Hail the Jump Fork boys, in the night they roam,
Sousing wolves with fire and cruel.
With a clash and a crash and a twist of fate,
Explosions mark the hours never late.
Okay, so there were some questions from last time about some stuff,
and I did some research.
So this is mostly for Squish.
So I know you wanted to master one of those elements.
So mastery, or elements, abilities, you're not the avatar.
There.
To master abilities, you as a crew have to decide.
That's like an upgrade your crew gets.
So you guys have to spend points on upgrading and getting a mastery ability
before you can do it.
And it's for XP points.
So you guys have two that you can use.
But otherwise, yeah, you Squish, you get your XP point back
if you want to.
You can't upgrade anymore.
Okay.
Whatever skill it was.
Because I know you used one to upgrade your Sway.
Yeah.
And then you got one for your ghost pet.
So you have one left over.
Okay.
Your ghost.
Yes.
And so ghost hunts.
Yeah.
So your pet gets a spirit energy.
And you can pick one of the following abilities.
Ghost form, mind link, or arrow swift.
Which basically means they can turn into a ghost.
You can have a supernatural, what is that, psychic link.
Or they can run real fast.
Oh, okay.
So you can pick one of those.
And then, yeah, they level up.
He and Dee Dee are definitely going to get mind link.
All right.
Oh, my God.
This is terrible.
Why?
I don't know.
Because all that lucky things about is cigarettes.
Yeah.
She's very addicted.
Well, no.
Then I don't have to tell her what to do.
Like, out loud.
I can just think about it, and she'll do it.
Well, she's not a puppet.
She's not a robot.
She has, like, free will, man.
Yeah.
If I tell her to do something, she will.
Not with mind control.
Oh, is it mind control, or is it, like, mind communication?
Mind link.
It's mind communication.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, yeah, you can't just make her do stuff.
No, but I can tell her, like, hey, what can you do, or ask her, can you do that for me?
No, it's going to be like in Captain Planet, where it's like, Dee Dee, I need your help.
Come!
I've never seen Captain Planet.
Wow.
He's our hero.
He's going to take pollution to zero.
I know sex stuff, either.
Captain Planet?
With Captain Planet or Dee Dee.
It's just not right.
Great.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
Let me pull this out.
Okay.
Yeah, so you got two crew upgrades.
I will try to remember to, like, upload them into the Discord next time.
I don't really have, like, a good image of all the different opportunities to upgrade your crew.
Okay.
I'll make sure you get that.
Because it's either you can upgrade, get an ability, an extra flame, so you can, like, get more.
Let's see.
Some of it is in Foundry, right?
Yeah, some of it is.
There's, like, Shadow.
It's just, I was, like, looking for, like, a list of, like, specifically for your guys' class.
And, like, in general.
And I just, I ran into a tough time.
And then I got upset and I quit.
So.
All right.
So we're Shadow.
You guys are Shadows.
Yeah.
Okay.
So if you click on, at least I can, but I'm a GM.
If you click on the Ball Blasters, you'll bring up the character sheet for the group.
Mm-hmm.
There's a Claims tab, which is the default.
Then there's an Upgrade tab.
Yeah.
And a little plus sign.
So there's a list of things that we can get here.
The ones that start with the next day chapter is from the Shadow, right?
Right.
And then there's upgrades you can just, like, all crews can get.
They're, like, general upgrades.
Looks like those are on the bottom because they don't have anything at the beginning.
Oh.
Yeah, because here's Mastery.
Your crew has access to Mastery-level training.
Yeah, that's four XP points.
But then we need four XP points.
And we only have two.
Yeah.
I want that Mastery, and I want it bad.
I want to be a Master Tinker.
Where?
Wait, where is that?
Mastery?
Yeah.
Or what?
The thing I'm looking at?
Yeah.
I clicked on the ball breakers.
Okay.
Then you see, like, underneath the box that has shadows in it, there's claims, upgrades, abilities.
Yeah.
Those are tabs.
So click on upgrade.
Okay.
Oh.
