There's a rabbit in the backyard.
Really?
Is that code?
Do you have to poop?
Is that a window?
I thought it was a laptop.
What?
The light?
You look like you're looking directly at the screen.
No, there's a rabbit in the backyard.
He's a big one.
So big in these binoculars?
You have bears.
No, I'm just kidding.
The dingleberries.
About the rabbit?
Yeah.
So you made it up?
No, he's there.
He's eating something.
I don't know what, though.
He's hopping.
Oh, he's coming close.
Bridget, get ready.
He's coming for my wife.
Prepare to intercept.
I promised I would tell everyone that Brandon killed a spider for me about five minutes ago.
And it was scary.
It was a big spider.
And he just pounded it with his fist.
Did he even get like a shoe?
No.
I was the shoe.
Did he let out a battle cry?
No, but I definitely.
It was silent yet deadly.
Skylar, I am the shoe.
Toe the line, Skylar.
There's a party here in Duskfall, and you've been invited.
Well, not so much as invited, as much as lied and snuck in under false pretenses.
In a convoluted plot that would make Agatha Christie proud, our heroes have snuck into what manner?
To steal a priceless artifact and replace it with another.
Why?
Because I'm the DM.
That's why.
So far, the crew has managed to sneak in undetected.
They've broken up to search for clues.
Squish and Lady Amora head to the basement to look for the artifact.
Juckles has gassed out the host and is now making his way upstairs.
And the captain has created a scene and is having a pity party in his favorite room, the library.
But is there more going on?
Why does Lady Amora want to find the artifact?
And who are the other guests at the party?
Why are there multiple demons in the house?
Are there multiple demons in the house?
I saw a lot of spooky things when I went to tuning.
Oh, why can't the captain capture ghosts?
And how many onions are in Juckles' hat?
That's a need-to-know basis.
The world may never know.
No.
No, not even Juckles knows how many onions are in his hat.
Because they multiply up there.
Oh, they're getting freaky on your head?
Yeah, onion sex.
My God.
That sounds really layered.
You joke, but one time, well, not one time.
It happens a lot.
I have potatoes in a cabinet and I forget about them.
And then I go to touch the potato and they've got all these weird, disgusting eyes on them.
They have more potatoes?
Yeah, it's disgusting.
And I honestly, it creeps me out.
So I throw the whole bag away.
Oh, we still eat them.
I get, I get, I get icked.
Yeah.
I just pull those off and eat them.
See, I like my potatoes out of a bag.
Heat up in the microwave.
Some water thrown on them.
Like the astronauts did.
There's still astronauts though.
Well, they did that too.
They do that and did that.
I used to do drugs.
I still do, but I used to too.
Oh, is that Mitch Hedberg?
Mitch Hedberg, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, welcome.
You guys are, I hope you had a good two weeks.
I did not listen back, but it did sound like you guys did.
I listened to the end because I was looking for a spot to end it.
And I did hear the gassing out, which was very funny.
I laughed at my own joke.
We hid in a bush drinking and smoking cigarettes, waiting for the wait staff to come out.
We smoked all our trick cigarettes.
And Squish came out.
I was like, what have you guys been doing?
And we were like, you've been smoking and drinking cigarettes.
There was a half-hearted plan of getting a really long trench coat.
But yeah, I do have a note on here that says denim tuxedo.
I think Squish, that's what you're wearing.
Yeah, that's my fancy wear.
Oh man, that should have been the name of the episode.
Smoking and drinking cigarettes.
I mean, really, that's just a good party.
Is it though?
This pen's not good, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to change the name of the episode.
Perfect.
We'll probably remember it more.
Right.
Instead of this is my fancy shirt.
It was his fancy shirt though.
It was just a shirt that said tuxedo on it.
It wasn't even a picture of a tuxedo.
It just said tuxedo.
I mean, that's pretty fancy.
I didn't expect to see that.
Yeah.
I expected to see a red frock coat.
Yep.
That's always an occasion.
More like red frock dress.
I mean, one man's dress is another man's frock coat.
What's the frock part?
It's the, you know, part of the whole ensemble.
Oh, that means he doesn't have a flying fig.
It's the name of the company.
The frock company.
And they make it out of fresh frock.
Now, shut the frock up, all right?
About my damn coat.
It's a formal men's coat characterized by a knee-length skirt.
It doesn't say what the frock is.
It means for frocking?
I mean, we could always use it as a verb.
I mean, it seems like that could work in this world.
Perhaps inspired by the then-casual country leisure wear frock.
Oh, man.
This is a deep, deep lore behind this coat.
All right.
I have to turn this off.
Oh, dear.
Oh, there they are.
I didn't know if that worked for a second.
Oh, who died?
Nothing.
We're starting now.
Oh.
It's a birth.
It's like a race, you know, like a shotgun race.
What are they?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway.
It's going to be a sweet-ass race where they just blast a shotgun into the air.
You guys are in Watt Manor.
You're trying to steal stuff.
I think everyone's got a pretty good idea of where they're at, right?
Does anyone need a refresher?
Brandon, Captain.
You're in the library reading on top of a pile of books, reading some of them.
I'm pretending I'm passed out and I'm actually drunk, so I'm trying to get in character right now.
Chuckles, you just SPD'd your way to a staircase to go upstairs.
And speaking of staircases, Squish and Lady Amoria are about to head downstairs.
So, who'd like to go first?
The gang's splitting up.
Split the...
Let's split up and search for clues.
That's some Scooby-Doo shit.
Split the party.
Um, I...
I don't know.
I don't know what's going to be more...
More...
Andy said he had a plan.
He told me to.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, just in case that there was a demon.
Well, there is a demon, I found out.
There's multiple demons.
Yeah.
Ding-dang demons.
There's two that he felt on this floor.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, then I'm going to walk downstairs with Amora.
All right.
That's Amora.
Basement time.
Y'all can see the basement?
Oh, sweet Jesus.
There's a pentagram.
I can see it, yeah.
Brandon, you can see it?
The pentagram?
Uh, yeah.
One big pentagram.
Yeah, so you, uh, you walk down the stairs to the basement.
It makes kind of a sharp turn to the side.
Uh, and you kind of come to just a general, uh, basement landing.
It's just a basement room.
There's a long hallway that extends forward with some openings on either side.
All right.
Uh, Lady Amora is not 100% convinced about being down here.
She kind of keeps, like, looking back over her shoulder.
You know, we really, really shouldn't be down here.
We probably should go back and join the party.
Uh.
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure the artifact is down here.
Are you sure?
Because.
No.
That's not what.
That's not.
No.
That's not what I heard, but.
What did you hear?
Well, I don't know.
I didn't hear anything.
But, I mean, why would they keep it in the basement?
Well, where else would they keep it?
It's not anywhere on the main floor.
What, did you guys look on the main floor?
No, the maid told me.
Oh.
Told one of us.
I think she told Chuckles, who then told it to you while you were eavesdropping on him.
And while he was also eavesdropping on you.
Yes.
Oh, that old bit.
So, I want to ask her, why are you interested in finding the artifact?
I honestly wanted to buy it straight off of Watt.
I didn't want to do any of this auctioning.
I'm not a big believer in violence and competition like that.
I just thought if I could just pay for it, he'd give it to me.
But wouldn't you know it, he's just not agreeable to that.
What a dick.
Something about owing a debt to the red sashes and all this, and I don't really care.
All right.
Well, I'll tell you what, if the artifact is down here, you can have it.
Well, you can buy it from me, because I'm going to steal it.
Why do you want to steal it?
I got paid to.
By who?
I don't remember his name.
Do you know this guy is real, or did you imagine him?
No, he's real.
My buddies saw him, too.
They talked to him, I swear.
Was your buddy the one that collapsed on the bookshelf, sobbing?
Yeah.
I had him do that to cause a distraction for us to get down here.
Thanks for the cover, dude.
All right.
So I want to just keep walking.
Is it lit down here?
It's lit well enough.
It's not, like, super bright, but, I mean, there's enough that you can, there's nothing
that I pop out and scream at you or anything.
Okay.
Because you're walking along, and the first kind of section, the doorway you get to onto
the left-hand side is just a room filled with some general, like, artifacts and, you know,
pictures of family.
But not the artifact I'm looking for.
No.
It's definitely, like, a very dusty-looking room.
It doesn't look like anyone's been there in a while.
It's more of a storage area than anything.
Sorry.
Tap Amoria on the shoulder.
Like, see?
There are artifacts down here.
She looks in them and kind of rifles through them, and she goes, these are all just about
the Watt family.
Like, Watt family.
She pulls out a scrapbook that says Watt family vacation, 79.
What century?
Just a scrapbook full of their pictures.
Well, in this world or in general?
The vacation.
79.
Just 79 AD?
Well, you know how they do, like, the comma year.
Right.
But what is the comma year?
It's like 20X1, man.
It's like, you know.
All right.
I'm in the past.
I broke the illusion.
What year is it?
What year are we in?
It's around the Victorian times without being in the name on Earth.
We're in 546 since the fall of the Emperor.
Oh, okay.
So we do have a time.
No, you don't.
I made that up.
We would have believed that.
She pulls out boxes and rifles through them, and it's like baby's first, you know, haircut,
you know, great aunt Uncle Winnie's, you know, college papers, and just kind of general family
joke.
Save some of that hair.
All right.
She passes the bag of hair to you.
I put it in my pocket.
Or under my hat.
Put it in my butt.
My butt.
All right.
How much hair was there?
Like, how much hair did baby have?
It had an entire bag.
The Watts are notoriously famous for being born with full heads of hair.
Full mullets.
Right out of the womb.
All right.
I just start walking away.
Towards the bag.
You pass some empty, well, it's a dungeon, but you just pass some empty cells.
There's nobody really in there, but, you know, there's like hay on the floor and some just general detritus.
I don't know what that means.
Garbage.
Oh.
Why couldn't you just say garbage?
One room beyond that is a, well, it's called a secret room, but it's just kind of a warehouse.
There's like a working table, a bench table on it, some boxes covered with...
Back here?
Fabric.
Yeah.
Okay.
Back here.
Yep.
Right we're here.
No guards or anything, huh?
Nope.
There's nobody down here.
Oh.
Okay.
Can I do a survey roll?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Risky standard?
Yeah.
It's fairly well lit.
It's a pretty normal area.
Oh.
Well.
What was that?
A three?
Because my screen just broke.
Yeah.
It doesn't look, there's nothing really of note in here.
It just looks very dusty.
You do notice that there is kind of some footprints leading over to, from one passageway, like on
the left-hand side, over to the other, just directly across the hall.
