okay so we just got through with the flame skull right
yes and then we were moving into a different room we were in the me seeks room you wouldn't let us have any me seeks as we left though i never said you couldn't have any well you did they they poofed for some reason yeah you're a flame skull attacked them that's right so all your me seeks died couldn't even keep one that's up to you i mean we
haven't left yet you can um no we did he's i thought you locked it or shut the door oh that's right because i said the door burned up and he said another door and i said what i didn't know there was another door and then you just said magic
that's been a key thing going on this game doors just keep appearing
kind of fine that's exciting
it doesn't happen in the other games no i mean technically in canon there are no doors in star wars
that's not sure at all name one door
uh the door that opens up when they go to eat uh eat dinner with darth vader and besides that one
besides that one the one they were having the negotiations with in the very first scene in the
very first movie and yeah in the yeah then he has to like use the lightsaber to like open it up because
he's like burning it in there yeah every single door in the jedi's face they have to open with their
lightsaber no those are blast shields no they were doors they're blast doors okay fine besides that one
it's like all of them yeah you can't name any of them besides those huh
yeah but what about that piece of cloth that's over the uh tent where where shmi skywalker gets killed
not a door technically he's right that's a flap
he's i'm on your side but you're he's right that's a flap
fair is fair flap is flap flap is flap all right so you're going through that door yeah
the other door in the room can't remember
okay
room 20
okay can you guys see everything
uh yeah oh yeah you screamed so all i see is a bunch of mortys
all right a horde of goblins wearing yellow shirts and blue pants grab this room
there are these little munchkin things i don't know i never gave them a name but they're real
annoying little pieces of shit repeating the same pattern spouting under undermined nonsense while you
try to try to get work done all underpined with teenage self-image fragility and minuscule attention
spans born from what i can only assume is a life completely unexplored while simultaneously devoid of any real
stakes also they say oh geez lot too much the glass case sits on the far side of the room next to another door but there are too many
stupid little goblins in the way for you to see clearly
what do you do
where's the door
across from you
all right oh man it's like in here can they see us
yes
are they coming towards us
they're just kind of oh geezing around it
if i gave one of them a dollar would the rest of them leave me alone
uh you can try it
all right i give one a dollar
the one with a gold piece
where did you get a dollar
a gold piece
wait hold on
how many do you have
i have no idea
did i
i just hope i have money
did i
you have
we split up a bunch of money last time but i don't remember what
there's some
gold piece
there's some gold
i didn't
put it in my inventory
yeah it doesn't even
oh i wrote it i wrote it down
i have 210 gold
um
one electron gold
and
that's it
oh and i'm missing my left butt cheek
oh i have a smell
which i named alisa
and you smell bad
i have a smelly ruby
and a good smelly ruby
yeah i have a good smelly ruby
yeah it smells like
pie
some type of pie
yeah cherry
it's cherry pie yeah
my strawberry
fan myself
all right so you give him a gold piece
yeah
if i remember right
he doesn't have any gold
he only has silver
i gave him a silver piece
i think i took the gold
and i painted yellow
when would you have painted it yellow
and with what
a yellow shirt that i found
in this room
oh
off of a corpse
of a dead goblin
like well
not a corpse
he just didn't see me take it
okay
uh
maybe he was sleeping
you give it to one
and he goes
oh geez
and he throws it in his mouth
and eats it
wow
good use of
that's
that's weird
maybe they're hungry
maybe you should give it
some of your pie
i gave it
already gave it a silver piece
i'm not giving it anymore
i'm really disappointed
in that outcome
minus one silver piece
fuck
this is not a good start
uh
i'm gonna yell out
let us through
and we'll let you live
maybe
but you should
you should
yeah you should
still let us
through
just in case
i'm gonna wave my arm
i'm gonna wave my arms around
like really big
oh geez
should really think this through
yeah
well
you should think it through
let us through
all right
we don't we don't want to fight you
we just want to
go somewhere
forward
okay
then go
okay
all right
i'm gonna
i start making a move
so just
i don't know
just forward
just straight ahead
i'm like dodging
more uh
little goblins
you know
trying not to touch them
because they're
probably all
you know
gross
sticky
one of them just starts
pointing towards the gem
box
what gem box
there's a gem box
the glass case
sits on the far side
of the room
next to another door
but there are too many
stupid little goblins
in the way for you
to see it clearly
but are they
they're making a path
towards it
they're pointing towards it
but they're not saying anything
they're just kind of like
randomly saying
oh geez
yeah
oh
i start going towards that
because
you know
gem boxes
can't be that bad
right
you know
what do you think
what
i'm just watching you
from back here
but then i start
slowly shuffling
behind you
all right
but i'm really
i'm really disgustedly
sheshing through
all the
all the mortys
start moving away from you
because you smell like
sturge's boob
oh that works
as you walk
or not mortys
goblin sorry
and as you walk by them
they all point
and laugh at your
one butt cheek
yeah yeah
i know
i don't want
yeah
i'm very self-conscious
i'm not
really proud of that
but it happened
okay
hey i still got one
one more than you
i thought that sash
that sashaying
looked a little half-assed
oh boy
ha ha ha
yeah
well
you know what
at least
i've got more ass
in this one butt cheek
than any mortys
put together
one of the goblins
runs up
and just smacks
the one butt cheek
and runs away
that is
i
well
perhaps not
blood related
but it's
a little weird
a little risky
it was
considering real life
it was your brother
that just said
he did that
now that is meta
all right
pushing your way
through the crowd
of whiny little
goblins
takes some doing
but once you get
through you see
a glass case
with five gems
in it
blue
green
red
yellow
and purple
next to the case
there are three
conveniently gem
sized sockets
and cut
are cut into
the stone wall
these things
have to be related
right
okay
so gem sockets
and we have
how many gems
three
five
five gems
you have five
but three
sockets
for them to fit in
blue
green
red
yellow
and purple
gems
you're suggesting
perhaps
we should
write this down
that's up to you
it would be
hoover us to
either write it
down or remember
it
yes
blue
red
green
yellow
and purple
purple
all right
and
there's three
sockets
there are three
sockets
all right
uh
let's go with
uh
blue yellow
and green
you put the
blue
yellow
and green
ones in there
wait wait wait
wait
hold on
uh
i wasn't
putting them in
there that was
dialogue
oh okay
in character
yes
all right
i put blue
yellow
and green
in there
just immediately
yeah
in what order
uh
blue yellow
and green
all right
and it
must be
why
the gem
shoot out
hit you in
the forehead
and then
reappear back
in the case
next to the
sockets
that is all
three of them