Okay, gotcha.
Then the plus sign in that black box that says crew upgrades.
And there's a list of all the different upgrades.
Yeah.
There's some good ones in here.
Thief rigging.
You get two free load worth of tool or gear items.
Well, we never use that anyway.
Okay.
You have easy passage through the underground canals, tunnels, and basements of the city.
That's useful on a boat.
Well, we don't.
There might be underground.
There might be tunnels in the boat.
Or does that not count as part of the city?
Yeah, sure.
Maybe there's certain passageways in the boat.
Yeah.
I mean, where does that great go?
I mean, we've just been stomping all our number twos in there, but maybe there's like,
I don't know.
A secret creek.
Tunnels in there.
Secret tunnel.
Carriage house.
You have a carriage, two goats, and a stable.
Horses are very rare in dust fall.
Most carriages in the city use large, ecrows and goat as their draft animal.
Well, that's good to know.
It's a big-ass goat.
I mean, if it's pulling a cart like a horse, it's a pretty big goat.
Well, it has a pretty small carriages.
Or a small carriage.
That's true.
It's just a wreck shop.
Whoa, barge.
Add mobility to your lair.
We didn't upgrade to that.
We just got a barge.
No, but you did get a boathouse.
Well, do we have it anymore?
Well, you have a large boat.
That also works as a house.
Well, that's in dispute.
Sounds like.
Seems like.
All right.
Do you see anything there?
You guys are particularly...
No, I kind of want to save up for the mastery.
You want to save up for mastery?
That's what I want to do.
Kind of.
Oh, we do have a boathouse.
That good with you, Brandon?
Patches.
Oh, sorry.
Is that good for you, Patches?
Yar.
Okay.
All right.
Does Yar mean yes or no?
Yar?
Yar.
Yar?
Cool.
Do we still have the laboratory?
Yes.
And the laboratory.
That kind of neat.
That kind of eaten by the whale.
You are so lucky in that the captain actually has room for a laboratory and some beginner laboratory.
items on deck.
Wow.
We didn't go there the other day, but you do have one.
Well, that's lucky for T'Juckles.
T'D is silent.
Quit pronouncing it.
Bitch.
Oh.
Do you know what a terrible word is?
Is Q.
Q-U-E-U-E.
All the letters except for the Q are silent.
My mom got Netflix and she used it by herself.
It was after we moved out.
So she just used it and she had never said the word Q out loud.
And when she said it to us, she said it, she said it, Q-U-O-O.
Just like, not a bad pronunciation.
Q-U-O.
It kind of looks like my Q-U-E.
Q-U-E.
All right.
Great.
Hey, that looks really nice.
That's from Chachi P.T.
One time I told a girl, like she was talking about how she saw Django Unchained and I told
her the D is silent and it kind of made things awkward.
So she hadn't seen the movie.
Well, it made me look like a real like, you know, actually, actually, it's pronounced Django.
Actually, you're trying to tell me something.
It's pronounced Juggles.
I'm winking at you, Tiger.
See?
Hmm.
Uh, no, look, I can't.
Because I'm wearing a patch and I patch.
Yeah.
Patches and patches.
And I'm wearing a patch shirt.
That's so many layers.
Gray frock.
The right color.
It's the interior of my coat.
Actually, the red frock was the interior of my coat.
This is my real coat.
Yeah.
Didn't you just like flip it inside out?
Yeah.
It's like that.
It's like when Jerry had that.
It's very Seinfeld had that coat.
And stripes.
Yeah.
It was like that, but it was all red.
Now, you really bulked up this token.
You look like, you know, pretty broad shouldered.
The jacket hit a lot.
That's, uh, that's, uh, the lion.
I took it from, I took it from Bruce.
Uh, from, uh, Batman, the animated series.
That's, uh, his care.
When he's playing, uh, a character called Bruce Wayne goes out in the public and he puts on
a little mustache.
He's called matches.
No, I would have gotten that.
Well, that's why I explained it.
You're that.
Well, actually guy again, this is how you make things awkward.