Like, they didn't stop in this room.
They just went from right across.
But Amori is getting more and more antsy, and she's just like, I really don't think we
need to be down here.
People are looking for me upstairs.
We really just need to turn around and just head back up the stairs.
And she kind of starts pulling on your arm.
I think there's just, I think there's only like one more room to check out.
I really, I really don't think we need to keep looking.
I mean, it's pretty, nobody's down here.
I mean, you don't see anything, right?
No, you see these footprints and the dust that are not mine, I assume.
No, they're not yours.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, she really is just kind of antsy.
And she's like, if you don't turn around, I will.
And I will let Watt know exactly what we're doing.
And he'll bring guards down here.
And throw you out and throw your friends out.
Oh, okay.
All right, well, I guess we'll go back.
You gonna turn around?
Yeah, I'll turn around.
Oh.
And you're gonna head back up to the top.
Slowly.
Bridget, when you...
You're slowly.
When you turn your microphone, it sounds like you're farting.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just didn't want to hear you...
You had to make you listen to me drink.
Well, I don't want to hear that either.
But I also don't want to hear you fart.
It shatters the illusion.
I mean, or does it?
I mean...
Oh, right.
All right.
So you head back upstairs,
Back to the library.
Uh, Chuckles, what are you, uh...
What are you up to?
Well, uh...
I farted my way because it was a distraction, right?
Yes.
Um...
And, uh...
You were going upstairs.
Yeah, I was sort of, like, slinking upstairs.
You know, like when someone, like, hugs the wall and, like,
sneaks up the stairs.
Uh...
Yeah, I'm not sure what I'm doing up here.
I'm looking for the artifact, but not really sure where to start.
Um...
I snuck up here without really thinking about why I was sneaking up here.
But just that we got to cover a lot of ground.
Uh...
So you, uh...
Sneak up the stairs and you get to the top floor.
Um...
If you, like, towards your, uh...
If you're coming out of the stairs and you're here...
I'll drop you on here.
All right.
Uh...
If you're here...
Can I do a flashback?
I think I want to do?
Okay.
Yes.
Right before we split up getting into the house,
because Andy went through the front door...
Squish went through the front door,
and me and...
the captain were gonna hide in the bushes.
We talked about our plan about, like, meeting up.
Like, if we split up again...
Like, we were gonna meet up and then split up again
to cover more ground in the house.
Um...
I would like to put, like, a timer somehow
that we know that we're gonna meet back up
at a certain time in a certain place.
Do you wanna flash that out?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So...
All right.
So we act out.
You guys go over there.
Behind.
And I'll come up...
Or I'll...
I'll go in...
And I'll...
I'll find a door that we can go through.
Okay.
So...
Wait.
What are you doing, Andy?
I'm trying to play into the flashback.
You're in the flashback.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
I assume we're gonna have to Scooby-Doo this
at some point and split up
and cover some ground.
That is probably a good idea.
Or a good thought.
All right.
Um...
We should meet back at some particular time
in a particular place.
Um...
Maybe we'll meet back up in the kitchen?
You wanna do the kitchen?
Well, we didn't...
I don't remember.
Were you walking in as part of the wait staff?
Me?
No.
Okay.
Were we walking in as part of the wait staff?
We had one invite, so I went in.
Oh, okay.
And then I just went out to the back
where the wait staff were smoking
and let you guys in.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Well, then...
Maybe we should just wait...
I don't know.
Where do you think we should...
should meet, Captain?
Um...
I don't know.
What about, like, in front of the bathroom?
The bush?
In front of the bathroom.
Oh, yes.
We could all pretend that we have to go to the bathroom
at the same time.
It's a good excuse.
That's our rendezvous spot?
Yes.
Yeah.
So now...
How will we know when...
Okay.
This is gonna be great,
because none of us know where the bathroom is at.
Right.
But we're gonna have to find the bathroom.
Yeah.
I...
I don't...
I don't know.
Um...
Some...
Time...
Period.
I...
Minutes.
Perhaps.
Just to give you guys a...
A sort of reminder.
The, uh...
The...
Uh...
There's an hour before the auction starts
where, uh...
The piece will be hidden.
There's an hour where, uh...
It'll be put on display.
And then, uh...
Then the auction starts.
You guys are 40 minutes into your first hour.
Okay.
So in...
In 20 minutes,
it'll be on display.
Yep.
Okay.
All right.
So let's meet 10 minutes before it goes on display.
All right.
That sounds good.
And then talk about what we have.
Because then we might have time to swipe it
before it goes on display.
We'll have 10 minutes to swipe it
before it goes on display.
Depending on what we find.
Ideally, we would want to do it
before it goes on display.
I don't know.
Well, otherwise,
it's on display.
There are a bunch of people around it.
Not if they have...
There definitely are.
There are guards and several other people
in front of the room.
Or in the room where it's being displayed.
You saw that when you walked in.
Right.
One of us has onions
and we cut them
and everyone starts crying
and then we steal it.
Although I guess we'll be crying too.
Well, you're not going to be.
You're used to it.
Yeah.
You got that right.
All right.
Well, we'll figure that part out later.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Ten minutes before it's being shown.
So, I have ten minutes
to look around
and see what I can find.
Yep.
I would...
Can I...
like half...
sprint
kind of like
a supermarket shuffle
and try all...
try all of the doors
to see if they're unlocked?
Sure.
Okay.
So, the first...
Do you want to move your piece
so I can tell you?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
That door...
The door in the back?
Locked.
All right.
Does it...
Does it look important to me?
No.
All right.
No, it's a room
at the back of the house.
All right.
That door is locked
but you do hear voices behind it.
Voices.
Children?
No.
Adults.
Okay.
Does it sound scary?
No.
They just sound like
they're talking amongst themselves
but they're on the second floor
and they definitely shouldn't.
You know when it's supposed
to be on the second floor.
I'm not supposed to be
on the second floor.
Correct.
All right.
I would like to push
my ear up against it.
Sure.
Can I hear anything?
Yes, you can.
Give me one second.
I don't have one second.
This is for me.
This is a role for me.
This isn't anything for you guys.
So you hear two people up there.
You hear a woman,
two women.
They are just talking
amongst themselves
but you can kind of
overhear as them talking,
them saying,
how do you plan
to get your hands
on the piece?
And the other woman
is like,
I have no idea.
I can't even find
the damn thing.
And the first woman
kind of swears
a little bit
and she's like,
shit.
I didn't really want
to have to do this
but I might have
to bribe them.
It might get violent
down there.
Are you ready for this?
And the second woman,
you don't hear her response
but they continue
to talk behind the door.
All right.
I am,
wait,
I don't really
want to have to do this.
Did they say
what they were going to do?
I was thinking
very hard
the entire time.
I would not be good
at this heist stuff.
It's about to get violent.
It might get violent.
All right.
I would like to
kick in the door.
All right.
You have lockpicking skills.
I know,
but this is all part
of my plan.
Okay.
And it's so,
this feels like
when Andy was like,
I'd like to dive
into the garbage pit.
Well,
they sound like old ladies.
So you want to
wreck the door.
You just want to
kind of destroy it.
Yeah.
You manage to
kick in the door
and inside are
two women.
grab them really quick.
One of them
is a
very dark.
Everyone is very formal,
but this woman
is a dark haired lady
dressed formally
in uptight clothes.
Her name is
Lady Averanthi.
And then she is
talking to
Lady of the Night,
Madam Teslin.
And they both
turn at you
and you,
they're not happy
to see you,
but they're also
a little shocked
because you
obviously
just scared
the shit
out of them
by knocking
through the door.
And Madam Teslin
turns and she
pulls out a knife
and she goes,
who are you?
It's a very,
very stupid question.
There are guns
in this universe,
right?
Absolutely.
Okay.
I'm going to
point my fingers
out like a kid
playing cops
and robbers
and say,
the jig is up,
ladies.
I know what
you're up to.
And Lady Averanthi,
the more well-dressed,
the finer of the two,
kind of puts her hand
out to the other one
and says,
hold on a minute.
Do we know you?
No,
you don't,
but you're about to
and you guys
are busted.
You are in serious
trouble right now.
The two ladies
look at each other
and they,
Madam Teslin
puts her knife back
and where she puts it,
you don't know
because she's not
wearing very much,
but it just kind of
disappears upon her person.
Lady Averanthi smiles
and she goes,
I think there's been
some sort of
misunderstanding here.
Do you know
who I am?
To be honest,
no,
but I heard,
I heard the whole thing,
the whole conversation,
the plan,
I know,
and we've been
investigating this whole thing
and we found you.
Found us doing what?
Oh,
your conspiracy,
your dirty,
dirty,
dark conspiracy.
It's shameful,
Miss,
Miss Averanthi.
It's downright shameful.
She kind of laughs.
She's not intimidated
in the slightest.
She's like,
why don't you just,
why don't you just come in
and sit down
and we'll talk about this.
We don't need to get
violent or anything like that.
Nobody was being serious.
How about this lady?
How about I go turn you in
right now?
I got half of mine
to turn you right over
to the authorities.
You could do that,
but seeing as I'm
an Aruvian diplomat,
I pretty much have
diplomatic immunity
and I don't think
anyone's going to,
Aruvian diplomat?
What the hell's
a diplomat?
Well,
for starters,
there's someone
who can't be arrested
by a tuxedo-wearing man
who smells of gas,
onions,
and pointing his fingers
at me.
Wait,
wait, wait.
A diplomat has that ability?
I'm just talking about this now.
He has immunity to shit?
Wait,
how can I become
a diplomat?
Is there a course?
A subscription?
Is there perhaps
a community college
I can attend?
What?
No.
No,
wait,
I don't smell like gas.
That's not what you're smelling.
Then,
what am I smelling?
Nothing.
Never mind.
Lady Teslin,
Madam Teslin,
kind of just laughs at you.
She's a very beautiful woman,
but you can definitely tell
she's a little ragged
around the edges.
Well,
you know,
kind of a lady of the,
an experienced night walker,
as you were.
Some might call her
a night jogger
at this point.
Oh, man.
That's great.
She kind of laughs, too,
and she's like,
you're cute.
You're kind of funny.
You sure you don't want
to come on in here?
I'm in here already,
and I'm going to turn you in
if you don't tell me
what your plan is.
the rest of your plan.
And I,
all right,
I want in.
If I can't turn you in,
I'm turning you in.
We've heard,
Lady Arathi says,
we've heard that there are rumors
that someone is going to try
and steal the,
the statue tonight,
and obviously,
we wouldn't want anything
bad to happen.