that's real bogus
man
hmm
well
i thought
the blue
pants
and yellow
shirt
and green
uh
tentacles
on his head
you know
that that
might have
done it
but uh
well
here we are
these these
goblins start
to get real
close to you
and are
are very
annoying with
their blue
shirts and
yellow or
blue pants
and yellow
shirts
these yellow
shirts are
really annoying
all right
uh
i'm gonna
just put
i'm kind
of
snuck up
behind you
as you like
rubbed your
head from
being hit
yeah
but you
were trying
to play it
off cool
i imagine
i'm in the
corner crying
while you're
doing
all right
i'm playing
it off cool
i'm definitely
playing it off
cool like
i'm cool
crying
okay
i'm just
gonna pick
up the blue
and uh
and yellow
one and
i'm gonna
you know
put those
in the
sockets
all right
i'm gonna
write down
cool
crying
cool
crying
and that's
all you do
oh yeah
nothing happens
nothing
happens
cool
so what
about you
cool
crying
what do
you think
i am
assuming we
need to put
another gem
in there
yeah
uh
which ones
have we
tried
we gotta
just keep
putting in
different
combinations
uh
i'm gonna do
well there's a lot
of green
purple yellow
green
wait wait wait
hold on
no the blue
and yellow
one is in
there right
now there's
one one
spot open
purple
okay
did you put
it in there
yeah
and then i
nodded
all the gems
fly out hit
both of you in
the forehead and
reappear in the
case
this thing
is rigged
this is a
rigged game
what do you
think before you
just start jamming
things in
i thought purple
would have been
good
but why
why wouldn't
it why would
why didn't you
think the other
ones would work
i had a reason
at least
what was your
reason
blue pants
yellow shirt
look at them
and purple
insides
they don't
have purple
insides
you're right
green yellow
red or
yellow blue
red
that was my
mistake
you put them
in there
yeah
they all fly
out hit you
in the head
and reappear in
the case
one of the
morty i mean
goblins
uh he's known
by pyromaniac
goblin
that's strange
yellow shirt on
fire
uh oh boy
oh boy
uh and what
he's just burning
alive like a
rage against
machine album
yes actually
pyromaniac
or goblin
goblins
what he self
immolates
yes
what is he just
stands there as
he burns alive
yes his yellow
shirt and his
blue pants
that's terrifying
yeah this game
just got real
quick
it's really how
he wanted to go
and that's how
i i don't
know he's been
squealing
no he hasn't
oh no
that that was a
13 year old's
moan
oh
someone was
moaning while
that person was
no
he pyromaniac
more goblin
was moaning
oh
and a good
moan
while yes
while he lit
his his yellow
shirt and his
blue pants on fire
this is fucked
up
what color
book
uh
hey
um
dad
slash
cure
jerry
yeah maybe i'll
just start calling
you jerry
god damn
mcgarnival
i'm trying
to eat a
sandwich
here
uh
what
your
your gem
your pie gem
yeah
what's it
what is that
uh
what's what
kind of shape
is that
is it
the is
is the pie gem
does it
match the
gem imprint
no
i think you
should try to
stick it in
there anyway
no i like the
smell of it it
makes me smell
very very
fragrant
so one thing
you said no to
you jammed
everything else
in there
not everything
so if i
ask the morties
one of the
goblins
that seemed
awfully
pointed
that uh
whole self
immolation
thing
are they
trying to
tell us
something
oh yeah
oh geez
i think he
really just
doesn't like
the colors
yellow and
blue
oh
i see
then
why
yeah
i mean
he could have
just taken
them off
it's a standard
uniform
oh geez
wow that is
awfully strict
i'm gonna take
the red
green and
purple and
and put
them in
the slots
all right
and what
do you
do with
the other
two
they stay
in there
they don't
pop out
in the head
nice
this yellow
and blue
jet
i take the
blue one
you take
yellow one
uh
yeah
yellow matches
my hair
and blue
is
the color
of your
tears
yeah
cool
crying
cool
crying
yeah
all right
nothing
happens
all right
stay in
the slots
well that's
pretty cool
so now
what
you're stuck
in this
room still
huh
interesting
i'm stupid
i go over
and i punch
a morty in
the head
what
do you know
that they
they outnumber
us
i didn't
yeah there's
like 30
of them
in this
room
that was
an accident
i thought
it was a
rock
why would
you punch
a rock
i was
mad
all right
uh i'm
gonna start
inspecting the
door uh
to the bottom
of the map
it looks pretty
big is that
on purpose
those doors
no
okay
all right
well you really
phoned in these
doors you made
them gigantic
yeah um
so you inspect
the door
yeah
give me
what is it
uh
what is it
perception
yeah
or
yeah
investigation
okay
skills
invest
and
investigation
normal
normally
yeah
hey
that's gotta
be worth
something
wow your
intelligence is
really strong
um you
detect no
way to open
these doors
what do they
look like
they're just
big metal
sliding doors
okay
that are locked
into place
how do we
unlock them
just thought
i'd ask
i'd try
are you asking
me or are you
asking uh
a goblin
how do i
unlock these
doors
oh geez i
don't know
i think it has
something to do
with that puzzle
over there
it's a we
solved that
puzzle
apparently not
dipshit
oh
well you've
really grown
some set of
balls in the
last couple
of minutes
here
i've grown a
set of balls
you still have
one ass
cheek
still more
ass and all
you put
together
and i'm
gonna march
over by that
puzzle and
uh take a
closer look
all right
and another
uh investigation
oh investigation
investigation
station
investigation
oh that's a
good roll
all right you
see some like
soot from
underneath where
the blue and
yellow gems
were
and so in
the in the
case in the
case yeah
can i brush
the soot off
is there something
underneath the
soot there's
nothing underneath
oh i think
maybe we should
put the gems
back
why
um i
i got a
feeling
i i
while investigating
i noticed some
soot here
all right
i put my
yellow one
back
i put my
blue one
back
nothing happens
a goblin
that is
suspiciously
dressed like
rick sanchez
i've never
heard of her
but just
just with a
uh a lab
jacket out
walks up
calls you guys
both fucking
idiots
takes out the
gems and steps
on them
breaks them into
a million pieces
and the doors
open
huh
that's rude
that was very
rude
oh jeez
you're welcome
yeah
i we didn't
ask for your
help
you guys
needed it
that's
presumptuous
we would have
gotten there
oh jeez
i watched you
struggle like for
10 minutes on
this
you weren't
getting it
you were not
gonna get it
this is right
the suit
the soot hint
was was very
obscure
all of your
brains
must be in
your left
ass cheek
yep
and are in
the one missing
left
the one missing
left butt
cheek
it was left
and and its
name was
alissa
i don't care
what its name
i'm getting and
i'm getting it
back
okay fine
then maybe you'll
actually have some
intelligence
yeah
wow that is rude
why don't you get a
girlfriend and i'm
gonna start off and
down the door that
just opened
by the way
you're dressed like
an ugly goblin
and i walk out too
we are ugly
goblins
i'm gonna tell
that to somebody
next in like
real life
sometime like
if they piss
me off like
you know what
man you're
dressed like
an ugly
goblin
all right
can i slam
the door
what door
they both
opened
the door
yeah
uh i
since we're
closest to the
or i'm
closest to the
bottom one i'm
assuming uh
uh jerry's by
me we'll just
walk through the
bottom one
or i'm
walking through
the bottom
yeah
bottom
for a bottom
bottom
here we go
oh my god
oh it's a sauna
i mean bathroom
you are
this looks like a
really nice
bathroom
decorative porcelain
tiles run from
floor to ceiling
the room smells
clean like a
like freshly squeezed
lemons and pine
a feeling of
relaxation settles
over everyone