Do I.
All right.
Uh, so, uh, patches.
I know you use XP points.
Uh, we did that before the game.
Uh, so chuckles.
You still have a three and then squish.
You have one.
If you want to assign them or you can do it next time.
Did you assign it for me or did I have to do it?
You're supposed to do it.
Okay.
I did not do it.
What did you do?
Okay.
Oh, we just looked over.
And then, um, I getting rid of like concussed and stress from failed jump and mental shock.
Yeah.
All your, all your stress and your healing, you guys should be back to a level.
Level zero for stress too.
Get out of here.
Electrical arm.
Ooh.
So in order to add an ability, oh, it says right here what, what it costs.
So this is one XP.
And to upgrade my, like any one of these, what are they called?
Not abilities.
What are these other things?
Prowess, resolve.
They're your actions.
Yes.
To upgrade these, how much does it cost?
One.
Okay.
And I have three points.
You do.
Where's that marked?
Uh, I don't know where it's marked, but that's what I told you at the beginning of last time.
Or ending.
Hell yes.
I'm going to up my Prowl.
Is your tinker already maxed out?
Yeah.
That's why we need mastery.
So I can tinker more.
And I want this saboteur.
It says, when you wreck, the work is much quieter than it should be and the damage is hidden from casual inspection.
Well, nice.
That'd be really good because you do like to wreck shit.
And you're pretty good at it.
I want to wreck fucking nuts.
I'm trying to see what hunt does.
Like what I would use hunt for.
Let's see.
I think hunt is for like following things at a long distance or being able to shoot from a long distance.
It's more of like a sniper action rather than a close and personal.
Oh, okay.
Well, then I'm going to take my last one for hunt and get hunt all the way up to level three.
I think I already had Compel.
I'm going to look, but I think I already had Compel.
You think you had Compel?
Yeah, well, I thought you did too.
I had it filled in on my paper.
So it leads me to...
So did you not?
You didn't add it?
Well, that sounds like me.
That tracks.
All right.
Well, then you can add one more.
I need your help, buddy.
Well, you got it anyway, pal.
You got one more XP then.
I was going to put it on Sway.
You already...
So...
Okay.
Is that okay?
Yeah, no.
I've got three in Sway.
If it helps deter what you want to get.
I just don't know where I put...
So like I'm not putting any more into Tinker because Juggles has Tinker.
But it's up to you.
I'm going to put a little bit just so I can lie a little bit more.
You are.
You do try that pretty often.
It doesn't often work well.
That could be why I have to add Sway.
I put so much junk in my notes.
Punched in my nose by Marlena's brother.
Said I look different.
It's Marlena.
I don't know.
Who even is Marlena?
I know.
That's a character I made.
I don't even know who that is.
Use X Monkina.
Oh, that's good.
That's clever.
Oh, wow.
I do have the most rank of everyone.
Yeah.
You're a wild card.
Or not really.
You're just a wrecking ball, I guess.
It's not wild.
You know exactly what he's going to do.
He's going to wreck it.
Yeah.
You're nuts.
He's going to punch nuts.
Hide your nuts.
Hide your wife.
Hide your wife's nuts.
All right.
And then Chuckles and Patches, you both had a downtime activity if you wanted to.
You can go first, Tiger.
I'm still kind of marking my shit down.
There's only so much you can do on a boat.
There is.
Yeah, because last time I played Solitaire, you guys yelled at me.
So I'm not going to do that.
You did make some knots.
I did make knots.
And then I got my hair tussled.
So I say.
Can I swim?
Sure.
Okay.
Not that that's like my vice at all.
But yeah.
It's very in character, though.
Yeah.
You guys are just going to look over the side and be like, what the fuck?
Is that Juckles out there?
And I'm just going to be like, you know, like the cartoons where they're spitting water into
the air like a fountain.
That's just going to be me.
Just going to be onions.
Onions and onions.
It's just.
No, I'm turning over a new leaf.
Mostly because there's no place to steal.
There's no markets to steal onions from on this boat.
Yeah.