As a Rubian diplomat
and a Rubian myself,
I understand how important
this artifact is
to my people,
and we're just concerned
that there are people
who would try to do it harm
and are trying to make sure
we protect that
against any eventuality
of that sort.
Yeah,
you and me both.
You won't know
if anyone's planning
on stealing
the statue tonight,
do you?
No.
I don't know anything
about that.
I don't know how anyone
would be able
to do that.
I mean,
it seems impossible
to me,
really,
honestly.
as an academic exercise.
We should team up
to protect it.
Well,
I mean,
I'm certain
that Mr. Watt
has it under lock and key,
so we're just wanting
to make sure
that nothing happens
after the auction.
So who's getting violent
with who here?
Well,
she's no longer
trying to get violent
with you.
No,
I'm saying that aloud.
No.
We've heard rumors.
There's this
silly little group
called the Truth Seeker Society
and they're one of those
where,
oh,
it belongs in a museum.
They sound like real nerds.
They really,
really are
some real nerds.
And we just,
I understand their sentiment.
All of the people
should be subject
to Aruvian's culture
and beauty,
but we just,
it goes to the highest bidder.
It's a privately owned piece
that's being privately sold.
Madam Teslin,
at this point,
by the way,
is no longer paying attention
and she's definitely
like found a flask
in another part of her
body that she's pulled out.
Maybe her hip,
but maybe not.
And she's starting to drink it
while she's sitting
at this table.
So what are we going to do now?
Well,
we could,
you could close the door
and continue on your way.
We could all go downstairs
together or,
I don't know,
do you have a third option?
Um,
no,
but I need to be down
in,
let's say,
five minutes,
stairs.
I need to be downstairs
in five minutes
to,
um,
use the bathroom.
So,
I am
gonna
catch you
later.
Unless,
lady,
what,
uh,
what's the,
the harlot's name?
The sexy one?
Yeah.
Gwinnemir.
Teslin.
Teslin?
Teslin.
Unless Teslin,
you think I'm cute.
Oh,
I think every man's cute
if they pay enough money.
All right,
well,
see you later.
I slink away.
All right,
uh,
Chuckles,
you want to try
any of the other doors?
Uh,
maybe,
but I've been
taking up a lot of time,
so I don't know
if I have time.
You have about five minutes left.
Yeah,
so I take a look
at my pocket watch
and,
uh,
decide that I have to
go to the bathroom
quite badly.
All right.
I'm on the onions.
Uh,
and then I pop my,
I pop my head in the door
as I walk away.
I kind of do the thing
where I disappear
and I turn around.
Where is the bathroom?
I think it's on the ground floor.
Right.
It's big floor.
Uh,
that's a good question.
I don't know
if this place has a bathroom.
Uh-oh.
This is going to get
real messy.
I take it back.
There's a,
there's a closet
between the drawing room
and,
uh,
the,
in the hallway,
right off the hallway,
there's a closet.
A water closet.
That's a bathroom now.
And,
Lady,
It was the hat,
it was the hat room,
it was the coat room before,
now it's the bathroom.
has any suitor paid you
in produce?
And I hold,
I tip my hat like this
and there's an onion inside?
No.
And she slams the door on you.
No.
So where are the shots?
Well,
not that cute.
All right.
I'm going to
head that way
and patiently wait for,
um,
my teammates.
All right.
Uh,
Captain,
what have you,
uh,
what have you been doing?
Oh,
I haven't passed out
on the books.
Um,
can I get,
can I,
who's all,
can I do a perception check
or something
and see who's around me?
Sure.
Uh,
just,
uh,
you could just do a survey.
First,
is that one survey?
Survey.
Or a study.
You could do a study.
I did a survey.
Okay.
Survey says?
Partial success.
Uh,
so you can tell,
uh,
looking around you
that,
uh,
Squish and Lady Amoria
haven't come back up yet.
It's you,
a guard,
um,
and then a few other people
have just kind of
wandered in here.
Uh,
one is a very strange man
in,
um,
like,
paint,
he's,
his face is painted
white.
It's got like,
I think very,
uh,
French revolutionary,
you know,
kind of goof,
uh,
with the wig.
He's got a hat on here.
I'll show you a picture of him.
I'm having issues zooming in.
How do you zoom in?
I'm having,
it's like blurry.
I can't see anything.
I don't know about it being blurry,
but you should be able to,
I don't know.
What's the zoom in?
I feel like we've done,
I,
I know mine works with,
mine works with the scroll wheel,
so.
Yeah.
Oh.
I,
I think before we've changed the setting,
you had to turn the touchpad settings on.
Oh,
I did.
No,
I thought you did too,
but maybe not in this game.
I threw a picture of this guy in the chat.
Okay.
Do you see him?
Yeah.
All right.
He's in the,
he's just poked his head in the room too.
And he's like,
gracious,
what's going on in here?
It's a party here in Agrabah and you're invited.
Uh,
he kind of.
I pull out another full giant bottle of whiskey out of my coat.
You look like a man who likes to party.
How about you party with the old captain Fitz Clyde?
All right.
Uh,
and he sits down next to you on the floor in the pile of books and,
uh,
takes the bottle from you and takes a drink.
Oh,
how do you do?
Cheers.
I'm sure I'm in one of these books.
I'm the great ghost captain,
the ghost pirate.
Ghost captain.
Well,
that sounds very exciting.
Uh,
you've seen some of my paintings,
of course,
you know,
I'm,
uh,
Lord Raffaello,
uh,
painter,
humanist,
eccentric,
you know,
one of those types.
Right.
I,
I'm the same way.
Well,
uh,
he,
uh,
takes another,
uh,
sip of your whiskey and says,
do you prefer to be on the floor?
Um,
no,
I'm just kind of waiting.
Uh,
here on a,
um,
what was I here for again?
Mission.
No,
I'm here to party.
No,
I'm here to,
to read.
I'm reading.
Well,
certainly there are more libraries,
uh,
than in the private home of Mr.
Watt to look at quite right.
Right.
But Mr.
Watt probably won't know.
I pushed over his bookshelf.
I mean,
no,
I'm sure no one can,
uh,
will think that he says,
as you're sitting literally on top of the pile of books,
which has fallen over.
Right.
No.
Yeah.
We should get out of here.
Why don't you hit him at him?
I mean,
no,
I mean,
just because he's cute.
You can't really tell a lot of his features under that powdered red,
but he is not like incredibly old.
He's middle aged.
So he's desperate.
So what brings you into these parts?
Oh,
great company.
I don't really have a stomach for this sort of artifact,
artifacts,
whatever.
And this historical,
uh,
you know,
nonsense,
but this is the party to be at.
Uh,
I don't plan on actually auctioning at this thing.
Do you bidding on it?
Uh,
no,
I've heard there's a pretty big,
uh,
trinket they're selling at this thing.
Yes.
Have you the lion?
Have you heard what it can do?
I've heard it.
It looks like a pretty bad looking lion.
Oh,
you are a cat.
And he slaps your arm.
No,
it could tell you anything that the,
anything that you ask of it,
uh,
that the lion might know.
Do lions know things?
Apparently this one does.
He speaks.
He's wow.
he's some,
so you're saying like,
like a human.
I'd never heard it before.
So you're,
are you saying he's some sort of humanoid lion?
Oh,
Jesus.
Uh,
I don't think his mouth actually moves.
I think it's a magical enchantment.
Not like he's an actual humanoid lion.
Oh,
all right.
Uh,
it's so,
it's sort of like a metaphor.
I see.
I suppose so.
Have you,
uh,
have you checked out the other items in the,
uh,
in,
in the display case?
anything good?
Oh,
I have no idea.
It all looks very priceless.
Priceless.
It's going to make for a terrible auction.
Oh,
no,
I,
uh,
honestly,
I,
uh,
I came in,
I found some booze and I found their books and I got content with doing that.
I'm sort of going through a little bit of a midlife crisis right now.
I think I'm not sure what's going on with me.
I'm very incompetent lately.
Incompetent or incontinent?
Oh,
I think I meant impotent.
Anyway.
Anywho.
Yeah.
So,
I kind of,
uh,
I fell apart in those books that were on some sort of mission.
Um,
well,
if you're feeling incontinent,
uh,
you should ask that lion,
uh,
you know,
something,
maybe,
it'll help you.
You could bid on it.
Uh,
do you have any money?
Oh,
yes.
Several ounces of it.
Oh,
and you see,
uh,
Raffaello kind of like wiggles up a little bit closer to you and he says,
do tell.
Well,
you know,
I'm a very well-known pirate.
I come from the seven seas of,
what was the name of that?
What was the name of that?
I forgot.
I'm sorry.
I was sorry.
The seven,
the seven,
seven thieves.
foot mouth.
See,
what?
It was called foot mouth.
See?
Yeah.
The foot icon.
I've just got done traveling the foot mouth.
See?
I think.
And I'm a very successful,
famous pirate.
You may have heard of me.
I'm probably in these books somewhere.
I could just find myself.
There I am.
Midlife crisis talking about finding myself,
right?
Uh,
anyway.
Well,
Raffaello picks himself up off the floor and he goes,
it was quite nice to meet you,
captain.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get your name.
Captain Adric Fitzclyde.
Nice to meet you,
Mr.
Fitzclyde.
I have a few other guests.
I need to,
uh,
you know,
hang around and schmooze with,
but if you're ever looking for a fellow drinking partner,
you'll find me over,
uh,
in the drawing room.
Uh,
and he kind of leaves the room.
Cheers.
Wait,
do you know where the bathroom's at?
Oh.
So it is now,
uh,
50 minutes in.
It's,
uh,
10 minutes before you were supposed to meet up in the bathroom.
Where are you guys all do?
What do you,
what do y'all do?
What y'all doing?
Well,
I'm waiting at the bathroom.
Uh,
just sort of looking around,
pretending that I'm waiting to get in the bathroom.
Uh,
but there's nobody in there.
Uh,
but there's nobody in there.
Uh,
but there's nobody in there.
Uh,
but there's nobody in there.
I'm asking,
uh,
I'm asking,
uh,
lady Amora where the bathroom is.
and if she could show me.
Uh,
yes,
it's in the,
the front hall and she leads you out into the front hall,
the bathroom where you see chuckles waiting.
Oh,
it looks like there's a line.
I'm walking around talking to people,
asking them questions,
but I forgot what I was supposed to ask them about,
which is the bathroom.
Do you know where the laundry room?
Wait,
where'd that one guy go?
The lavatory?
