would.
Splendid.
I'd like a few details.
Well, Mr. Marlowe, my aunt, Bernice Mayhew Shaw died leaving her entire fortune to charity, with the exception of the bonds I mentioned.
Those are to be divided equally among three of us, the sole heirs, if we find them within twenty four hours.
That sounds like something you dream about after a midnight snack of pizza and pig's knuckles.
Perhaps. But you didn't know, my aunt.
Beside myself, the beneficiaries are Barbara Haynes, the girl you met last night.
She was Aunt Bernice's personal secretary.
And another nephew, Harlin Crane, who at the moment happens to be a sculptor.
Happens to be?
Six months ago he was a sailor, before that a writer, without even a rejection slip to his name.
My cousin is irresponsible, impetuous, and completely self-indecisive.
The will itself, Mr. Shields. What are the exact conditions?
At precisely noon today, the three of us are to meet with Luther Willard, my beloved aunt's lawyer, who will give us each a large sheet of tissue paper covered with specific markings.
Individually, the sheets mean absolutely nothing, but combined, one over the other, the transparent sheets form a coherent map to the location of the bonds.
But why all the intrigue?
My dear departed aunt had a peculiar sense of humor.
In addition to this, she was never particularly fond of any of us.
She was sure that our individual shortcomings would make cooperation among us impossible, even for so short a period as twenty four hours.
And the fact that a man followed Miss Haynes last night convinced you that there was something to that, eh?
Convinced me? No, he may have been nothing but a person at you.
Nevertheless, I do feel that to play safe for fourth party, a custodian of the map, so to speak, would be advisable.
That's fine. When do I go to work, Mr. Shields?
At noon, at the lawyer's office.
However, I regret that first you must be approved by the third heir.
I don't like to ask this, Mr. Marlowe, but would you mind very much calling on my cousin Harlan personally?
Not at all. As a matter of fact, I think he might prove very interesting.
Yes, I am sure he will. As interesting as an ape in the zoo.
I felt like saying, look, Shields, I'm not as gullible as I look.
But then I thought a client's a client and I decided to play along.
Harlan Crane, six foot, red-bearded giant, talked as he worked, wielding a ten pound sculptor's mallet, like it was an eighteenth century quill.
I'm very frank with you, Marlowe. Money isn't everything to me and never has been.
Over a hundred thousand dollars will buy a lot of marble.
Half the state of a mutt, I'd say. But coming to the point, Mr. Crane, do I get your seal of approval?
Oh, I imagine you'll be all right. Anyone who can get by Shields, the all-American Scrooge, ought to do.
Thanks, a million.
I'm not being personal with your concern. It's just a matter of facing a fact bluntly.
Edward Shields is conniving, avaricious, and dull. I hardly recommend him to nobody.
And the girl, Barbara, you feel the same way about her?
No, I don't. And the truth of the matter, Marlowe, is that I know very little about Barbara Haynes.
But what I do know, I like very much.
Yeah, that I can understand.
Marlowe, do you realize that once you have the whole map in your possession, you're worth an awful lot of money?
Of course I do. The whole map, I have a market value of exactly three hundred thousand dollars.
That's right, fellow. Three hundred thousand dollars, dead or alive.
I know it was small of me, but I didn't exactly see the joke.
And things got less funny as time went on.
Later, as me and my trio got off the elevator at the lawyer's office,
old Luther Willard and Bernice's attorney was waiting for us, so excited he could hardly talk.
I've been held up.
What?
A little man, he wanted the map.
A little man, dark complexion?
Yes, yes. He had a scar on the side of his neck.
How are the maps all right?
The maps? Yes, yes, they're all right.
Now wait a minute, wait a minute, everybody. Give him a chance.
Mr. Willard, tell us exactly what happened.
This is Mr. Marlowe. We told you about him, Mr. Willard.
Of course, yes, yes. Come into my office.
You see, I was putting some papers into my safe when this little man stepped up behind me and demanded the maps.
Where were they in the safe? No, no, thank heavens. Make yourselves comfortable.
The maps, Mr. Willard, where are they now?
Right here where they were all the time, here under the blotter on my desk.
Clever of me, wasn't it? Wax seals, still intact.
I'll take all three of them right now, Mr. Willard. That is, if there are no objections.
All right, then I guess we can be on our way.
Hold on, Mr. Marlowe. There are still two things you people must know.