who enters
you know i
wonder what it's
gonna be like to
shit with half
an ass
i think it's
kind of
probably uh
one-sided i'd
guess
yeah that would
need some work
i didn't wasn't
trying to make a
joke
it's just
gonna be a
reality
yeah
seriously you're
gonna be like
this
i mean it's
not gonna be
fun
does this mean i
can't fart anymore
no
i mean half
farts
you know
it's probably
you're gonna be on
the bone on
i don't even have a
half a fart
i don't think
you're gonna have to
put the head
down
i think it's like a
lasagna if you take
one layer off you
still have a lasagna
no
no i don't think so
if you take if you
have just one
lasagna noodle you
don't have a lasagna
anymore
it's not a fully
baked lasagna
and i it's just not a
fully baked ass
and i'm not gonna have
a fully baked fart
so all right
what's the deal
with this room
you guys are about
two layers short
of a full lasagna
here
yeah
that's
true
okay so we're in
this nice sauna
or
bathroom i'm not
sure
it's a cold
it's a cold sauna
it's a
bathroom
is it a sauna
bathroom
it's a bathroom
does it have
running water
is it clean
go try the
sink
i'm gonna
can i try the
toilet
no you're a woman
yeah you want to go
to the toilet
that's fine
don't do that right
in front of me
you turn around
i can't leave
i oh
you know
absolutely
no i
changed my mind
i i turn
i turn away from the
toilet and push
jerry out of the way
and start washing
off in the in the
sink
well i mean
that that's my
intention i'm gonna
try turning on the
faucet i'm i'm tired
of stinking
all right
well that's just a
shower in here
there's no shower
okay just a sink
and a toilet
and a mirror
all right i'm gonna
take a bubble
shower
all right you
successfully washed
sturgis poop smell
off of you
all right do i
gain points
no can i have a few
points
no you just don't
have a disadvantage
on charm rolls
i think it was
and charisma rolls
is there any
fragrance
not that you try to
use your charm
at all
i'm not gonna charm
my own brother
i didn't
you sicko
i didn't say
for your brother
my brother
my sister's
covering most
here's your sign
all right
uh i don't really
this is very awkward
for me
yeah well i'm the
one who's standing
by his sink looking
in this nice mirror
you know just checking
myself out
do you guys
notice my ears
are pointing in
this one
the mirror cracks
oh great
that about
sums it up
someone say
some
one of the
shards
actually shows a
picture of cure
crying
cool crying
in a corner
corner crying
not quite as
cool
and you guys
look into another
shard and you
can just see
alissa
having a
just a great
time with the
other butts
that were stolen
yeah what
full butts
is she the only
half butt there
no there's a
couple half butts
okay
what are they
they're partying
like what are
they doing
they're playing
uh beer
pond
and they're
doing shots
i did see
out of toilets
shots
like little
toilet shots
yeah
oh boy
uh
i did see a butt
play ping pong
one time
that is
disturbing
um also
out of character
or in character
oh this is
out of character
boo is there
i don't know
he's trying to
play it so
cool
i'm very cool
cool cool like
a cucumber
okay
so i feel like
this mirror is
like foreboding
or some shit
foreboding
that too
yes
um
i look closer
at it
do i see
i guess i saw
what was
bad for me
the mirror
fixes itself
and it's just
a normal mirror
now
do i still
look okay
in it
are you gonna
look in it
again
yeah
it breaks
fuck
again
yes
now what
do you
shard have
now
same things
oh god
cool crying
in the corner
this mirrors
except for
now it's like
a sad
crying that
you you
think is
cool but
it's it's
not
what
it's just
not cool
i don't
follow
this game
got dark
it has
we've gone
some twists
and turns
in this
bathroom
how do i
leave i'm
leaving i'm
getting out
of the
bathroom
this
bathroom
is a
one
there's
two
doors
there's
two
doors
what
what is it
what's in the
other one
fucking towels
you came out
or you came
into it
in this
door
the top
door
and then
there's the
bottom
door
i feel like a
bathroom with
two doors
is asking
for trouble
didn't your
grandpa's
house
have two
doors
and it
was asking
for trouble
you know how
many times we
walked in there
on him peeing
too many
he couldn't
i thought he only
peed in the
crossroads of a
highway
i thought that
was like what
he did
no
like how
he peed
everywhere
because the
world was his
oyster that's
why
yeah
it was
definitely
his toilet
rip
uh
so are you
going
you're going
all the way
through
yeah i'm
leaving i
don't like
this mirror
i don't want
to see you
go to the
bathroom i'm
out of here
all right
um i'll
follow you
you're going
through the
new door
a new
door
the new
door
the nude
door
which one
is the
nude
door
the bottom
one
the bottom
one
all right
oh fancy
library
oh
now
now we're
in nerd
room
now we're
in my
now we're
in my
uh
have we been
here before
no
inside this
room you see
a genius
ever
sure he's a
stinky bug
bear but
he's a
god damn
genius
he has two
pathetic snot
nose goblins
with him
multiple tables
are stacked
with shit
that your
primitive brains
couldn't dream
of comprehended
we're talking
piles of notes
with magic
symbols the
beautiful mind
you're seeing
here also the
bug bears got
two two
butts
yeah we get
it i'm
missing a
butt cheek
i don't know
why yeah
it's weird
just don't
stare at it
he's kind
of sensitive
oh you
mean two
butts
he has two
butts
so not two
butt cheeks
he's got four
butt cheeks
he's got four
butt cheeks
yes
how many
buttholes
two
oh
the bugbear
the bugbear is the
genius
yes
and then the
other two are
goblins
yeah
okay
hello
mr
bear
i am
a wizard
and this is my
friend summer
okay
don't tell him
my name
i don't want
anyone to know
my name
i did not ask
your name
i don't want you
to know my name
well i'm
tommy two
butts
hello tommy two
butts
i enjoy that
name
i thought
you were
self
well i thought
you were
self-conscious
about that
no
you know
i'm just
it's just
my name
i'm summer
half butt
i see
together we
would still
have too
many butt
cheeks
you're right
can i have
a little bit
never mind
does not
work that
way
i just
want mine
back
now i am
busy if you
can tell me
what you
want
uh
to be
honest we're
just looking
for some
booty
figuratively
and literally
um
yeah my
friend here
is missing
half a butt
would you
have one
to spare
wait
did you
lose it
in the
butt
trap
uh
is that
what that
was
i thought
they were
tits
no
they were
that was
butts
that was
a giant
stone
butt
that
apparently
stole your
butt
half of
your
half of
it
i still
got
a bit
i've got
you
more
one
really
sad
looking
cheek
figuratively
but it
looks
great
quite
literally
it's
sad
looking
i've
got more
and a half
it's
depressed
my young
apprentice
over here
and it
points to
one of
the
goblins
and he's
he's
cool
he's
cool
crying
you
know
i
have
been
being
so
polite
not
pointing
out
your
two
butts
and
you've
done
nothing
but point
out
my
deformities
i find it
quite rude
it's a little
rude
it's a little
anti-ableist
yeah
or is it
ableist
i don't
remember
what
is it
anti-ableist
i mean if
you want to
be able
or is it
you're
unable
what
i'm
honestly
dad
i just
look
i'm just
so embarrassed
dad
just
honey
we have
to be
concerned
about
people's
feelings
on this
we live
in a
very
modern
world
and i
refuse
to be
known
as
politically
incorrect
oh
i am
working on
something
very
important
to get
butts
back
now
mr
two
butts
what are
your
preferred
pronouns
oh
you can
call me
mr
two
but
don't
respond
to him
just
ignore
him
i am
tell me
two
butts
and you
just
ignore
him
oh
now if
you please
leave
i am
trying to
find a
way
to get
other