You're going to switch to shallots.
What about the galley?
There's got to be onions in there.
I locked the galley.
If you can't steal from your friends, who can you steal from?
He's mostly.
It's mostly hammocks down there.
Hammocks.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
The captain comes out onto the deck and he looks over the board side of the ship and he
just sees you down there.
Chuckles doing your best back float.
Yeah.
Backstroke.
Ba, ba, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
No, I'm just relaxing and floating in the sea.
Wait, are we on the ocean?
We're still in this stupid cave.
You guys are outside of the cave.
You're not very far from land.
You didn't make it out of the cave.
But, uh, you're not going really anywhere.
You're just, like, parked right outside.
Okay.
Also, by the way, the island was on fire at one point.
So now it's probably just a bunch of smoldering embers.
How did it get on fire?
How?
I believe that was you guys.
No.
That couldn't have been.
May or may not have been.
Uh, matches.
Sometimes it looks like this.
It's patches, not matches.
I know.
But you're setting fires.
So.
I know.
It does rhyme.
You didn't forget about Hotman, did you?
Uh, I did not until you spoke about him now.
I feel like we pissed him off.
No, we gave him.
No, you let him.
You let him go AWOL in Dusk Bowl.
Uh, told him to set the whole dock on fire.
And then when you needed him again, you told him to set, uh, Nelson Island on fire.
I gotta listen to that episode again, because I think it was good, but I don't remember what happened.
Was that the same episode he got, uh, Baz got shot in the head?
Yeah.
No.
No, no, no.
Baz got shot in the head as we were leaving Dusk Bowl.
Not as we were setting the Nelsons on fire.
Oh, no, no.
That was later on.
That was many episodes later.
I've been, I, I've been like a really permissive parent where I'm just letting this, this fire demon, whatever he is, just kind of run amok.
Yeah, I think you tell him every time just go wild, which I don't feel like is a good idea for a flame monster.
I think the only time he wasn't helpful was when you guys were fighting Leviathan.
Yeah, imagine that.
Didn't you tell him it turned into a female Leviathan?
That was Neelix, I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Hello.
And it worked, it would have worked, too.
Captain looks over, sees y'all swimming, and, uh, he calls out to, uh, Patches, who's also on deck.
He goes, ah, Patches is, uh, the boy, all right?
Yar.
He's a strange one.
He likes to go swimming in the, in the drink.
Are you mocking my accent?
Yar.
You watch your ass.
I turn around and I start muttering to myself and walk away.
Like, just cussing and swearing.
I have a co-worker that's like that, by the way.
Well, I'm good to know.
What?
I mean, and now you're the co-worker.
I've become my worst enemy.
Uh, boy, he calls over, yeah, uh, y'all right?
Down there.
What?
You're comfortable swimming like that.
You look, well, you're kind of splashing around.
I didn't know if you're in distress or if you fell over intentionally.
No, it's surprisingly shallow.
We have not made it very far from land.
So, uh.
Yes, it is a concern of mine.
Yes.
Um.
It's been several hours.
We've not done anything.
No.
Yeah, there's.
No, I'm sure the bottom's getting all scuffed up.
Yeah, I'm noticing there's a lot of rocks down here.
Um.
It's amazing that we haven't sunk the ship yet.
Well, when you get yourself aboard, make sure you dry yourself off and make sure you clean up any sand.
I don't like a sandy deck.
Oh, you're really big on the cleaning thing.
It is a concern.
Yeah, I mean, you made it rule number one above waffle stomping, which was strange.
Well, you know, waffle stomping was number one, but it seemed like I needed to make a make a point.
All right, uh.
I'm going to climb up overboard and start drying myself off.
All right, what's the plan?
Where are we going?
Are we going to take on other ships?
We got down from the door.
That's the thing.
Now what?
What?
Are you up there on the deck when I come up and start drying off?
I mean, I walk out while you're drying off.
Okay.
Oh, we'll be revealed in time.
Don't you worry.
We've got the sun setting in front of us and a wonderful dinner you've prepared.