First, in the event the bonds are not recovered within the 24 hours, I am instructed to open another sealed envelope,
which I am happy to report is kept at my bank vault.
That envelope contains a complete and simplified map and is to be turned over to a designated charity.
And second, if any of you die before the allotted time is up, the bonds are to be divided among the surviving persons.
And if none of us survives, Mr. Willard?
Why, in that case, the bonds again go to charity.
You see, Harlan, your aunt was a very generous woman.
After arranging to meet with the Three Heirs at Shields Place later that afternoon,
I headed for the nice and public public library, where I figured I'd be able to examine the maps and safety.
By placing the three maps exactly one over the other,
I saw that the bonds were hidden on the larger of two squares of land called Twin Islands,
which were the personal property of the late Bernice Mayhew Shaw,
and located in Indian Lake in the San Bernardino mountains.
As I left the library with the three maps in my pocket, I felt like a well-fed mallard on the opening day of hunting season.
Then I knew I was being followed.
As I slipped into a doorway and turned, I saw it was a nasty little man with a scar.
All right, you, we're through playing tag.
Oh, let me go.
Not yet, Shorty, not until you talk loud and clear.
No, no, don't hit me, please. Please hit me down, I'll talk. I'll tell you everything.
All right. If you're sure you can get it all straight the first time, there.
Now, the whole story, beginning, middle and end.
Yeah, yeah, like you say, whole story.
Okay, starts like this.
By the time I figured out that it had been the sawed-off end of a broomstick that had slammed my stomach up against my backbone,
the little man was out of sight.
Another five minutes went by before I quit calling myself sucker and I started to think straight.
The nearest public locker was in the Santa Fe Trailways bus depot on Cahuenga.
I went up there and deposited two-thirds of the map for safekeeping until we were ready to leave for Indian Lake.
And I found a telephone and a half a dozen calls later I knew that a caretaker named Jumbo was the sole inhabitant of Twin Islands.
And my last call was to him.
I wanted some kind of a welcoming committee ready for us.
When I left the phone booth, it was only one o'clock.
So I returned to my apartment where I figured I'd rest until three when we were all to meet at Shield's place.
But that was my second mistake.
Because the moment I closed my apartment door, I was positive I wasn't going to get much rest.
I had an unannounced visitor.
Yeah, you look surprised, Mr. Marlow.
I am. I didn't recognize you at first without your broomstick.
Yeah, I traded that in on this.22 Target pistol here.
It's more expensive, but it's better. It makes me as big as you are.
Maybe bigger.
Yeah, but how much does it do for your personality?
Quite a bit.
Gives me poise. And poise gives me manners.
So when asking for that map in your pocket, I'll even say please.
Come on, Marlow, I won't say please twice.
No, I don't think you would. Here.
Thank you.
Now, before I go, one more thing.
The hall outside here is straight and narrow, right to the stairs, and that makes it fine for shooting.
So after I step out, don't do anything rash.
For a while.
So, loving life as I do, I didn't do anything rash for a while.
In fact, I could have whipped up a nice seven-minute frosting before I moved it all.
And I phoned the three heirs to get together at my apartment.
When I finally had them all seated in front of me, I related the saga of the Little Man,
including my premonition that one of the three present was signing his paychecks.
Of course, I got nothing but cupid-dol innocence out of any of them.
So after adding that we'd get underway just as soon as the missing one-third of the map was returned to me,
I threw my trench coat over my arm and told them I was going for a walk.
But before leaving them, I reminded them that whoever was behind the Little Man could fire him.
Because I would never have kept all three maps in one place anyway,
unless all of the heirs were on hand to watch one another.
Then I left.
I hadn't walked more than a half a block up Franklin when I stopped at the sound of Barbaro running after me.
Phil, I'm scared. Harlan and Shield are acting like a couple of wild men, calling each other every name under the sun.
What'd you expect, chitchat about the weather?
I quit acting like a bobby-soxer within squealing distance of Sinatra and try a cigarette.
It'll calm your...
What is it, Phil? Why are you smiling like that? What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong, Barbara, nothing.
It's just that I found this in the pocket of my trench coat when I went for my cigarettes.
It's the map.
That's right. The missing third. It's back already.
When that missing third part of the map turned up so fast, I figured the heirs had decided to play ball.
But I made a mental note to keep my eyes on them anyway.
At three o'clock, I went to Edward Shield's hillside house in Laurel Canyon for the scheduled meeting.