No,
no.
He went to the,
the draw,
the drawing room.
Do you know where the drawing room's at?
And by extension,
is that the bathroom?
Need to draw a piss.
It turns out I'm just talking to a portrait.
Wow.
He's wasted.
Yep.
This is a,
this is a rough time in my life.
Uh,
he's kind of,
you see the captain kind of stumbling down the hallway,
just pointing at random portraits and maids as they pass.
And then occasionally in a reflection at himself,
captain,
captain.
Oh,
juggles.
Donald Andrew juggles.
We're over here.
Is this the line for the drawing room?
Are you drunk?
Oh,
you smell.
I get a whiff and you're just reek of three bottles of whiskey that you've managed to pull from some orifice.
You are wasted.
I don't know what happened.
It just happened,
man.
You weren't supposed to maybe pretend to be drunk.
I get drunk.
No,
no,
no.
The thing is,
you got to learn how to hold your liquor on the high seas.
You know,
I've been drinking whiskey for very many years.
Look at me.
I am a man who can hold his liquor.
No,
don't.
Stop talking.
Look at me.
Yes.
Uh,
I'd like to slap him.
I want to slap some sense into him.
Yeah,
but use the wreck attack though.
The wreck attack.
Yeah.
What?
And just wreck his face?
Well,
if you roll successfully,
sure.
Is that really what I should be rolling?
I mean,
I guess I don't know what else it would be.
I'm not tinkering with his psyche.
Uh,
you could do a skirmish.
I guess.
If you didn't want to,
if you didn't want to just go straight out and deck him,
uh,
and you just kind of wanted to slap him kind of just like upside the head.
Yeah.
I would say a skirmish.
Is there like,
there's not like an intimidate or like,
uh,
what's,
uh,
how do you,
you could do like,
uh,
or like convince them.
That would be like a sway,
uh,
or a consort where you'd kind of be like friendly with them.
No,
sway would be more of like trying to like,
like,
you know,
convince them in a,
like a manipulative sort of way.
You could command him,
which is like yelling at him.
No,
none of which you have,
by the way,
I'm going to wreck it.
Martial success.
You slap him.
And he stumbles backwards,
uh,
not to the ground,
but definitely,
uh,
definitely back.
And it's loud enough that other people kind of turn and he'd look at you.
Wow.
I stumble.
Look,
uh,
that didn't feel like partial success.
Yeah.
No,
he insulted my family bloodline.
Nothing to see here.
All right.
Did you so rub a little bit?
All I said is your family's very layered,
you onion pickling son of them.
Yeah.
I would hope as part of the partial success,
I made him a little bit less drunk.
Yes,
you did.
He's a little bit more sober now.
Which actually walks into the bathroom.
All right.
I'll follow him into the bathroom.
I stumble.
I stumble into the bathroom.
Now we're in the bathroom.
What are we going to do now?
What is clearly a one person bathroom?
Tell me you guys found it.
I know where the statue.
No.
You didn't find it?
There's nothing downstairs.
Oh,
there's nothing upstairs.
Well,
I don't really know.
I didn't check all of the doors.
Uh,
there are some creepy old ladies and one girl was very into me,
but I had to turn her down.
Uh,
Captain.
Did you offer her an onion?
I did.
Would you know it?
Uh,
Captain,
did you find anything?
I hesitate to ask.
I found a very nice powdered man.
Bottle of whiskey,
apparently.
And a powdered man.
You didn't tell him your name,
did you?
Your,
your real name.
Uh,
I mean,
I assumed he knew that already.
I mean,
I'm the captain.
All right.
I'm a staple.
I mean,
I did uncover something afoot.
An Arubian diplomat is apparently immune.
Is that something I can learn to do?
You know what?
I never heard of it either.
I thought she made the word up,
but it turns out it's a word that means you can't be guilty.
So perhaps we should look into that at some point.
Uh,
but apparently this woman has already gone to at least one community college and is now a diplomat.
Yes.
We'll have to write that down for later.
Right.
I love these running gags that go across games.
Diplomat,
the humanoid lion.
So I think she might be after it and there might be violence,
but I don't,
I still don't know where it is.
She didn't tell you.
Um,
no,
I,
it was really confusing because I,
at first I was trying to make her think that she was in trouble.
And then I felt like I was in trouble.
And,
uh,
I just,
I just kind of,
I kind of left.
You didn't,
you didn't point your fingers at him like a gun.
Did you?
It's almost as if you were there,
uh,
but I couldn't think of anything better to do.
So,
uh,
we've got 10 minutes and we still don't know where it is,
but we will know where it is in 10 minutes.
We've got nothing.
Uh,
we could just buy it,
baby.
I don't think we have enough money for that.
No.
All right.
Here's my plan.
Don't say drink more.
No,
no.
As soon as they put on the stage,
you guys create a distraction and I'm going to run and grab it.
No,
no,
no.
We're not supposed to steal it.
We have to switch it with the fake.
Oh yeah.
So you're right.
Thank God someone was paying attention.
All right.
Wait,
who's supposed to,
let's put it on display right now before they put it on display.
Stealthy.
Oh,
yes.
And then when they try to put it on display,
they'll be like,
what?
All right.
I'm the most drunk.
so I think I should do it.
I don't think that's true at all.
What?
You don't think I'm the most drunk?
I'll prove you wrong.
You're definitely the most drunk.
Oh,
you're definitely the most drunk.
Is the rabbit back?
There's two of them out there.
Oh,
are they going at it like rabbits?
No,
one's a little baby.
One of one's a massive one.
Okay.
Power dynamic.
actually,
I kind of like that plan.
Junkles.
Yeah.
I'm good on my feet.
Yeah.
I,
I heard it.
I'm not sure what they're going to do when they see something already on display.
So what,
we're just going to sneak up there right now?
Do we know where it's going to be on display?
Fusion.
Yeah.
Uh,
yeah,
here,
uh,
you see the junk boys?
The room it's in?
This one.
Over here.
Oh,
here.
That's outside.
Oh,
now it's inside.
Yeah.
All right.
So there's a lot of people in there.
Yeah,
but,
you know,
uh,
we cause distraction.
Yep.
I know where we can get a few good farts.
Not sure that's going to work again,
but I can barge in the room and do something.
Captain.
Yes.
Pretend to be a rich old captain that let me go in retired and just come into a lot of booty.
Yes.
Like Rodney Dangerfield in a candy shack.
All right.
I can do this.
Let me go in first and I'll get like settled in over there.
Perhaps.
Cause I'm the one with,
I'm the one with the,
the decoy.
Perhaps in a fern.
Uh,
let's not rule that out.
Okay.
But preferably not.
Uh,
I don't know.
Is it,
is it,
is it a display case?
Has anyone seen where this thing's going to be on display?
It must be in a blocked case.
Uh,
are you asking me or are you just asking in general?
I have to ask each other.
I think I,
I think last time I saw where it was going to be displayed.
Okay.
Whether or not it was in a case,
I don't remember.
I can unlock it with my tinkering skills.
Is it in a case?
Bridget,
I'm asking you.
Okay.
Sorry.
You're scared.
It's frozen.
I wasn't sure.
Uh,
yes,
uh,
it is,
it is in a glass case.
Okay.
It's not yet though.
It's an empty glass case.
Yeah.
There's nothing in there now.
Um,
some of the other artifacts in there are not under glass cases.
Some are,
but this one definitely is.
And it's in the center of the room,
uh,
in like this main arch table,
right in the smack dab.
And listen.
Okay.
I,
all right.
That sounds good.
Juffles.
Captain,
give us like five minutes of,
before you create your distraction.
I can't make any promises.
Okay.
Three minutes.
I don't know.
I don't know which way we're going here.
I'm just joking.
It's a,
it's an expression.
I'll be fine.
Let's go.
Boy.
Oh boy.
Okay.
So then I,
I exit the bathroom and walk into where it's going to be.
going to be displayed.
In there,
there are two guards.
There are two Aruvian,
uh,
individuals with swords.
Uh,
one is a,
uh,
dark,
taller female.
One is a very tall male.
The male looks familiar to you guys.
Uh,
you're not quite sure where he's from.
Aladdin,
the movie.
it could be Aladdin.
Uh,
there are also two other members in here.
They both look like members of aristocracy,
uh,
aristocracy,
uh,
one male,
one female,
both kind of,
you know,
tight lipped,
you know,
general frown on their face sort of types.
All right.
so squish you're walking in and like getting into like a position.
Yeah.
All right.
I am going to walk in and just start perusing the wares,
trying not trying just to avoid people coming up to me and talking,
trying to avoid eye contact,
uh,
pretending to look at things,
looking around the room,
my hands,
my pockets,
maybe whistling or just making a whistling,
whistling pantomime,
but not making any noise.
And waiting the three minutes we agreed until the captain comes in.
Yes,
I am doing the same thing,
except on the opposite side of the room.
Captain.
Oh,
I thought you were right.
I thought I still had to wait a few more minutes.
I mean,
yes,
you don't have to actually wait the three minutes though.
Right.
You made a big deal about me.
Made it.
Okay.
Uh,
just to give you some timing,
you have about five minutes before,
uh,
the,
uh,
artifact is supposed to come down.
All right.
So I come in and I kick open the door.
Uh,
everyone immediately turns towards you.
The two Rubians,
uh,
have swords and they kind of just put their hands on them.
The two guards also kind of turn as well.
Gather around my friends and fellows.
I have a story to tell you about being a pirate on the sea.
Let me tell you the story about what I saw,
thought what is a most beautiful mermaid and turned out to be the most beautiful fish.
Come on,
gather around,
gather around.
I'll tell you all about it.
And does it work?
Does I,
do I go?
Yeah.
You know what?
Let's see.
Or a command.
Or a rack.
Does he even kick the door open?
The door wasn't even locked.
It was like slightly ajar.
He broke his foot.
What do I have to do?
So do you want to command them to come closer?
Yeah.
Okay.
So you have one plus one because you have your,
uh,
eye patch.
Give me a second.
I mean,
I might,
my,
uh,
thing went missing.
The,
uh,
the,
the toggles at the top that you'd be able to do that.
Do you have your character highlighted if you click on it?
There it goes.
Okay.
Um,
I want to,
I want to help him to command.
So you're going to get command plus two.
Cause you have one.
And then,
uh,
Andy's going to help you.
Can I help him too?
I don't know how.
No,
no,
I think only one person can help.
You need to take her.
I think you need to,
I do need to tinker.
What's the point of all of us distracting if none of us gets the thing?
No,
no,
no.