And I think we're, we don't need to rush anything.
Yeah, but what about after that?
Like tomorrow?
Oh, tomorrow's another day.
Yeah, but what are we going to be doing?
That's really how days work.
Yeah, I get how days work most of the time.
But, like, what's our plan?
Oh, you're an Erebeger, aren't you?
Yeah, I don't want to just sit here on this rocky, rocky water.
And not go anywhere.
I want to plunder.
I was promised plundering.
Who promised plundering?
Well, I thought it was the captain.
Well, Patches.
He promised a long time ago.
Patches!
I look up from over the side of the ship.
Yar?
Did you promise the boy is plundering?
I may have promised them that.
But I did it as you.
So it's not really like I promised them that.
It's more like you did.
Putting words in my mouth, have you?
That's how lies work.
Yeah.
I didn't tell them they could plunder.
I stole your identity and told them they could plunder.
Yeah.
It's like when mom tells you it's okay to do something even though dad doesn't like it.
Am I the mom or the dad in this scenario?
Doesn't matter.
You guys do have the same last name.
Daddy.
Didn't like that.
I'm a character.
Didn't like that.
All right.
Patches.
You got your one down time before we kick things off.
You want to do anything?
I'm going to drink from my leg.
What's left?
All right.
I'm going to hang.
Is there like on the front of the ship?
Is there like a masthead?
Or not a masthead.
But a figurine or whatever.
A carving?
Yeah.
A carving.
And what is it?
It is a bare breasted woman.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Can I sit on her shoulder?
Yeah.
Like monkey de-loofy?
The figurine is doing one of those like, you know, like Titanic poses where they're like
arms are behind them and they're kind of pushing off.
So, yeah, you definitely can like she's big enough.
You can sit on her shoulders.
All right.
I'm sitting on her shoulders and drinking my whiskey.
But it does look like a little kid being held on their shoulders by their dad.
Yeah.
It's like kind of like this.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I was the captain.
Now I'm nothing.
Now I got to drink my leg.
You don't have to drink your leg.
Who's there?
It's me.
Yeah.
I've been watching.
I was really, really attracted to these large, large breasts on this boat.
Yeah.
The monkey's the same way.
I can't get the damn thing to get away from the thing.
I think the monkey's a woman.
I mean, female.
Yeah.
So.
But she is lingering by the figurehead.
Awkwardly.
Just like the rest of you.
Not me.
No.
Imagine I'm trying to look away from the bare-breasted boat.
But I'm still looking at it on the side of my eye.
Just awkwardly as we're standing around.
Yeah.
I imagine this is like the scene in Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
So, that's my relaxation.
The drinking.
Oh.
Okay.
Perfect.
Well, you guys spend your first night in the boat after, you know, you've had Squish's delicious
dinner and you're just chilling out in the hammocks under the dock, under the deck.
And morning comes and bright and early you guys hear this, like, bell, you know.
Like, you know, someone's obviously trying to get your attention.
You wake up, you rush to the top deck, and there's the captain, you know, standing kind
of overlooking his pride and joy, overlooking the ocean.
And he turns and he goes, well, I'm glad you finally managed to struggle and wake up and
get up here in time.
Who struggled?
I don't know.
Took you more than five minutes.
If this bell ever rings, that means I need you guys on deck right away.
Does it have to be so early?
I mean, I feel like the ocean's not going anywhere.
And that's the point, is neither are we.
Now, I heard your complaint in last night that we haven't gone anywhere.
Mind you, it's our first day getting to know each other.
Thought we'd do some nice icebreakers.
But no, you guys want to set off?
We're getting ready to set off.
All right, let's go.
Where are we going?
Well, that's a good question.
My plan before I got some extra baggage here was to head to Ticharos.
Now, I suppose you all know everything about Ticharos there is.
So why don't you give us a heads up?
Squish.
Chef Squish.
That's hard to say.
I mean, as to where it's at or what we can expect.
It's the demon homeland, I assumed, which might have been my mistake, being that you're a demon, that you may have heard of your homeland.