people
their
butts
back
uh
how about
me
i just
cannot
figure
it
out
can
i
help
do
you
need
a
human
sacrifice
if
you
want
to
help
then
you
can
take
a
look
at
my
notes
and he
points
randomly
at
one
of
the
tables
uh
okay
and
i look
at the
table
uh
it's
just
i'm
assuming
he's
kind
of
like
a
mad
scientist
so
he's
got
like
a
bunch
of
unordered
papers
on
his
desk
yes
and i
start
shuffling
through
um
trying to
make heads
or tails
of any
of the
notes
yeah
is it
how is it
going
um
so
on the
table
sit a
bunch of
incomprehensible
named
parts
and a
long metal
tube
etched
with magic
symbols
ah
symbol
tube
i remember
these
from
my
college
days
what's
it say
roll a
history
check
uh
history
oh i
have good
history i
think
yeah buddy
16
you do
in fact
remember
seeing one
of these
tubes
in your
college
visit
days
right
yep
when i
was kissing
ladies
and you
remember
what
some kind
of
don't listen
dad
kind of
foul liquid
being poured
down it
into your
throat
oh it's
one of
these
it's
yes
i think
you used
it as
a beer
bond
oh
yep
i remember
this
uh
yeah
it was
for
drinking
water
right
that
fast
i know
what a
beer
bong
i'm not
completely
stupid
well
now you
tell me
who got
you that
alcohol
no maybe
you did
back in
your day
but in
my day
kids just
vaped and
drank water
well
kids these
days
they don't
know how to
have a good
time
i'll have
to show you
how to
use this
honey
it's
called
a
beer
bong
that
is
the
last
thing
i want
dad
tell me
two
but
says
that
is
not
a
beer
bond
and
anyone
who
has
used
it
as
such
is
an
idiot
all right
well
he doesn't
know
he's
awfully
judgy
for a
man
with
two
butts
he
doesn't
know
what
he
has
he
thinks
it's
what
it
is
but
says
a
child
with
one
half
a
butt
i
didn't
say
that
all
right
so
uh
this
is
definitely
a
beer
bong
and
what
do
what
do
we
do
now
uh
when
you
take
all
the
other
notes
and
look
at
them
will
both
of
you
do
an
intelligence
check
um
so
under
checks
yeah
all right
oh
yeah
bitchin
so
stupid
um
so
read
this
uh
jerry
is the
one that
can
actually
figure
this
out
it's
yeah
the
first
one is
called
the
flabulator
one of
those
incomprehensibly
named
parts
must be
connected
to the
chrono
mitten
this requires
the flabulator
to be the
target of a
spell that
causes the
creature to
regain
hit points
what
ah
this is a
the flabulator
it's
something to do
with hit
points
it's not a
deflabulator
it's a
flabulator
it's a
flabulator
it's a
reflabulator
a flubulator
it's just a
flabulator
it's a
flubber
okay
um
who's
so
jerry do you
have it
are you
keeping it
yeah i'm
keeping this
all right
i slowly
pocket it
i'm just
kidding
i'm just
kidding
i'm just
kidding
calm down
i just
wanted to
take up a
closer look
at it
yes
it's a
deflabulator
do you need
me to read
that again
yes
the flabulator
one of those
incomprehensibly
named parts
must be
connected to
the chronometer
this requires
the flabulator
to be the
target of a
spell that
causes a
creature to
regain hit
points
i think
what and
who is saying
this
dead is what
jerry read in
the notes
okay
i don't have
that kind of
hit points
though
you don't have
anything that
gains hit
points
you don't have
like a healing
thing
you don't
have a cure
wounds
no
i don't think
so
i have
in my spell
book i have
burning hands
detect magic
mage armor
magic missile
and sleep
sleep does that
gain
it does not
as far as
that uh
all i do
is i can
regain magical
energy by
studying my
spell book
but that's
all right
it just has
to regain
hit points
in some
way
doesn't have
to be targeted
by a spell
oh so i
did you change
what what it
was
me
yeah
no
oh
then we
you have
some kind
of
oh no
did we use
it all
the serum
for gaining
health
oh i got
plus healing
potion
yeah
something
you
you caught
one out of
the out of
the flame
skulls
dead buddy
andy
wow
all right
and then we
need the
continuator
here you
go
good job
is what
there is a
continuator on
the on the
desk
no
no it
has to be
connected to
the chronomiton
yeah that's
what i said
okay
so
he handed
it to
me
okay
i connect
it
sure
all right
and then i'm
just gonna
dump some
healing potion
on it
okay that
joins the
two together
nice
all right
the gleep
freebie
mechanism
must be
calibrated
by targeting
it with a
fire based
spell
uh-oh
who around
here has a
fire based
spell
i don't think
i do in
this one
oh you
don't
i thought you
said you
had fireball
it's a
cantrip
i think i
have frost
i think
yeah he has
ray of
frost
oh
oh burning
hands
burning hands
is i thought
that was
that i
thought that
i thought
that was
just something
else i
thought we
decided that
i thought
that was a
sex move
burning hands
was burning
hands again i
thought i don't
think that was
fireball
it's not that
player ball but
does it say
here what
spells
a thin sheet
of flames
maybe it is a
fireball
okay i guess it's a
thin sheet of flames
that shoots from my
outstretched fingertips
that's kind of a
fireball
that's a fireball
well i mean it's
not a fireball
fireball is a
fireball it just
has to be touched
by fire
all right i
touch it with my
pain to be
calibrated by
targeting it with
a fire based
spell such as
the firebolt
i don't have a
firebolt i have
fire hands such
as firebolt it
just has to be
targeted by a
fire based spell
does fire hands
work yes
burning hands
works
yeah burning
man
all right
bye i
lose a spell
slot for that
for what okay
because it wasn't
a cantrip
oh he's right
you know
he's right
oh he's right
the jock
dracal spring
tube needs to be
carefully primed
by being targeted
by any range
spell attack
or the magic
missile spell
so jerry is
saying all this
he's reading it
off of the notes
okay
did i have to do
my magic missile
yes
fuck all right
magic
or spell attack
or so i can just
do ray of magic
or does it
you can do ray of
frost yes
all right i'll do
ray of frost my
cantrip
okay that i will
accept that
or what about
mage hand
that is not a
spell attack
could be
got you there
it's not
maybe i don't
remember what
that is
okay so once
once you do
all of those
excruciatingly
long longer than
i thought
would take
tasks
this weapon
forms together
just magically
comes together
and tommy two
butts comes
running over
and goes oh
my god you
did it
you actually
were able
to assemble
the churd
cannon
oh
i thought it
was gonna be
the butt
you later
or something
no it's the
churd cannon
great
churd it
good job
that's exactly
what we need
is more
churds
poodles of
churds
all right
and he gets
so excited
that he offers
to come
with you
to
destroy the
the butt
trap
from the
former room
is my butt
like within
the butt
trap now
yes
oh okay
your butt
was taken
by the butt
trap
yeah but
my butt
is at some
kind of butt
party
not the fun
kind
i bet you
that that
but your
butt's not
having a good
time at that
party i mean
she it's only
half a butt
and is the
butt party
in the
stone
butt
i bet you
the butt
party is
like a
hell hole
is that a
pun i can't
tell anymore
it's not
but i bet you
the butt
party stinks
that's i'm
i'm gonna go
make another
drink
what is it
break time
already
is it
is this a
character
or is this
a
no this is
this is
andrew
korea
you're
really
yes
i thought it
was short
for andiford
i've been
calling him
crandle
crap apple
so should i
make a drink
or wait until
annie comes
back and
then say
i'm gonna go
make a drink
go make a
drink i'm
gonna make
one right
here
zachariah
harris
yeah
the hell is
that
i found it
at a
garage sale
yeah
at a
garage sale
at a
liquor store
in
lamont
oh god
bless you
yeah
in a little
bit
a little bit
are you gonna
go get a
drink or
what
i guess
if i have
to
i'm
peer
pressure
you
Thank you.