I,
the way I help is I tell the guards like you,
you guys should probably get him the fuck out of here.
What?
He is drunk.
I thought what you were going to do was something like,
Oh,
come on guys.
Let's go.
Listen to this guy.
He sounds great.
Is that Captain Fitzcarl?
Gather around Captain Adric Fitzclyde,
the famous ghost pirate of Duskball.
So you can,
uh,
shake my head.
He's choosing his real name.
No,
I guess you succeeded.
Uh,
so,
so as you're talking,
um,
people are gathering around you.
The two guards are kind of sneaking along the other side.
They haven't,
uh,
kicked you out yet,
but they are definitely closer to you than they are to the,
uh,
to the,
uh,
object.
Um,
the other people are also starting to pay attention to you as well.
The two rich people in there.
And then the two Aruvians.
Holy shit.
How'd you do that?
Uh,
I don't know.
I typed a chat message.
I forgot.
It makes it zoom on my character.
Yeah.
It's funny.
No,
I,
my whole screen was blurry.
Now everything's clear.
Everyone,
uh,
is starting to surround the captain captain.
Continue on with your story.
Please.
I'm just telling all sorts of exotic stories.
All sorts of exotic stories about attractive fish.
You know,
uh,
you know,
basically,
and,
uh,
you know,
and how I was trying to catch my,
uh,
my great,
um,
white whale.
Um,
that was actually a seal.
So my great white seal,
it might,
he,
I'm after him,
cause one time I was eating on the deck and he ate my meal.
So that's the seal.
Ate your meal.
And that's the deal.
And he stole my meal.
It was a steel.
All right.
So that's the deal.
He's bombing out there.
Everyone's looking at me.
That's the point.
And I'm also doing this weird finger gun thing.
I'm like,
Hey,
White sealed my meal.
That's how it works.
It's so stupid.
But he's got him captivated.
I know I am.
And the guards are...
Are they coming for him too?
To like throw him out?
It's a mixture of they want to throw you out
but you actually haven't done anything
besides been really loud and obnoxious.
At a fancy party.
And a frock.
At least some people like, you know,
are they into it?
Please.
You know, you notice that in the corner...
That means something, right?
Out of the corner of your eye,
you see two people who have come...
They can hear you across the house.
Including Raffaello,
the powdered man you met before.
And Turnswald.
You guys remember him?
Oh yeah.
He made our shit.
Didn't he?
Oh yeah.
He's the expert.
Yeah.
He kind of comes stumbling
and he's been drinking all night as well
and he puts his hand on Raffaello's shoulder
and he goes,
Hey.
I think I know this guy.
I know how we can get him sober.
So the captain has drawn,
needless to say,
quite a crowd.
Nice.
I'm going to start...
I'm going to start tinkering on this box.
Okay.
Go ahead and roll for tinker.
It's going to be a little desperate.
Or what's one below...
Because it's risky normally.
I would say it's desperate.
Because you have a time crunch here.
All right.
Pretty tight one.
Push yourself.
I would like to push myself.
Wait, then...
What am I taking on stress?
You'll take on two stress,
but you'll also get an additional roll.
Okay.
Die.
So I can...
That's the modifier plus 1D.
Yes.
And then don't you have like a...
Awesome skills?
Probably.
You probably have a lockpicking kit.
Well, I have...
I think I have a standard load,
but...
Um...
Yeah.
But I don't think you have...
Besides your finger guns,
I don't think you've, uh...
loaded anything yet.
No.
No, those...
They're registered weapons.
Uh...
Okay.
Sure.
So then, yes.
Tinkering tools.
I got those.
In my pockets.
All right.
So then it'll be plus 2.
Plus the one I already have,
or...
2 together.
All together.
2 all together.
Okay.
Plus 1 for pushing yourself,
if you still want to do that,
and then plus 1 for, uh...
Well, then whatever your...
Your tinkering is.
Yeah.
Right.
On top of your tinker.
All right.
I mean, it's automatically calculating that,
so...
All right.
Holy shit.
Only partial.
Partial.
Uh, you...
Tell me how you tinker this glass case.
Uh, the lock is not particularly,
uh...
Like, it's not magical or anything like that.
Okay.
Uh, was it difficult for me?
Uh, yeah.
I think...
I think maybe the stress and the timing of it
made you a little fumbly.
All right.
Well, I'm looking over my shoulder the entire time
watching Captain just finger gun from left to right
talking about various fishes.
marlins, whales, seals, crustaceans,
just all manner of wildlife
that he may or may not have fallen in love or lust with.
Yeah.
Or mistaking them for various merpeople.
And, um...
I'm fumbling around.
It's not immediately clear that...
How to do this
because it's just, like,
such a fancy lock.
And I look over at Squish
and he's sweating, I think.
Or...
I don't know.
Squish?
Yeah.
I'm just watching you fumble with it.
Okay.
Uh...
But I feel an immense amount of pressure.
Like rubbing my forehead
to get rid of the sweat.
Yeah.
And I'm dabbing sweat off of my forehead, too,
with my tie.
And I just keep going
and eventually it pops open,
to my surprise.
I wasn't even expecting it to open
at the time it opened,
but it does pop open.
And...
Who has the fake?
I do.
Okay.
Uh...
Unfortunately.
I motion over for you.
All right.
I walk over and I try...
I place it in the...
the...
the container.
All right.
And I slam it closed
and I look over at the captain
who's eyeing me
over the shoulders
of everybody he's talking to
while he's telling
just poppycock stories
and I give him two big...
As soon as you finish
putting the fake in there
and you're locking,
you're giving him finger guns,
you can hear
from somewhere in the house
some chimes like,
do do do do do do do do do do do.
It is one hour has passed
and the fake,
or the real one
is about to be brought out.
I still don't know
what we're going to do
after this squish.
I feel like we're...
uh...
flying by the seat
of our pants here.
Yeah, that's...
that's our MO.
Um...
All right.
I have an idea.
What's your idea?
My idea is perhaps
we can get the expert
to declare ours
the real one.
But he doesn't...
That's not what we want.
Well, I thought we wanted
to sell the fake one.
No, we want...
we want it to be known
after it's sold,
the expert's going to come in
and tell everyone it's fake.
Oh, to embarrass them.
Yes.
Right.
So that's going to be
not great.
No, so...
we have to steal
the real one somehow
and the confusion.
Does anyone have
a smoke bomb?
Let me check
my load out.
Does anybody have
any chili powder?
What about human hair
from a baby?
Ah, yes.
The most flammable hair
of all.
Is that true?
That's why they put
those little caps on them.
On the babies?
On the babies.
Yeah, you see babies
they always put hats on them.
Oh.
No.
It's because their hair
is so flammable.
I've never seen a baby.
What?
Are you talking as chuckles
or as yourself now?
Is this in or out of character?
Sometimes it's hard to know.
No.
All right.
I'm starting to slowly walk
towards the door
and the captain.
Squish, what are you doing?
I'm going to hang out
by the back table, so...
Okay.
But, like, I'm going to walk away
so it doesn't look like
I was the last one
by the...
Right.
Real casual, like.
Yeah.
I'm standing on this detritus now.
Kind of, like, just...
Like, doing this.
Like, even though I'm talking,
like, telling a story.
Like, I'm conducting an orchestra.
Captain.
Yes?
This is me.
Char...
Juckles.
Your...
Boy.
What am I?
Your cabin boy.
Ah, my cabin boy.
Yes.
This is the lad
I was telling you about.
Yes, yes.
Charles Xander Juckles.
Right.
He's my cabin boy.
I'm so proud of him.
This is the one
that actually landed
the mermaid.
We have places to be,
and I'm trying to get you out,
like when a...
When, like, a politician's assistant
is trying to get them
out of the place.
You know?
We have places to be.
All right.
We have got to go,
my friends.
My fellow friends and audience.
You have been a great one.
What a crowd.
I couldn't ask for a better one.
Vote for me in the...
In the voting season.
Whatever that means.
What are we doing?
Am I running for election?
No.
I'm doing something.
No.
You...
All right.
Let's just go.
I'm...
Look for me in the funny.
Please.
As you turn and go down the hallway,
you see Watt and two men behind him.
These are two guards,
and between the two of them,
they are holding a little box
on their own little glass case
with the lion inside.
Is there anybody else in this room?
No.
Everyone has either
backed away from this strange screaming man
or they're inexplicably drawn to him.
So everyone...
The hallway itself is empty.
All right.
I need to make a desperate move,
I think.
All right.
I'm going to punch one of them
and give him a real low blow.
One of the...
The person that looks like
they have the most control over the egg
or lion,
whatever the fuck it is.
I don't know.
I think that's a lie.
You're just going to go with...
Punch one of them?
I want to do like one of those old tricks
where I do that...
Where I shake my hand
and they look up into your hand
and I just punch him right in the nuts.
All right.
Captain,
what are you going to do
while he goes and punches the guard?
I'm going to grab...
Oh, shit.
Fire.
Oh, no.
They're rabid.
They're exploding.
Sorry.
It spooked me.
Um...
I'm honestly...
Maybe we should take a quick break
before we continue.
Maybe you should close that damn window.
It's been nothing but distractions.
I just need to run
and get something to drink.
If you want to take a quick break.
Okay.
honoring this decided in a studio
in a studio
I'm sorry.
Really, Brandon and Andy are the glue that hold this group together.
Do you think they're with each other right now?
No.
That'd be ridiculous.
But what if they were?
But sometimes you and Boo are with each other.
That's true.
Sometimes.
That's true.
Sometimes.
Oh, man.
How will they get out of this one?
Yeah.
You'll see.
Throat crunch was not in my potentialities list.
Do you have a potentialities list?
No.
I try to think.
I was going to say, you're a way better DM than me.
I try to think what you might do, but every once in a while, throat punch just sleeps through the clocks.
No, it's nut punch.
Oh, nut punch.
I have an idea for a flashback when everyone gets back, if I may.
Oh, of course.
Never the matter.
What is that?
Is that Harry Potter?
No, it's from this parody someone made of the new Velma TV show.
Have you watched it?
No, I've watched the parody a lot, though.
So.
Oh, I've seen the trailer and I felt like that was enough.
Yeah, I'm a big fan of Scooby Doo.
I really like a lot of it.
And it seems like Velma doesn't really like it as much.
And he does too.
Like the show.
Oh, they're making fun of it and not in a good way.
Yeah, but not in like a ha ha, isn't this a little archaic and funny, but more of like a mean spirited way.
What is this?
I don't like her ever.
Mindy Kaling.