I think I'm only half demon.
Oh.
Well, this is quite embarrassing.
I didn't mean to assume you're a demon.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, Captain.
That's kind of an HR snafu, don't you think?
Yeah, it's pretty easy to see why you think I am, but.
Yeah.
You know, the red skin.
And if I'm not mistaken, horns?
Well, yeah.
No, yeah.
No, you're fine, but don't just assume I'm all demon.
Well, I assume you're a HR.
I don't even know if, I don't remember if I said I was actually born there or not.
I don't think you ever said you were.
You said you were never there, I think, last week.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, yeah, I've never been there yet.
So you know nothing about it?
No, I know it's the land of demons.
And that's where at least one or both of my parents are from.
Do you know much about your parents?
No.
Oh, you're just a ripe full of information, aren't you?
Do you know your own name?
I go by squish.
But, oh, you want my full name?
Did you steal it from a captain, too?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
I don't know if I can take that revelation right now.
No, my surname is Sunder.
Sunder.
Squish Sunder.
Well, Tarquish Sunder.
I'm Tarquish.
Tarquish.
It's funny.
You can call me Squish.
Chuckles with a D.
You think it's his last name.
Yeah, Chuckles.
Chuckles.
It was my grandfather's name, probably.
I thought it was your uncle's name.
Yeah, that, too.
They had the same name.
Your creepy, creepy uncle.
No, that was Skrullik.
Oh.
Is that the last name?
You know what?
He's kind of like Cher.
He's got one name.
How is he related to you?
I know Uncle.
Uncle.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you should probably clear that up before next time you see him, because that got a little
creepy.
I mean, he was very old.
I'm sure he's going to be dead next time I see him.
So now you just have to go to college to get the money.
Yes.
It's a real sitcom we have on our hands.
Real after school special.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
So.
But do you have a map?
Do you have a last name?
Me?
No, the other one.
To Junkles?
Yeah.
D is silent.
Junkles, Doubleday.
First D is silent.
Second D is not silent.
I know it's confusing, but it's.
Do you mean Doubleday?
Is it?
Is it Oobliday?
There's three D's in your name.
Oobliday.
No, no, no.
The first D is silent in Junkles.
The second D in Doubleday is not silent.
Again, I know it's confusing.
What about the third D?
Is there a third D?
You know what?
Reading's not my strong suit, as we've been through, as you keep rubbing in.
Well, and I don't need to get acquainted with you, Patches.
I already know who you are.
Do you?
So are we going to Tahiti or what?
We're going to Ticharos.
All right.
We're going to Ticharos.
Well, good news, bad news.
Good news is sort of bad news is not really.
All right.
Ticharos is one of those places that doesn't necessarily want to be found.
The people of Ticharos aren't exactly putting up welcome signs and bulletin boards.
So many miles to Ticharos.
Turn around.
You miss Ticharos.
Only 300 miles to Ticharos.
They don't really do that sort of thing.
Well, we know where the general area is, right?
Well, yeah.
We have an idea of the general area.
But there's a lot of area between us and them.
So, no, I don't necessarily have a map.
That's going to be step one is find a complete map.
Now, I have a partial map that I can display for you.
What if we go to that no man's land or do not enter?
What was the name of that island?
Avoid at all costs.
Yeah.
Avoid at all costs.
We can go there.
That's cool.
Didn't we go there already?
Yeah.
But if we go back.
And you burned it down.
Where do you think we are?
We burned that one down too?
No.
It's the same island.
No.
They're a different island.
Are you talking about the last hurrah?
Where they have the great bloomin' onions.
Yeah.
The last hurrah.
Yeah.
That's demons.
It's full of demons.
Someone has to know.
That's a good point.
We can start sailing there.
Do you know how to get there?
You have a map, right?
I feel like Red Captain's got like a clipboard in front of him and like, just like, good idea.
Let's mark that down.
Right here.
And he doesn't even have a pencil.
Yes.
A map.
A map was a good start.