I'm trying to buy the house.
Your house?
Yeah.
How's that going?
I just started yesterday, but I think it's going pretty good.
What do you got to do?
Got to talk to the loan manager who will give me the loan.
And since it's my grandma's house, it's a lot easier.
We don't need two realtors involved.
We don't need two lawyers.
So it's relatively easy.
That's good.
But it's still kind of confusing.
Oh, yeah.
But I mean, I wouldn't know how to.
I bought this place without Bridget helping me out.
Shit with escrow and all that crap.
Yeah.
I don't even know what those words mean.
And basically, from my understanding, is that you make payments into this thing called an escrow account.
And then, you know, twice a year, then that's what they take the money out to pay for their stuff.
They will put more money in depending on, like, their averages.
So, like, sometimes I'll get a check in the mail, like, saying that.
It hasn't happened yet, but sometimes you'll get a check saying you overpaid because they overestimated for the taxes and everything in the year.
Oh, okay.
Most of the time, it just ends up going up because, you know, taxes.
Yeah.
I mean, why not?
Yeah.
But basically, that's how my understanding is, is that all your money that you make payments go to in that account.
And then the bank uses that account to pay your mortgage.
Oh, okay.
You know, so, but, yeah, that's the long and skinny of it.
Yeah, that's something I kind of talked to them about.
Yeah, it's not too bad.
It's just, you know.
Since it's going from, you know, like, grandma to me, they have something called a gift of equity.
Yeah.
So, if the house appraises at, let's say, $110, but I'm buying it for $90, the bank will give me a loan for $110,000.
I have $20,000 in equity.
But I can use that equity to put towards a down payment.
So, I don't have to do the PIM or the MIP or the PMI.
Is that how much you think you're going to have to pay for it?
Yeah.
I don't think Dad's going to charge me over and not be for it.
That's not a bad price.
I paid $175,000 for this place, so.
Yeah, but you have two bedrooms.
Right.
I don't, I just, no, I'm just saying that's not a bad price compared to me.
I don't know what your house looks like at all.
It's 640 square feet.
It's a very small place.
Yeah, is it?
How many bedrooms?
One.
One?
Yeah.
Still good enough for you, right?
Yeah, it's fine for me, yeah.
And then when I meet somebody and they, you know, eventually want to move in together, they can either come here or we can buy a house and rent this place out.
That'd be nice.
To find someone?
Yeah, it would.
No, to have a rent.
Oh, yeah, that too, I guess.
Oh, good, he didn't hear us.
Oh, I don't think he could.
Oh, no, he's going to listen to the podcast.
He's going to know.
I edit the podcast.
Tiger doesn't listen to podcasts.
He doesn't believe in them.
He's too hoity-toity for podcasts.
Yeah, he says they're too long.
Too long and boring.
That's why he listens to them at four times speed.
Do you?
I've gotten some of my shit up to two times speed, but that's as fast as I can go.
I don't know if he actually does.
He does for the podcast, and it does make sense because podcasts have a lot more breaks than me.
Yeah, but I don't think he does it four times.
I don't think he can.
That's like...
You can't follow him.
What?
All right, so...
Tommy Two Butts here has offered to help you destroy the butt trap.
And I've been guaranteed my butt is inside that butt.
Yes.
What is the reattachment procedure like?
I'm asking Tommy Two Butts.
It just happens.
It's not painful?
It's just...
Yeah.
Just like how it was taken is just how it would be put back on.
This isn't some kind of monkey's paw thing where they're going to put my butt on backwards or something.
I'm going to have to shit off the side of my ass.
You don't make a wish when you destroy a trap.
Okay.
Well, my wish is to have my butt back.
Well, I don't have a monkey's paw.
All right, then.
So what do you guys do?
Well, let's go.
I'm wrong.
Which way are you going?
Going back to the butt.
Okay.
How are you getting there?
Oh, you're going to make us walk all the way back?
There's three doors in here.
You can walk all the way back if you want to.
Yeah, we're going to walk all the way back.
You're going to walk back the way you came.
I'm trying to think.
What's going to bite us in the butt if we go back the same way?
Do we run away from anything?
We don't have one of these random doors.
No.
We don't have any time to fool around.
I got to get my butt back.
All my strength and confidence is in my butt.
Is it, though?
Honey, you're beautiful on the inside.
That doesn't count for anything.
You know what's beautiful on the outside?
Mother Teresa, and she died an old hag.
I don't know.
There's been a lot of things that have come to light recently,
if you believe in that kind of thing.
So she wasn't even beautiful on the inside.
My God.
No, she was actually a very bad person.
Really?
Yes.
What did she do again?
There's a bunch of stuff.
Let's not get into it now.
I only have 30 minutes.
Is it rape?
Don't think it's rape.
All right.
This game got dark.
All right.
I go out one of these random doors.
Which one?
I don't even know where I'm at.
I go out this one.
All right.
Go out the left door.
Yeah, the left door.
Which one I come in from?
I am not following.
Can I watch him go through the door?
Yeah.
You watch, honey, as I go through this door and save the day.
I'm going to get you your butt.
That is the Max Skyblade promise.
You all have to go through it.
Don't tell me what to do.
What?
I have to follow him?
Yes.
All right.
But I'm not happy about it.
Me neither.
But I'm going.
All right.
So can we go through this door?
Yes.
Hold on.
All right.
I just want to make sure it wasn't locked like last time.
We had to hit it with gemstones again.
Oh, you got to turn off vision.
Oh, it's the one I didn't.
Oh, no.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
This is a fucking horror movie.
We're in the, we're in like the, the basement at the Blair Witch Project.
Small, well-lit chamber opens up before you.
In the middle of the floor are two five foot square stone tiles that look like the doors of a pit.
Once you're all in there, the door slams shut.
The two tiles in the middle of the floor fall away and an ominous digital countdown timer rises from the floor.
Oh, great.
Now, honey, let's just wait.
This could be good.
What, do you think it's counting down to like when a bunch of balloons are going to fall from the ceiling?
Yeah, you know, it could, it could be our lucky day.
We could be the 1000th person to walk in here.
You know, like, why is it counting time?
It's not, it's not.
It just rose up.
And the timer is just sitting there.
But both of the doors are closed, though.
Oh, boy.
All right.
So it's not counting down.