Oh, I don't like her either.
Yeah.
So I refuse to watch it as soon as I knew she was involved.
Watch that video that, uh, did we send you that video?
The scary one?
The parody?
Yeah, where it's like...
Yeah.
Ugh.
Never the matter.
I just...
Yeah, that one's a good one.
Watch it.
It's pretty, uh, it's pretty eldritch.
I like eldritch.
Are you smoking?
In my house?
Without my consent?
He just saw a rabbit explode.
Yeah, cut the man.
He's got PTSD.
And I started dying because it scared me.
I inhaled my spit.
Explode now?
I'm gonna explode.
All right.
So what was I doing?
Um, someone was grabbing something, um, before the fireworks happened.
Who are you punching in the dick?
All right.
So I have a flashback.
Uh, you said that they're like, there's two guards and between them they're carrying this
big artifact.
And the water guy.
They're carrying a box with the artifact in it.
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, I'd like to go in a flashback to when, uh, we're all in the junk fort and it's nighttime
and, uh, we're all just laying in our various sleeping corners.
And I ask if anybody's awake and everyone is awake and we stand around the hole, like it's
a campfire and we talk about like just stories.
And I tell this story about like when I was a kid and I was in this situation in which, um,
I was feeling very desperate and these two kids were holding my lunchbox and they were keeping
it away from me.
And then I just started punching nuts.
But when I retold the story, I had like this very unique and like, I don't know, what do
you call it?
Like, like violence in my eyes that you could see.
And you're, you, and I think, uh, Captain, you saw that look of desperation and violence
in my eyes right before I walk up to these people.
So you know what I'm about to do, which is just go nut hunting.
He's got that look in his eye.
Exactly.
Everybody run!
No, don't tell them to run!
I mean, I don't know what you do, but you know that I am backed into a corner.
I am desperate.
I'm going to punch these people in the nuts.
Uh, cause we do have to, we're stealing it.
Right?
You, you do have to do something with that other, uh, that other artifact.
It has to disappear.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
All right.
I think I've got a plan.
Well, you're in the other room though.
Yeah.
And I'm about to go nut hunting.
I hear, I hear Captain yell, he's got that look.
And I start, I start, I start walking, or well, running out to see the nut hunt commence.
All right.
Uh, what walks, walk, what, sorry, is oblivious to your nut hunting rage.
And he just, uh, walks up to you guys and he's like, hello.
Uh, the artifact is here at last.
Uh, we're just going to go put it in the, uh, in the ball room or the, uh, study.
He doesn't know how they're talking.
He doesn't know how they're talking and I just
jack him in the nuts.
So he just says ballroom.
I just imagine ballroom blitz!
Ballroom blitz!
Alright, you knock what?
Is that what you'd like to do?
I'm out of laws, but yes,
I had that look in my eyes. He warned him.
Okay.
You have to roll a wreck.
You have to wreck his balls.
I don't know how I could help you in this.
Is that what you're saying to them or
everywhere to us?
Well, I think about it. I think it.
I'm telling you two.
Here.
I wish I could help you punch this guy in the nuts.
Oh, he's got that look in his eyes.
Punch the owner of the house.
The host of the party.
In the nuts.
Alright.
I don't know if this is a great idea.
Does he have to roll?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, he does.
If you want to punch him in the nuts, you can wreck him.
Or you can come up with something else to do in your blood rage.
My nut rage.
And I am going to stress myself.
I feel like I don't really have a choice at this point.
Yeah, it's a desperate maneuver.
This is pretty risky.
Pretty desperate.
I'm going to start walking towards the two carry in the box.
Alright.
You wail on this poor guy.
You get him right in the graham crackers.
He doesn't even think.
He just crumples to the ground.
And the two guards just stop.
Just dead.
Just because they've never seen someone get punched in the nuts.
Quite so hard.
I got two more where that came from.
You lad's about to run.
He's on a rampage.
He's running.
And I start like a bear.
I go, oh my god, what a maniac.
And I look at the two guards.
I'm like, you have to get him.
And one of you has to get him.
One of you has to help Watt out.
The guards don't really know what to do.
So one of them hands the box to the other one.
And he rushes over to Watt.
And is like struggling to get Watt to stand.
Who is just completely like crumpled in pain at this point.
His eyes are completely crossed.
Just completely.
He can't.
He can't think.
He can't breathe.
And he just kind of has his hand over Watt.
And he's kind of like.
As Watt's limping.
You know.
Upstairs.
He manages to take him upstairs.
He's still in the room.
I want to.
Well.
I want to sway the other.
The other guard.
The guard holding the box set.
Give me the box.
I'll take it into the room.
Everything will be fine.
You have to go look after.
Or.
You have to go.
Get the.
The guy that assaulted him.
That's me.
And you're going to try to sway him.
Convince him.
Yeah.
I pretend to grab Chuckles.
Like I'm holding him back.
Like I'm.
You know.
Stand here, man.
What are you doing?
So are you going to assist him.
By making him look real scary?
Yeah.
And Chuckles.
Chuckles.
When he gets.
When that guard gets close.
Whale at him.
Whale on those duds.
Okay.
Swish.
I'll give you a.
Plus one from Brandon.
For.
For his assistance.
And try to sway him.
All right.
I'm going to push myself too.
All right.
Make sure when you're pushing.
You're giving yourself one stress.
I know you don't have to take stress normally.
But.
Yeah.
No.
I don't take injury.
Oh.
That's right.
You don't take injury.
I've been.
I've been giving myself to stress.
Okay.
Perfect.
It's good to be.
Risky.
Yeah.
Risky.
I mean.
This guy just saw someone get like.
Knocked out.
Punch in the nuts.
I think it's pretty.
Risky.
He gives you.
He.
He gives you.
The box.
And he starts to kind of.
Walk.
He.
He follows the other guard.
Who's struggling to help Watt upstairs.
Because Watt has just become stiff as a board.
At this point.
He is.
Incapacitated.
All right.
I take the box.
I start walking it towards the.
Ball room.
Right.
Oh wait.
You didn't say that out loud.
I was going to.
I was going to say Watt.
So.
Don't say that word.
I'm just going to take this to the ball room now.
The ball room.
All right.
And then I walk it up to the table.
But.
I go behind the table.
And then I set the thing on the ground.
And.
I'm going to break the glass.
And take it.
Into your.
Inside the ball room or.
Inside the ball room.
I'm going to.
I'm going to bring the.
The real.
Lion out there.
Okay.
Set it.
I'm going to.
Set it on the ground.
And I'm going to break the glass.
And take the real line.
Okay.
I mean.
It's just glass.
I don't think you need to roll.
Anything special for that.
You definitely are.
Able to take it.
But he doesn't have any toes.
In my hat.
He puts it in your hat.
When you put it in your hat.
You hear.
A little voice.
Just go.
Hello.
What the fuck.
Hello.
Oh no.
This thing is cursed.
I'm hearing voices now.
Do we need a refresher.
On what it looks like.
It is cursed.
Oh shoot.
I forgot what it looks like.
That is a cursed lion.
Hello.
All right.
So you break the glass.
You steal the lion.
Everyone's kind of gathered.
Into the ballroom.
At this point.
Because now the crowning joy.
Is on display.
And everyone starts to go.
And look at it.
People are filtering in.
And out of the room.
There's supposed to be another hour.
Before the audition.
Or the audition.
The auction takes place.
What would you guys.
Like to do for an hour.
Well.
I feel.
I feel like the guards.
Are still coming after me.
They're going to help.
Wad upstairs.
But you have a few minutes.
Oh.
None of them are.
Coming after me.
No.
They were too.
I don't.
They did not.
Hear what happened.
In the hallway.
Because.
Surprisingly.
Punching a guy.
In the nuts.
Doesn't make a lot of noise.
So I've been holding.
I've been holding this guy.
For 10 minutes.
For nothing.
Oh.
I thought they saw me.
I thought Wad was like.
Right in front of him.
And everybody saw me.
Just.
Wail on this guy's.
Tallywhacker.
No.
So.
Everyone was in the.
It was either.
Out.
In the.
Drawing room.
Or in the.
Ball roof.
And Wad was coming down.
To bring the.
The lion.
Into the ball room.
Oh.
But they hadn't done that yet.
Oh.
I thought I was.
Okay.
All right.
Because I would have.
I would.
I think in that case.
I would have just hit the guards.
But.
I guess I.
Wailed on.
But you didn't.
Yes.
I did.
Not rage.
Captain.
I don't know what came over me.
I don't know either.
It was definitely.
Something.
Yeah.
That was a little.
Nuts.
Yeah.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
All right.
I.
I don't.
Remember.
We don't need.
To.
Oh.
I.
Don't know if we need to be here.
We just need that guy.
To.
I guess.
Yeah.
We got it.
Yeah.
We got.
We need that guy.
To.
Not.
I mean.
He's already drunk.
So.
Squish might have to slap him.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'll slap that guy.
Slap him.
Slap him sober.
But.
I think.
Me.
And the captain.
We'll start going out.
To the break area.
And see if we can't find.
Some cigarettes to drink.
Gang cigarettes.
All right.
You could.
Captain.
You're going outside too?
Yep.
I could use some sobering cigarettes.
It's been.
Turn's follow is.
Sorry.
No.
Go ahead.
I was just going to say.
Turn's follow is in the.
Is in the ballroom.
He's overlooking all the.
The pieces.
And he's kind of.
You know.
Bringing his glasses down.
And squinting at them.
And putting them back up.
You know.
Just.
You can't quite tell if he's.
He's stumbling for sure.
All right.
So.
I asked him.
I'm like.
Are you.
Okay.
To.
Tell everyone that that one's a fake.
Like.
I whisper it to him.
Fake.
I don't think any of these things are fake.
I course can do my job.
What do you think I am?
I'm not some.
Surly pirate.
Fornicating with fish.
Uh.
You know.
I.
I'm perfectly.
Perfectly.
And he.
He.
As he says this.
He's blowing.
A whiskey breath.
An onion breath.
Because you gave him an onion soup earlier.
Uh.
Into his.
Into your nostrils.
I'm perfectly fine.
Oh boy.
Oh.
You need to sober up a little bit.
I'm.
I.
I've never heard such a preposterous thing.
In my life.
I'm going to slap him in the face.
Wreck his face.
Right.
Wreck his face.
No.
Fail.
Uh.
You slap him.
But this does get the attention.
Of the guards.
And uh.
They're like.
Is there a problem here.
Sir.
Yeah.
This guy.
Is being a.
Jerk.
He's blowing onion.