Shields wasn't home yet, but cousin Harlan was there admiring the view.
Barbara showed up a few minutes later in a convertible and Shields arrived last by cab.
It finally began to look as though we might actually start out all together.
Well, I see we all arrived safe and sound.
Yeah, disappointed?
Only by your clumsy attempts at humor, Harlan.
Stop it, boys. Let's get started.
Phil, have you looked at the map? Where are we going?
To Indian Lake. It's a four-hour drive, so if you're all ready, I suggest we get started.
Very well. I'll go up to the garage and get the car.
So Aunt Bernice hid the buns in a rooster twin islands, eh?
Well, well, well.
Nobody seems surprised that the location Aunt Bernice had chosen to hide her buns.
And Harlan, Barbara and I stood on the front porch watching Shields as he climbed the very steep driveway to his garage and the car.
But Barbara got more of my attention than Shields.
Ah, she made a mighty dreamy picture.
And she leaned casually back against the rail of the porch.
She wasn't aware that I was watching her.
And I suddenly saw her go tense, her eyes filled with fear, and I quickly turned to follow her stare.
Shields' car was going at a rapid clip down the steep driveway.
I still couldn't figure out Barbara's concern, and then she started screaming.
The car's out of control.
The car was headed for the edge of a cliff.
His brakes are out.
He'll go over.
The tree, the tree stopped him.
Shields, are you hurt?
No, no, I'm all right. The brakes, I, I tried to stop them.
You hadn't hit that tree.
The car's gone over the edge.
Let's have a look at those brakes, Shields.
Well, no wonder.
What is it?
Brake line's broken, every drop of fluid drained out.
I might have been killed.
No, might have bought it, Shields.
We stood there for a while, all looking at one another, but nothing was said.
Brake lines rarely snap accidentally.
I remembered that Harlan had been at Shields' house early, and the car had been in the garage, and Barbara...
Well, I had to admit that she actually had anticipated the car going out of control.
Well, the 24 hours for finding the bonds were slipping by, and I knew we had to get to Indian Lake.
We held a short powwow without passing the peace pipe, and we decided to take Barbara's car.
We picked up the rest of the map, which I'd checked at the bus station, and we shoved off.
After a four-hour drive that was about as relaxing as the thought of an overdue time bomb in a day nursery,
we finally pulled up to the shores of Indian Lake.
Jumbo, the caretaker, was waiting at the dock.
He knew how to handle a boat, and a few minutes later we could see twin islands.
We headed for the smaller of the two, where I could make out a rambling lodge.
The other island a quarter of a mile away seemed deserted.
Shields was the first one to show up.
Here, Barbara, let me help you.
Run along, boy. I'll help Barbara.
Thanks, Harlan.
Well, Milo, what now?
Well, first we go up to the house.
Oh, Jumbo, you got everything ready for us?
Hey, Jumbo!
Huh? Oh, oh, sure. Sure, everything's ready, Mr. Milo.
Just like you said, I opened four of the upstairs rooms.
Opened the rooms? We're not going to sleep out here, are we?
We're going to try.
But this isn't a vacation. We're here to find the bonds and get out.
You realize it's almost nine already?
That leaves us just 15 hours, Milo.
Yeah, I know. I got a good watch and I count to 24, and I'm also giving orders to your tree.
Don't get high-handed, Milo. You're an employee of ours, and that's all.
Let's get the map together and start looking for those bonds right now.
Take it easy, big man. The bonds are hidden on the other island.
The map is as tangled as a secondhand spiderweb.
We wouldn't get anything at all down in the dark.
Sure, but...
Look, you people hired me to help you find those bonds.
If I have to get nasty to make you take orders, I can do that too.
Now, let's play like we're smart and go up to the lodge and relax.
All right, Milo.
But remember, we'd better have those bonds by tomorrow, or someone else will be nasty.
Very nasty. And I mean me.
What, you too?
Getting the three heirs settled down at dinner table was quite a chore.
And when I was sure they'd keep an eye on each other, I slipped outside.
I hid one-third of the map in a drainpipe, and I went upstairs to my room,
and I hid another third in the window shade.
Now, the maps were settled, and I began to think about other things like...
like the accident to Shield's car.
There were too many accidents and coincidences to suit me.
So I decided to drop in on Cousin Holland's room to see what I could see.
After 15 fruitless minutes, I was about to leave when...
something in the wastebasket caught my eye.