It's not counting down.
Does it does it look like we could like start the timer if we wanted to?
Yeah.
Can I pick up the timer and just pocket it and walk out?
You cannot walk out.
The doors are locked.
Oh, good.
This fucking game.
Those.
So there's you said there's two tiles.
They look like trap doors, basically.
Yeah, they fell open.
And they are indeed trap doors to an abyss.
And you don't know.
But.
So it looks so from where we're standing, it just looks like they go down.
We can't tell yet.
You can't tell.
No.
OK, no.
It just looks like they're a bottom bottomless bit.
All right.
Can I look in one?
I want to step up closer to it and look at it.
OK.
And I look down.
I just see darkness.
Yeah, that's all you see.
I would.
I would like to throw a flare down there.
Do you have those?
I have a torch.
How many?
Ten.
Oh, OK.
So you light it and throw it down there?
Yeah, I don't think I used any of the torches.
I don't think so.
You just see it fall and fall and fall.
Does it ever?
Fall and fall.
And then it just disappears.
It's fallen so far that you.
You can't see the light anymore.
I jump in.
No, I was just.
I was just doing my.
No, I'm not jumping in.
I was making.
I was making a joke.
I was making a joke about you.
You always jump in a trash garbage.
No, I'm not jumping in the bottomless pit.
Please don't make me dead.
Please.
All right.
I die for it.
I grab you by your leg.
Oh, boom.
Boo.
Athletics check.
But I did not jump in.
You said it.
I did not.
I didn't.
I didn't really say it, though.
You did say it, though.
Yeah, I was not in character.
Give me an athletics check.
I was out of character.
That's pretty good.
12.
All right.
So.
So Jerry runs up and is able to grab your ankle as you're jumping into this pit.
What are you doing?
This is the stupidest thing you've ever done.
I.
Did you really want that torch?
Some.
Give me an acrobatics check.
Oh, boy.
All right.
You start.
You turn around.
You grab Jerry's arm.
You start climbing back up.
Easy.
Don't knock me over.
So.
Have.
Have you ever done that thing where you, like, walk up to a ledge at, like, the mall
and you, like, look over and you feel panicked about, you know, jumping?
I.
Did you ever have that thought when you're doing that, that you should just jump?
Yeah.
I.
Did it.
Have you done it?
You dove.
You ran and jumped in.
There was no thinking about it.
You saw the torch go down and you jumped after it.
Yeah.
That happened.
But.
So, yeah, I've done it once.
Are you.
Do you think you're invincible?
I don't.
I hear.
I don't know what came over me.
You could die.
I thought I was joking, but it happened.
There are no.
There's no.
There's no make believe in this.
In this game.
All right.
It's very unforgiving.
out of character.
Oh, my God.
When I jumped into the garbage pit, I had to deal with the consequences, too.
Yeah.
But.
Yeah.
But you weren't joking.
You seriously jumped into it.
You weren't joking either.
No, I was joking.
Did not sound like it.
That's.
Oh, you're going to see this card a lot more often now just because of that.
And I hope you get annoyed.
Okay.
What do you guys do then?
Both of the doors are still locked and there's still two bottomless pits.
All right.
So.
I'm going to take that as a hint that I shouldn't throw a flare and or jump into the other one.
I mean, they're bottomless, so I don't think we're going to have much luck in there.
We don't know that, though.
I mean, don't we?
Don't we?
I mean, I didn't actually jump into the one you say.
Don't we?
I would know if you didn't save my life.
Well, I'm sorry for doing that.
Is that a punk?
No.
I'm very upset with you right now.
Yeah.
Well, so you, genius boy.
What the hell is this egg timer?
I don't know.
I've never been in this room.
But this doesn't look familiar to you from your life of science?
No, I was always told to stay out of this room.
Why did you let us go in it then?
He just ran in.
There was no stopping him.
We had to run after him.
No, I disagree.
However, we did.
So, okay.
Is there any other?
The egg timer's still here?
It's just the egg timer.
Can I start it?
You walk over?
Yeah.
And then give me an investigation check.
Investigation.
What about Arcana?
Why would it be Arcana?
I assume it's magical.
I'm going to intimidate this thing.
Well, that's what you have to investigate.
Deception.
Oh, boy.
That is a critical failure.
I didn't actually turn it.
I wanted to know if I could turn it.
You walked up to it.
Investigation.
In terrible or typical Jerry fashion.
You tripped and face planted right in front of it.
Yes.
But never touched it.
Oh, okay.
That could have been worse.
Is he crying?
Butt.
Don't use that word.
Half butt.
Don't use that word in front of me.
When Jerry falls to the ground.
Buttly disabled is what I prefer to be called.
When Jerry falls to the ground, it makes a loud thump.
And the egg jumps up a little bit.
Oh, boy.
And falls down and starts ticking.
Oh, great.
What is it set to, Jerry?
60 seconds.
Jerry.
What is it set to?
60 seconds.
Just enough to boil an egg.
Coincidence?
Should we throw it down the bottomless pit?
I'm going to throw it down the bottomless pit.
It hovers there.
Fuck.
Which one?
Can I do it in the other one?
It hovers there.
Oh, my God.
Don't you notice right before you were about to throw it in on the top of it?
It says rapture.
Oh, that's not good.
So do we have to start praying?
No.
I don't know.
I don't.
Is it ticking?
I don't hear nothing.
I don't think it's.
Oh, I'm doing ticking.
Oh, yeah.
It's being it's being muted.
Oh, yeah.
I was ticking.
Oh, boy.
Is that a fire?
Is that a fireplace?
No.
All right.
I grab it.
And.
Nerd boy.
What do we do with this?
It's down to 40 seconds.
All right.
So are there.
This picture shows doors.
There's no doors.
There are two doors that are both locked.
They're both locked.
But not the ones.
The one in the picture should be closed.
OK.
And we have two holes and just hovers.
Just hovers over the holes.
If I throw it forcefully into the hole, it still hovers.
Yeah.
It actually goes down a little bit, comes back and hits you in the head.
Ah.
Loses.
Lose a hit point.
It never.
It never ends.
All right.
Oh.
Well, let's see.
Is there any objects I can hide it under?
No.
It's still going to be ticking.
Yeah.
That's fine.
But I just want it hidden under.
I start trying out all the doors.
And try to do secret.
So.
So panic has set in.
Yes.
30 seconds.
All right.
I throw it up.
It falls back down.
OK.
I grab it and throw it back at you, Summer.
All right.
And then.
And then I.
I grab it and I start playing hot potato.
And I toss it back.
I kick it back.
No.
I don't want it.
20 seconds.
All right.
I throw it into a corner of the room.
It just stays there.
Counting down.
OK.
But is it hovering?
I hit it with a ray of frost.
No.
It's on the ground.
I freeze it.
You've.
It does.
Does nothing to the egg timer.
Oh, my God.
Can he.
Can he roll for it?
No.
10 seconds.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to run into the opposite corner of the room.
I'm going to run into the other opposite corner of the room.
You're not going to do anything about this?
Are we in the same corner?
Nope.
I'm done.
I'm tapped out.
Are we in the same corner, though?
Yes.
All right.
I'm hugging Jerry.
All right.
Two butts.
Runs up.
Grabs it.
And resets it.