He's blowing onion whiskey in my face.
And they.
They.
Uh.
They look at turn swallow.
Who's you know.
You know.
Very wobbly.
And kind of.
You know.
Uh.
And they take.
Uh.
They take him.
By each arm.
And they say.
Let's go.
And they.
Lead him to the front of the house.
Open the door.
And proceed to throw him out.
But he's the expert.
Yeah.
Well.
We don't fuck that up.
Everything was going so smoothly before.
Yes.
Oh.
Turn swallow is.
Is.
Out on the front porch.
Boop.
There he goes.
I'm sure he's got.
I'm sure he's got it under control.
Captain.
I'm sure.
It's easy sailing on the way out.
Oh yeah.
Everything's going to be.
This is a fucking mission.
Done so well.
I stick my head out.
I stick my head out the door.
And go.
Guys.
It's fucked up.
What do you mean?
It's fucked up.
Turn swallow just got kicked out.
Uh.
What?
That's not good.
We needed him.
No.
Yes.
Did you get his glasses.
No.
Why would I get his glasses?
I don't know.
But I thought maybe it would work as a disguise.
Why don't.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Why don't one of us pretend to be turn swallow.
And we'll authenticate it ourselves.
Although I feel like we.
Each have quite a high profile at this point.
I mean.
One of us is red.
What?
My touch?
Arguably.
The red ones caused the least amount of damage.
One of you wailed on a guy and is nuts.
And the other one knocked down a whole bookcase in the library.
And told very invigorating stories.
Some of which may have been true.
I'm sure some of them had to be.
Wait.
This guy in the library.
Yeah.
He looks smart.
Oh wait.
So the lion is a Ruvian?
Yes.
And these two people are a Ruvian?
Yes.
Okay.
I want to go talk to the girl.
All right.
I said we just.
Amelia.
I said we just take this thing and run.
So Squish.
Squish was just talking to himself.
And then he disappeared.
And.
Chuckle and the captain just kind of look at each other.
Do you know what he was talking about?
He said everything was fucked.
I don't know what that means.
But.
Let's take the lion and get the fuck out of here.
Can't be good.
He has the lion in his hat.
I think.
Oh my God.
We need to get that lion.
And I pass.
He can tell us how to get out of here.
Hey.
Hey lion.
I want to talk to the lion.
Do you have a name?
If I told you.
I'd be lion.
Oh.
Wait.
No.
Now we got two.
Oh no.
I don't need a punny bastard.
No.
How can I convince everyone that this.
That the.
The other lion is fake.
Like is there some sort of tell?
Well.
If you.
Had an authenticator.
You could do that.
Yeah.
He.
He's not here.
He got drunk and onioned.
Have you considered.
Pursuing.
A degree.
In a ruby in history.
And becoming an authenticator yourself.
No.
But on that note.
Do you know where I can become a diplomat?
Oh.
I think you have to be of some.
High political standing first.
Or.
There's no.
You have to be rich.
So there's no like community college for that.
Oh.
I.
I haven't gone to university in such a long time.
Oh.
Okay.
Well.
Anyway.
Back on target.
Is there like.
Something only you have.
That the.
The fake wouldn't.
The fake one can't talk.
That is true.
I.
And then I start screaming.
I demand to know.
If this thing is real.
I want to hear it talk.
So you call attention to yourself.
Like do you hit like a glass.
And say.
Everyone look at me.
No.
I just scream really loud.
And I point at the.
The fake one.
Wait you.
Don't you think you should pass out the real one to us first.
Before you go in screaming at the other one's face.
Hammer.
Don't you wait.
I can't trust you.
I think we have to wait till they auction it.
Because they have to buy the auction.
They have to buy it first.
And then we embarrass them.
Oh.
Right.
So.
I mean.
You could just sit there for an hour.
Yeah.
I go.
I go back to the bathroom.
Just talk to the lion a little bit.
For an hour.
Some quality time with the lion.
Yeah.
We don't have to go through.
We don't have to play it out.
Okay.
You're just asking it questions about itself.
There will be flashbacks to this in the future.
Perfect.
Squish.
Captain.
Anything you guys want to do.
While you're chilling out for.
I feel like.
We were super confused.
And also.
We're all hopped up on cigarettes.
We start.
Stitching our clothes together.
Just in case.
We need a long trench coat.
I mean.
Except for my frock coat.
Oh.
What were we stitching together before?
I think it was pieces of carpet.
It was curtains.
Carpet or draper.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Wasn't it Dee Dee's bed?
No.
Yeah.
Covered in hair.
Dee Dee sleeping on the floor tonight.
There's no way.
We don't need this later.
Just in case.
Right.
Captain.
So.
What are we doing?
Well.
I was just saying.
We were hopped up on cigarettes.
And we started.
We started back on our original plan.
To make a really long.
Trench coat.
So.
Who's going on top?
We're very.
Very proud of ourselves.
And.
Yes.
You say.
Who's getting on top?
All right.
Chuckles.
You're shorter.
Get on top.
And I grab.
I grab you.
And just throw you up on my shoulders.
Hey.
Get that trench coat on.
And.
You know.
Here.
I don't know.
Comb your hair to the other side.
They'll never notice.
And put on some.
And put on some glasses.
We're Clark Kenton in this thing.
We don't have glasses.
Oh.
Give me your patch.
There you go.
All right.
Let's wait until we're called upon though.
All right.
So we start walking in.
No.
I guess I'm not the legs.
We're not going in.
I'm hitting you on the head.
No.
What are we doing out here?
Just wait.
We're waiting for Squish's signal.
Just take us over by the window.
We'll watch from the window.
All right.
I'm going to walk by the window.
This is really, really tall guy.
In a trench coat.
Standing outside of the window.
Ignore me.
With an eye patch.
Definitely not a pervert.
I turn.
I see you stand outside.
I open up where his crotch should be and stick my head out.
So you guys just kind of waiting for the time to run out until the auction starts?
Yes.
Okay.
We're just going to go ahead then and just jump straight forward to the start of the auction.
An hour has passed since you wailed on poor Watts' balls.
He has not come back.
The guards have come back, but they are looking for you and not a very tall man in a frock standing outside.
So they're a little lost.
The eye patch threw him off.
The eye patch did throw him off.
Lady Everathi, the lady you met before, chuckles.
Kind of comes up to the front of the room and she goes, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
Our host is indisposed.
So I will be hosting the auction tonight.
Loathe as I am to lose my opportunity to bid on this thing.
If everyone is gathered.
One coin.
Sir, the auction hasn't started quite yet.
Is everybody.
Coins.
Keep up the good spirit.
Are you guys still going to stand outside?
Are you coming in?
No, we're not.
Oh, we're coming in.
What?
I start moving.
We're not going in.
We are not going in.
I'm very drunk.
We're like wobbling around.
I thought you sobered up.
I'm trying to slap you again.
I'm going to smack your head against the top of the doorframe as we go in.
Ow.
So the bidding starts in earnest.
Um, did I hear two coins?
Three coins.
All right.
Somebody from the other room calls back.
Uh, I'll do 3000.
Oh, shit.
I am out.
Uh, why are we bidding?
Are you two?
Are you two planning on bidding?
Uh, no.
I think what we should do is we should barge in the warm room and claim that that is a fake.
So that Squish can get out as quickly as possible in the confusion.
Or, or, or I make the winning bid.
With how much money?
What money do you have?
You just said 30.
So I'm going to be like, well, I need to be proven it's real.
Yeah, but do you have that much money?
No.
God, no.
She just spent $3,000.
This house has a dungeon.
Yeah, but if I, if I, if I win it, I then demand it to be real and it's fake.
Then they must.
Then I don't have to pay, right?
What if we just, why don't we just cut to the chase and be like, I call that a fake.
Confusion is caused.
And then you run away and we'll jump out the window.
Well, one of us will.
The other one will hit the cell.
Well, it doesn't, it has to be sold first, right?
I mean, somebody has to buy it, but I, presumably everybody in this room wants to buy it.
Or at least one person does.
So why don't we just watch till it sells to anybody and then accuse that it's fake?
Yes.
That.
I am out.
I am out at 3,000.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just saying you don't have 3,000.
I know.
I'm saying I'm out at the auction.
Yeah.
Where's your card?
It only says talking IRL and narrating.
So I don't have an in-character one.
I'm not a character?
I'm a character.
Well, the bidding quickly goes above your taste level.
It goes up to 5,000, 10, 15, 20,000.
Lady Amoria is, bids at 15,000 and she's counted out quickly and she's pretty pissed.
You can tell she's just real flustered by this.
And she walks over to you, squish, because she realizes you're not, no longer in the bidding
as well as the bidding continues.
And she goes, can you believe this?
$30,000 for this thing?
Yeah.
I don't even think it's real.
Oh, it's absolutely real.
It has to be real.
I mean, who would bid that much money on a fake object?
Well, they don't know it's fake.
I mean, I don't know it's fake, but it doesn't.
Is it our time to go in?
No.
Not yet.
All right.
You can tell me when.
I'm going to start running.
Okay.
Into the room.
We're going to scream it's a fake.
Yeah.
Because we're looking through the window.
You can't see through the window, but I can.
No.
The bidding continues.
It goes up to $50,000, $60,000.
And then finally at $75,000, the bidding stops.
And it is sold to, give me one sec.
Madam Teslin, the brothel owner from earlier, $75,000.
She gets it.
Sold to the.
So I walk over and I knock on the window.
What's that?
Hootie who.
As you knock on the window.
Oh, that's the sign.
I start running.
We're running.
Before, as you run into the room, Captain, but before you can say anything,
Lady Amaria goes to the front of the room and she goes,
I am incredibly sorry to do this to you.
And she pulls it out.
Out of her handbag, a real gun and points it at the rest of the group,
including squish and including the extra tall man in the back of the room.
After he hit his head on the door.
On the way.
Yeah.
After all these been through.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't want to have to tell you this.
Either I go home with that.
What's going on?
Or I'm blowing up this entire building with everybody inside of it.
With bombs?
Uh oh.
Yeah.
So why do you have the gun?
To make sure nobody finds the bombs.
That's a pretty good argument.
That's why you didn't want me to check out the other room.
And that's why you didn't think I was cute.
That's why you had a gun shaped thing in your pocket.
That's what that was.
I thought it was a penis.
I thought you were a man.
I want my money back.
Wait.
What does she want?
What do you want again?
She wants the lion.
The lion?
She has the lion.
No.
She didn't win it.
No.
Different person.
Prostitute won it.
Right.
The one that turned you down.