The corner of a half-hidden handkerchief monogrammed H.C.
I had just picked it up when I saw a jumbo standing in the open door.
That handkerchief there in your hand,
that blood on it?
No. It looks more like brake fluid.
And in this case, it's practically the same thing, huh?
I think we'll leave it right here in the wastebasket, Jumbo.
Oh, did you want something?
There's one to say I'll be in my own place out back if you want me.
Okay. You know where Mr. Shields is?
He's out in the veranda.
Alone? Thanks, Jumbo. If I need anything, I'll call you. Good night.
Shields.
Oh, it's you, Marlow. What's wrong?
You sound like a man expecting trouble.
I was nearly killed in my car this afternoon,
and I don't think that was the end of it.
Yeah, and don't stand too close to high windows.
Thank you. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my suspicions.
Maybe, uh, how are you betting, I'm the beauty or the beast?
Don't be absurd. I hope someday to marry Barbara.
Yeah? Well, a guy might be beating you up,
with a sculptor's mallet.
You may be naive, Mr. Marlow, but Barbara isn't.
I saw them just a moment ago walking down to the boathouse.
Harlan's galloping after her like a half-baked idiot, as usual.
But if Miss Haynes prefers me, what can he do about it?
There was an answer for that,
but it seemed a little obvious under the circumstances.
A few minutes later, Shields went inside,
and I made a beeline for the boathouse.
to water down a certain hot-headed sculptor named Harlan.
When I got within earshot, I knew I'd be as welcome as Hoopingcar
for the glassblower's convention.
So I stopped and listened.
Barbara, darling, I'm falling in love with you.
You know that, don't you?
Let me hold you close.
Harlan, I... Oh, Harlan.
This is real, Barbara.
For the first time in my life, I'm truly in love.
I want to do things for you, make you happy.
Please, Wade. I'm not completely free.
There are still ties with Edward, you know.
Shields, that fat stingy babbitt.
He's no man for you.
Why, if he so much as touches you from now on, I...
Wait a minute, Barbara.
Marla, you cheap snooping eavesdropper!
Eavesdropping is a minor vice compared to some of the shenanigans
going on around here.
What do you mean by that?
A word to the wise is sufficient.
You, I'll give a few more.
Somebody's trying to cut our little triangle down to two sides
before noon tomorrow.
What I've seen so far, I don't like, so I'm warning everybody.
What are you accusing me of, boy?
Harlan, stop it. Don't be a fool.
You cavemen control yourselves until those bonds are found?
Come on, Harlan, let's go in.
Good night, Marlo.
Don't get your head caught in any transoms.
Deciding sleep wouldn't be very healthy for a man in my position.
I decided to sit up that night.
It was about 2 o'clock when I looked out the window
and saw something mighty interesting.
A light was moving on the other island opposite us.
I got hold of John Gohan and went over there as fast as we could.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
There we're beach.
That light's dead ahead, Mr. Marlo.
Looks to me like it's up in the picnic shelter.
Yeah, I'll see you later, John-Bo.
Who's there?
Guess who.
Oh, Marlo, I didn't hear you come up.
Wind's too strong, I guess.
I'm glad to see you. Spooky here all alone.
Oh, sure.
What's the idea? Decide to do a little freelance prospecting?
Yeah, that's right.
Bernice May, you love this spot.
I had a hunch she hid the bonds here in the base of this table.
Oh, I guess I was wrong.
Oh, come on, Marlo, limber up.
You can't blame me for trying.
Listen, beautiful, don't flap your eyelashes at me.
I can't see anything but double crosses right now.
All right, if you've had your fun, let's go back to the lodge.
Don't be that way, Phil.
Phil, the sun will be coming up in two or three hours.
Why not wait for it here with me?
Barbara, baby, don't burn up too many calories with that routine.
Because I only keep one third of the map on me.
You think you're so smart.
Bright ideas hatch in that cute little brain of yours, too.
Now let's... Oh, comes the gun with a pearl handle, no less.
Stay away from me, Marlo. Over there.
Hey, what's going on here, Eddie?
Jumbo.
Look out, Jumbo.
Jumbo stepped into the light and Barbara turned.
I made a swipe at a gun hand that knocked pistol, purse, and lamp all over the picnic shelter.
I found the gun and gave it to Jumbo.
Then I started to pick up an assortment of knickknacks that had spilled out of a purse.
But I never finished.
Because one of the items made my eyes pop.