Huh.
Well.
It only goes to 50 seconds.
Hi.
Well, OK.
I see a pattern here.
I just look at Jerry and I like like kind of like brush off of him.
That was.
Yeah.
It's been a while since we've done that.
Yeah.
What do we do now?
We have 40 seconds.
All right.
I don't really.
So there's nothing else in this room.
No.
Huh.
30 seconds.
Can I.
Can we investigate the room?
There's nothing in there.
Just see.
Can I.
Can I roll for it?
All right.
Give me an investigation roll.
You know what?
Give me a perception check.
Actually.
All right.
Oh, we don't have that.
There's no.
No.
It is.
You can do.
That egg is going to count down.
Oh, he's going to.
He's going to really jazz me.
21.
You investigate nothing.
I.
Oh, you perceive.
You perceive nothing.
All right.
Great.
Even though I've rolled a 19.
20 seconds.
OK.
Uh.
I grab the egg and I reset it again.
All right.
This time it only goes to 40 seconds.
OK.
All right.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Uh.
I.
Uh.
Well.
Hey.
I throw the egg to Jerry and I say, quick, throw it at me.
I throw it.
All right.
And then I'm going to take my longbow and do like a baseball swing at it.
You hit it right back into Jerry's hands.
Oh, my God.
20 seconds.
I'm a.
You know.
Nice catch, though.
I throw it.
I hit it again.
10 seconds.
No, I don't want it.
I run behind you.
I'm not going.
I don't want anything to do with that thing.
Five seconds.
All right.
I throw it in the corner.
I run back into the corner and I hug onto Jerry for dear life.
I make you my human shield.
All right.
When the clock reaches zero, all the doors in the room open and the characters are free to leave.
Huh.
Well, I look.
I look at all of you.
Stop being cheap to your pathetic instincts and think critically for once.
Think about it.
I'm not going to kill everyone.
I can't do that.
It would introduce a host of liabilities for me.
Since if you die in this dungeon, you die in real life.
That's not comforting.
Nor helpful.
I did critically think.
There was nothing we could have done with this egg.
We did a lot of thinking.
Way more thinking than we should have.
I tried jumping in the hole.
Critical thinking.
He's not going to.
I'm not going to kill you off.
There's no point to that.
All right.
So the doors open.
The trap doors start to shut.
But right before they do, a torch pops out of one and lands on the ground.
That could have been me.
What'd you save me for?
I don't know.
I didn't want you to die.
That's the nicest thing you said to me all day.
And on the torch handle, it says some sums torch.
Oh, so it is my torch.
All right.
So plus one.
I mean, let's just be honest here.
That's like the one bottomless pit that that was going to happen to.
Every other one on the face of the earth, you're just going to fall and die.
That's fatalistic.
Does my butt pop out?
Can I look in the...
No, your butt does not pop out.
The doors are closed now.
The trap doors are closed now.
The butt is gone.
Forever.
I'm really starting to get fed up with this place.
I kicked the wall.
Me too.
I'm going to walk through.
I think you said there's two doors, right?
Yeah.
You came in the one on the right.
Oh.
So there's...
There's two doors.
There's two total.
Yes.
Really?
Okay.
See ya.
Wait, no.
I'm going first this time.
You went first last time.
Yeah, I don't always go first.
That's out of character.
And Tommy Two Butts, get your ass over here.
Your ass is...
Tommy Two Butts is coming.
He's gone?
He's coming.
Oh.
He's a-coming.
Oh!
Fake doors!
Oh, I forgot to put...
Oh, no.
I didn't.
Treasure?
No.
Oh.
He forgot to put actual doors on this place.
And a room of doors.
Get your fake doors!
All right.
At the center of this room floats a tiny orb of energy that lights up.
And the room has two other doors.
When the last of you enters the room, the door you all came through suddenly slams shut.
I have a feeling that those two doors are fake.
So there's actually three doors.
The one you came in and two other doors.
I have a feeling they're fake.
They're fake doors.
The door you came through and all the other doors are no longer alone.
All the walls are suddenly covered with identical doors.
Twelve in all.
Weirdly, you're no longer sure which door you came through to get in here.
I think it was this one right behind me.
No.
You don't know.
You can't tell.
That's odd.
I'm very confident, though.
It says getting out of this room isn't as easy as just going back to the way the characters came.
Hmm.
All right.
I pick the first door I see and open it.
You open it, and another door pops open, and you just see into the same room that you're in.
But from that other door's point of view.
Creepy.
I wave at you.
Bye.
Great going, Dad.
Bye.
Now touch the orb.
All right.
I go up, and I touch the orb.
What?
I just was expecting more of a fight.
But you really are a cuckold.
Call me that.
All right.
We're not supposed to say that anymore.
All right.
Once you touch the orb, all the doors suddenly fly open.
But where you saw into the same room before, all you see now is darkness.
Um.
Wait.
Don't let go of the orb.
Uh.
Then I light a flare, and I throw it into one of the doors of darkness.
It just pops out another one of the doors.
Like a Scooby-Doo thing?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Ew.
Well.
That's strange.
All right.
I'm going to open every second door.
But they're all.
They're all.
They're all open.
Oh, God.
But they're filled with darkness.
Yeah.
Should we go in one?
Maybe we should set the timer.
You couldn't take the timer.
What?
Is it some kind of magical timer?
Yes.
It floated above a bottomless pit.
He is right.
Got you there.
Well, he's right.
Let's try.
Let's try the baseball thing again.
Except this time with the orb.
Smack it.
Yeah.
I'll take another crack at it.
Yeah.
All right.
I throw the orb at you.
I swing for the fences.
Connecting with the orb.
Athletic stretch.
I feel like this is going to.
Oh, no.
He's going to take my hit points down.
Why?
No.
Give me an athletics check.
Eleven.
That's pretty good, right?
Eleven?
No.
So you hit the orb.
Oh, no.
And your bow cracks in half.
Broken.
Not my bow.
Your bow is useless.
Did I say bow?
I meant sword.
You can try again with your sword.
No.
That sucks.
You're the one I want to play baseball.
Let me cross off the lawn bow here.
I thought.
No.
Not cross it off.
It's just broken.
It can be fixed.
Probably.
No.
It cannot be fixed.
It is shattered.
Don't say never.
It is shattered.
Never say never.
You cannot fix that lawn bow.
You said the same thing about my button.
We're about to get that back, too.
I don't think I did.
You.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Anyway, what do you do?
Well, I thought we had to destroy it.
Why not have a little fun with it?
That's what I thought.
Well, I say we take it into one of these doors.
All right.
I pick up the orb and I walk into one of the one of the rooms of darkness.
OK, roll the D12.
How do I do that again?
Tiger, what's the command?
I think it's.
What was it?
Slash R and then D10.
Slash.
R space.
Yeah.
Well, I wanted to.
Yeah, it's a D12, though.
Oh, D12.
Yeah.
So slash R space.
One D12.
I think.
Yeah.
All right.
You got an eight.
That's not good.
All the fire in the room is pixelated.
Cute.
There was fire in the room?
Yes.
Is it full of fire?
No.
It's just like a parallel dimension where.
Where all the fire.
That orb you're holding.
Like.
Lights up and it shows.
The world on the outside.
Yeah.