But that's not the one that's holding.
Lady Amoria is holding everyone up.
Oh.
Okay.
That was the one that went down in the basement with Squish.
Oh.
Right.
So.
Oh.
I see.
Well.
Lady Tartoria.
Why don't you just give her the lion?
Please.
I do not want to be blown up.
Yeah.
Lady Tesslin.
Give Lady Amorian the lion.
Please.
For the sake of us.
Absolutely not.
Well.
You hear her yell.
Well.
Sounds like that's the end of that argument.
I have another.
The guards are slowly approaching Lady Amoria.
But she waves the gun at them.
She goes.
If I don't say a particular word.
At a particular time.
Everyone in this house.
Will blow up.
Sunflower.
Is that the word?
Shovel.
No.
It is not the word.
Pantalone.
Discombobulate.
Rosebud.
Anti-disacrifice.
Terry.
I can't say it.
What the hell you say?
Chuckles.
You take it.
Dandelion.
Daffodil.
Tulip.
Flower.
As you guys are saying the word.
She keeps just moving the gun.
Between the three of you.
No.
Well.
She doesn't know.
I mean.
She doesn't know.
I'm in this pants.
Hey.
Your crotch.
Yes.
Lady Amoria.
Check that out.
See if it's a fake.
And she looks and she goes.
It's behind a glass.
You have a gun.
Shoot the case.
I will not let any damage.
Come to this piece.
You think.
You think that's how we treat.
Our.
Precious historical artifacts.
Is we just treat them to be bought.
And sold.
And shot at.
Okay.
If you don't get it.
You're going to blow it up.
Better to be blown up.
Than in the hands.
Of some.
Snooty aristocrat.
Who's only here.
So she can throw money around.
And show everybody.
How.
How impressive she is.
Do you even know.
Who this woman is.
No.
Really.
She looks like a hooker though.
Yeah.
She's.
The hooker.
She's the head.
Of the brothel.
I know.
That's right.
She.
She allows.
Women.
To be sexually exploited.
For her own gain.
And then she uses it.
To buy hard good.
Hard good.
Hard earned.
Historical artifacts.
I am not putting up with this.
For a second longer.
I knew she looked familiar.
Does anyone have the key.
To the lock.
Or to the case.
The one I saw in the parking lot earlier.
Yeah.
I saw her upstairs.
That's the one I saw upstairs.
The one you slept with?
She's so into me.
It's probably because of the onions.
That's what I said.
Does anyone have the key?
To what?
What does?
Oh.
Oh boy.
Oh.
Oof.
He's not going to come down anytime soon.
Yeah.
And a couple other things aren't coming down either.
I don't think he's going to come down.
Especially if he finds out his guests are being held up by gunpoint.
And his house is about to be blown up.
I wouldn't come downstairs either.
I'd just stay in bed.
I don't know.
Well.
I see.
Should we go up and get him, Juggles?
We'll go up and get what?
You guys.
You guys handle this thing out.
And we'll go out and get what?
Juggles.
We're getting out of here.
We're going to go and get what?
No.
We're going to go out the door.
Wait.
All of this is coming from my crotch.
And as you said, we're going to go get what?
Two of the four guards that are in the room.
Kind of go and point their swords at you.
By the way, Amoria says.
Definitely some of these guards are my own.
At least those two are.
So if you're going to go anywhere, they're going to make sure that you follow you and don't have any sort of funny business.
Yeah, right.
I.
All right.
Let's just get all.
Let's just be real here.
Let's all start being honest.
Let's let down our guard a little bit.
Let's start.
I think we got started off on the wrong foot.
And we need to get a dialogue.
I jump off.
I jump off of the captain's shoulders and say, all right.
We were two people the whole time.
Are you still wearing the extra long coat?
Yes.
You look like a toddler in his dad's clothing.
Exactly.
Yeah.
This whole time, I just felt terrible about it.
But, you know, sometimes things aren't what they appear.
And Juckles is trying to wink.
At who?
The crown.
But aren't you still wearing the eye patch?
Oh, right.
So I'm looking the wrong eye.
I'm like.
But sometimes things are not as what they appear.
Just keep that in mind.
Might want to.
Right.
Like, I convinced you that I was a high flute member of society.
When in truth, I am part of the truth seekers society.
Bastards.
We don't like them, right?
You know, they're Indiana Jones-esque.
Yeah, they're a bunch of nerds.
It belongs in a museum.
Can I get up to the box?
I claim I can open it.
You claim a lot of things.
Yeah.
Juckles, you can unlock it.
You've already done it.
Shh.
I, well, I mean, I whisper that to you.
Across the room?
Yes.
You're going to get a lot of talkies going to make this a little bit more plausible.
Yes.
So, is that, is that what Lady, I'm sorry, Trittoria?
Amoria?
No, the other one.
The one that starts with a T.
Teslan?
Teslan.
Is she waiting for someone to open the box?
Yeah.
I mean, she just bought it.
It hasn't left the vicinity yet.
Once she bought it, you know, there was a little bit of hoopla.
And then that's when Lady Amoria started her threats.
Now I have a solution for everyone.
I think everyone's going to love this.
I can probably open the box.
Let's just say I've been around a couple of blocks.
And then, how about we settle this with an old-fashioned Jello fight?
Jello wrestling match.
What do you say?
Lady Amoria?
Come on.
You look scrappy.
And Lady Trittoria?
Tristan?
You look also athletic.
Lady Teslan blushes, but she does not want to get rid of the piece she just spent $70,000 for.
All right.
Well, I'm going to open it anyway.
And, yeah, you guys will figure it out.
Whether it's Jello wrestling, mud wrestling, arm wrestling, I'm sure you will find a wrestling that fits you.
And, uh, can I try to open it in front of everyone?
Sure.
Can you get a bonus die for, uh, having already done it?
Yeah, I mean, you already opened one like this, so yeah, you can definitely do two.
He opened that one.
Oh, yeah.
It's still open.
Or, well, yeah, you already did it once.
So, yeah, you can get a bonus die.
All right.
You failed this one.
Oh, shit.
Creek.
Uh, you open up the, uh, the, uh, the, the case with no issues.
But Madam Teslan kind of, like, stares at you and just kind of gives you a mean look.
And any hope you had, uh, going to any of the brothels in the city is now completely gone.
Oh.
No.
Chuckle's never getting laid again.
Oh.
It's just going to be me and Uncle Frank.
What was that guy's name again?
Your hand?
No.
What was that guy's name?
The guy that gives you the cat food?
Yeah.
Uncle.
I don't know.
Maybe I just call him Uncle.
Uncle Frankfingers?
No, that's his first name.
It's Uncle.
Okay.
Uncle Fatfingers?
Is that what you said?
Uncle Frankfingers.
Uncle Fruncle.
You, uh, you open the glass case and you take it out the fake.
What do you do with it?
Um, I hold it up over my head like Zelda.
Or Link, I guess.
Ta-da-da!
Yeah.
This is the lion.
Under, uh, Squish's cat.
Yes.
And?
Uh, Squish, underneath your hat you go, hey, wait, that's not me.
Shh.
And I just pat my head.
Is there a name for the lion, just besides the lion?
We're all calling it the lion.
Uh, Aruvian lion.
It's just called an Aruvian lion.
Oh, okay.
Oh, but he doesn't go by a certain name?
Uh, no.
I'm calling him Ruby.
All right.
Ruby?
Ruby's groovy.
And I add it to the person with the gun.
Lady Amoria?
I mean...
She takes it.
She looks it over.
And, uh, slips it into her, to her handbag very, very carefully.
And she, uh, you know, shuts the clasp.
And then she has the, uh, the gun pointed still at you guys.
And she makes her way over around the edge of the room, pointing her gun at people as they walk past, you know, as she walks past them.
Uh, her two guards, who are actually, you know, uh, truth seekers in disguise, uh, follow her as they head out the door.
Hmm.
Is everyone just sitting here watching?
We're all, yeah, we're just looking at each other.
And I am at least a little, I mean, I'm, yes, I am a little buzzed from just sitting on the captain's head.
Uh, not in character.
I'm pretty sure we did not do this right.
But in character, I am very confused as to whether or not we did this right.
Yeah.
Uh, maybe?
She protects away.
I follow Amoria.
I mean, isn't the point of the game to kind of do it in unique ways and not the wrong way?
Well, we, uh, everyone's kind of following Lady Amoria guards and everything as they back out the door.
But, uh, as they open the door, uh, to the front of the manor, there is turned swallow.
And he points at the lion that Lady Amoria has.
Uh, she's not had in her purse.
She's been holding it.
She goes, it's a fake.
All right.
Well, while that's happening, we, I, Squish runs out the back, the servant's entrance.
All right, Squish is gone beyond the servant's entrance.
Captain?
And I look around and I'm like, where'd Squish go?
Uh, I don't.
And then I run in the same direction as Squish.
Are we all running?
So as the three of you run out, um, Lady Amoria, uh, ignores, uh, the, the, uh, turned swallow,
who's now just kind of passed out back in the yard.
Um, as you guys run down the street, you see the rest of the party guests streaming out
of the house yelling, uh, screaming, uh, they're trying to get the attention of the coppers.
And you guys make it just to the end of the street when there's a giant explosion and the
house goes off in smoke.
Oh shit.
She was serious.
No.
Whoa.
Good thing I got this bag of hair.
Hopefully nobody heard about how I am dead to the strippers or the brothels now.
Well, we don't know who got out.
This was quite the adventure for the Nuthunter Brigade.
The Nuthunter Brigade.
Well, you guys got out of there.
That's true.
We're not entirely sure we were successful and I am not looking forward to meeting Baz again,
but, uh, we gotta take the, no, we gotta take the lion back to the, uh, back to, back to
the home base and ask it questions.
Yes.
We are gonna interrogate the piss out of this thing.
Well, that's a good stopping point for tonight, I think.
Unless anybody else has anything they'd like to add.
Did everyone die in that party or just most of them?
Not us.
Most of the, most of the party goers did escape, uh, as soon as.
Watt probably died.
Lady turned swallow locked, yeah.
Watt was in the most fragile part of the house.
His balls.
Definitely not in the ballroom.
No.
Different ballroom.
Let's see if Watt survived.
We're just gonna do, uh.
Watt's gonna come back for revenge.
So is Aladdin.
Watt survived.
Oh my god!
Oh no.
We don't know how, but he's coming back.
This is gonna be a face he doesn't forget.
Yeah, no, yeah.
He's gonna come, he's coming for your nuts.
Nut revenge.
We'll see you next time.