It was the monogrammed handkerchief covered with brake fluid that I'd found in Holland's room.
It all made sense now.
It tied up everything that I'd suspected right along.
If only two of my tray I would plan to split up the $300,000 worth of bonds from the first.
As I ran for the motor launch, I yelled at Jumbo to bring Barbara over in the rowboat.
All the way back, I had the panicky feeling that I was probably too late.
But when I sneaked in the front door of the lodge, there was still two voices.
And they came from the open kitchen door.
With my hand on my gun, I edged along the wall and peeked in.
Seals, you're a fool.
Perhaps. But I'm going to kill you and have a perfect case of self-defense.
What are you talking about?
You're a hopelessly framed cousin, Harlan.
I ruined the brakes on my own car. I planted your handkerchief, stained with brake fluid in your room.
Marlow found it. He's convinced that you tried to kill me.
He's also convinced that he was brought into this whole thing by coincidence.
He doesn't know that he was deliberately involved in our search for the bonds,
just so he'd make a reputable witness.
You're out of your mind.
Not at all. I'm going to kill you and say it was self-defense.
Marlow will testify that you tried to kill me before.
What Marlow's going to do is blow your head off if you don't drop that gun, Seals.
Marlow?
Yeah, Marlow. Who knows he wasn't brought into this thing by coincidence,
but who stuck around to see the fireworks and almost saw them just now.
Bill, what happened?
Barbara, couldn't you hold Marlow on the other island? You shut up, Seals.
Barbara's little mistake was that she should have gotten rid of Harlan's handkerchief
after she took it out of his room so he wouldn't see it.
Barbara, I don't understand. You planned all this with Seals against me?
Well, I did in the beginning, Harlan, but I changed my mind when I fell in love with you.
I let Marlow find the handkerchief in my purse. I wanted him to stop Edward.
Oh, darling, don't you say...
Come on, Miss Bankhead. Cut the dramatics. The show's over. Let's have it straight, huh?
All right. We might as well if we're going to find those bonds before it's too late.
Edward and I did plan it. We even hired the little man who tried to get the maps from you.
And when that didn't work, you planned to get rid of Harlan and split the 300 grand.
So we failed. So what? We're right back where we started.
A hundred thousand apiece. Now let's go find those bonds.
Not so fast, beautiful. What happened to Harlan just now was a little more serious than a hot foot.
It was attempted murder. He can slap you two in the jug this minute if he wants to.
But I'll leave it up to him. Okay, Harlan, what do you say? It's your move.
No. I've got a better idea. Marlow, one third of that map is mine. Give it to me.
Okay. There it is.
Harlan, what are you going to do?
Harlan, no. Don't burn it.
There. Now we all lose. Now none of us will get the bonds.
That's probably how Aunt Bernice wanted it anyway.
It was almost noon. I was standing on the veranda of the lodge and a scrawny old crow was perched up on the roof.
I saw Barbara and Shields quietly pull away in a boat with Jumbo.
I saw Harlan lumbering off to the far end of the island to soak.
And as I watched the three of them, I couldn't help thinking.
A pig in a pinstripe suit, an ape with a red beard, and an alley cat in nylon.
There. Keep laughing, Aunt Bernice. You were right.
Greed, treachery, and rashness don't mix, even for 24 hours.
And the one percent of the bonds I was to get? Well, that's my contribution to charity.
Who knows? Maybe I can take it off my income tax.
The Adventures of Philip Marlowe, created by Raymond Chandler, stars Gerald Moore, and is produced and directed by Norman MacDonald.
Featured in tonight's story were Mary Shipp, Parley Bear, Don Diamond, Ted Von Elst, and Wilms Herbert.
The special music was conceived and conducted by Richard O'Rant.
Be sure to be with us again next week when Philip Marlowe says...
When I got the crisp $50 bill in advance, I figured my client had a heart of gold.
But after I was beat up, double-crossed, and shot at, I realized just how hard a heart of gold could be.
Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammett, John Dixon Carr, three great names in the world of mystery and thrills.
One down, two to go today on CBS.
Now that you've heard Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlowe in action, CBS invites you to hear Dashiell Hammett's Sam Spade in action tonight,
followed by John Dixon Carr's personally written radio series, Cabin B-13.
Chandler, Hammett, Carr, today and every Sunday, over most of these CBS stations. It's a mystery if you miss them.
Roy Rowan speaking for CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.