And all the fire that you see is just.
The fire itself is pixelated.
But nothing else is.
If you go in another door.
Will it do something different?
I turn around.
Go through another door.
Yeah.
Roll a D12.
All right.
Is it slash R or slash?
I care.
Slash R.
A nine.
That's pretty good.
You walk through it.
And every surface is slightly bouncy.
Hey.
This one's kind of fun.
Slightly bouncy.
Not very bouncy.
Ah.
Do you know.
Okay.
At the school.
We had to put down floor.
Like.
Wait.
Is this in character?
This is not in character.
Okay.
At the school.
There's a.
What's it called?
We had to put down.
On the.
On the playground.
They replaced the mulch.
With this like.
Foam floor.
There's actually something called.
A spring ratio.
Based on how spring.
The floor is.
I thought that was kind of interesting.
Is that floor made out of like.
Old tires?
Uh.
No.
It's just like.
Like rubber.
I know what you're talking about.
I've seen those before.
Yeah.
Kind of old.
You know how they replace.
Some of the wood chips.
With like.
Those old pieces of tire.
Yeah.
It's giving everyone cancer now.
Yeah.
It's.
It's carcinogenic.
It's pretty cool.
I don't think that's this though.
I think this is like.
Because this is not black.
Or anything like that.
It's not.
It's like.
It's all solid.
It's all one giant.
Yeah.
No.
I know what you're.
You're talking about.
And I don't know if that.
Gives cancer or not.
It could.
Everything gives you cancer.
Not this.
Except for.
Except for the cancer.
Especially that.
Constellation.
That's a radium glass.
Hmm.
Is that in character?
Yes.
All right.
So.
Oh.
It's slightly bouncy.
Yeah.
Everything is slightly bouncy.
All right.
So.
Are.
I.
Are we following him through the door?
Yes.
Okay.
So now we're.
We're like in.
Some sort of alternate.
You're in a parallel dimension.
Okay.
All right.
And if we go back through the door.
We're back in our dimension.
No.
Then you have to roll another dice.
Another D12.
Oh.
So we can never go back to.
Our original dimension.
Hmm.
Okay.
Um.
Interesting.
I mean.
We could just keep doing this all day.
Until we roll the right.
Roll a sufficient number.
It's going to take forever.
Or.
You have a one in 12 shot.
Yeah.
That's like.
Five percent.
It's more than five percent.
Eight percent.
It's more.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can see.
Well,
that's not eight percent.
It's one eighth.
Twelve and a half percent.
Okay.
None of us are good with math here.
So.
Yeah.
It's not like we're engineers or anything.
It's just going to remain a mystery.
Dealers.
It's just one of life's many mysteries.
All right.
Then I guess.
Do it again.
All right.
I do it again.
D12.
Yeah, buddy.
So you walk through this door.
And you're overwhelmed by the certainty that squirrels don't control this dimension.
Oh, I see.
Wow, that's nuts.
Go through a different door.
All right.
It makes you a little uneasy, right?
Yeah.
No.
What?
Oh, because you put our slash.
Damn it.
So I made you just say it.
What does that do?
Wait, why did it come from?
Why did it come from?
Oh, oh, okay.
I see what happened.
Nine.
You walk back into the slightly bouncy universe.
Damn it.
I want.
So there's two doors that lead to the bouncy universe.
You don't know.
No.
Nine.
Nine goes.
When you roll nine, we go to the bouncy universe.
Give me that orb.
Orb.
All right.
It's orbit time.
All right.
You walk through the door and every single time you guys move, you have to, you're dancing.
Oh, I kind of like this universe.
Can we stay in this one?
No, I don't dance.
I mean, you're just.
Yeah.
Well, you are now.
Not well.
All right.
Fine.
This is my nightmare.
Six.
You walk through the door and all the light that's around you is like, it's just fluorescent
and it's very irritating to your eyes.
This irritates my eyes.
And your butt cheek.
There has got to be a better way.
No, this is the easiest.
All right.
You walk through the door and you just hear this constant.
All right.
Not like you.
Everyone has tinnitus.
You walk through the store and whenever you laugh, it's backwards like Jimmy Carr.
Oh, this is making me disturbed.
Eleven is the squirrel dimension again.
You know what?
This one's not so bad.
Yeah, but no, it makes you uneasy.
This makes me uneasy.
Because you know it's not squirrels, but you don't know what it is.
Oh, no.
Six is the fluorescent.
Oh.
Oh, no.
This is the fire.
The pixelated fire one.
All right.
This one's not so bad.
But wait a second.
What are we doing?
We're just trying to find the door out of here or the door back to where we can.
Yeah, you keep rolling the same numbers.
Right.
Interesting.
Roll it again, Sam.
Some.
God damn this.
Slightly bouncy world.
This dice sucks.
Oh.
Tree.
The air in this dimension.
Please.
Tastes like.
Tastes like lemon, but it smells like lime.
You walk here and people's hair grows at an accelerated rate.
Ah.
You can watch it happen.
Some, some bush just keeps, like the mound keeps getting bigger and bigger.
You know I'm like 16.
That's old enough to have hair in your pubes.
Wow.
You said you were in college before.
I was trying to sound cool.
She told me she was in college.
She goes to a different school.
At this point, we're just running from door to door.
Just trying to get anywhere.
Yeah.
Nine is the bouncy.
Two.
Coins are sentient here.
And they are aware that they are being traded and hoarded as property.
Do I have any coins?
You got a bunch of silver and gold.
All right.
I take out one of the coins.
How do I get out of here?
You just have to pick the right door.
Thanks for nothing.
I'm going to trade you.
You walk back in and there's your one coin sitting on the ground going, oh, no, not again.
Pixelated fire.
Betcha's number one.
Betcha's number seven.
There's one.
Everything smells like licorice.
I like this one.
Let me get out of here.
We've been through every number.
What number haven't we hit?
Twelve.
All right.
I'm done.
You rolled a twelve.
Let's just say that.
Wait.
I didn't roll a twelve yet.
There it is.
Okay.
There it is.
Yeah.
All right.
What happens now?
So once you walk through the door, all the lights shut out and the room is back to the
way it looked when you first got in there before you touched the orb.
The orb.
You can now pass through the room to one of the two doors.
So the door we came in, the one we're going to?
No, no.
Well, you can't.
One of the three doors.
The door you came in.
Oh, the two others.
The top or the one to the bottom.
Or we can call it there.
Can we take the door, take a look and then end it?
Uh, let me check.
No.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't, I don't have a.
Can you just do a description maybe?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, daddy.
Oh, since you, uh, I don't, I was trying to think of something good about you, but couldn't
think of anything, but still, maybe you should just pick.
What?
Which door?
Well.
You can go to the top door or the bottom door.
What's wrong, I guess?
Huh?
Bottom door.
Because I'm a bottom bitch.
The bottom door.
Okay.
Let's see.
A narrow walkway two feet across hugs the edge of the circular chamber.
Beyond the edge of the walkway yawns a nasty 20-foot deep pit.
Evidently a trap that succeeded at its intended purpose.
An attractive young wizard and wizard, or woman in wizard's robes is impaled on a nasty looking
spike at the bottom, the pit's bottom, and gasping for breath.
If she's some kind of illusion, she's a convincing one.
music