Listen, if we can get our way back to last hurrah, I'm sure somebody there probably has a proper map.
Better than what I.
And the Leviathan guarding this island is pretty wounded, so.
They are not going to be happy to see us.
What did we do there?
What happened there?
I don't even remember what we did.
Well, we looted the place.
I think we stole all their food.
No.
They do.
No.
They tend to trap people there.
They like to trap you for all of all time.
Mm-hmm.
And they didn't trap us, so.
Well, and then all the food turned into dust.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good one.
That's a good trick.
They like to play on tourists.
Yeah.
But they did try to keep us there.
And we didn't burn them down?
I mean.
No, I don't.
Well, I don't know.
The one place we probably should have.
We didn't.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Well, then maybe they will be happy to see us.
Yeah.
Go back there.
Who doesn't like a returning guest?
Now, do we have cannons on this ship?
No.
No weapons.
Yeah.
It turns out when I.
No.
Now, if you can remember, I found this ship.
And I found it in the U.C.
And I've inhabited it with my ghost crew.
And they're having a great time down there, by the way.
All the secret places.
But I don't exactly have weapons.
I don't know what happened to that.
Well, why don't you ask Patches there?
Patches.
After you mutiny me, what you do with the weapons?
I, well.
Tossed them overboard.
Mm-hmm.
They were weighing us down.
I thought we could achieve higher speeds without them.
Like a balloon.
And what chapter was that in Captains for Dummies?
Oh, that was, that was a little, a little, a improvisation that I was trying out along with everything else.
I tried something and it didn't work, okay?
Yeah, it's really biting us in the ass right now.
We have no map, no weapons.
And, well, I do believe we have a decent food supply.
Okay.
There better be so many damn rutabagas down there.
Yeah, you've already made rutabagas law.
As a crew of four, well, five if you include the monkey.
We're going to go through those.
At a quick pace, considering the distance between here and there.
All right.
So, all problems can start with one solution.
And one solution is to assign texts.
Now, I thought about all of these problems last night.
None of this is new to me.
I know we have no map, no weapons, and a limited food supply.
But I have three capable crew members.
And I think if I start, you know, assigning you.
Where are they?
You're looking at them.
You're right, one.
They're number one.
Oh, don't.
Oh, God.
Is it we're capable?
Yeah.
You're all going to be assigned tasks, you know, to make sure we keep this ship afloat.
Everything's got to work together.
We're through.
Can I volunteer?
What do you want to volunteer for?
The crow's nest.
Sure.
Have fun.
I meant more in terms of our immediate problems, which is limited food supply, map, and no weapons.
So, Squish, since you are indeed the chef, I am assigning you our food supply.
Okay.
Hold on.
Sorry.
I'm trying to figure out how to assign this.
Oh, you think I would have figured this out earlier.
Do you see a clock that says food supply?
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Perfect.
All right.
Perfect.
Awesome.
I can just go right above it.
Perfect.
You can go underneath it.
Yes.
That one is yours.
There you go.
Perfect.
And then, Patches, since you're so fond of your map-making and de-faring beliefs, you're in charge of finding us a map and navigating us, the teacher.
Oh, sure.
That'll be so easy.
Just filling in the map.
Do you want no responsibility?
Do you want to become useless?
Do you know what we do with people who have no responsibilities and are useless on this ship?
I don't know.
What do you do?
Oh.
I'm taking away your responsibilities.
I was going to give this to the little boy.
But since you have an attitude, you are in charge of keeping things clean.
There you go.
There's your new thing.
Yeah.
Charlie work.
I storm off.
I walk away, and as I storm off, I, like, meanly grab a broom and start walking down the stairs.
Yeah.
Go back to the laboratory where you belong.
Now, Chuckles, there's nothing in my particular experience that tells me you're going to be any good at this, but I'm putting you in charge of the armory.
Ooh.
I'd be good at that.
Do you want me to blow it up?
No.
Ideally, I would like you to make things that don't blow up until we intend them to blow up.
Now, that's the second part of that sentence.
That's a lot harder.
That's the second clause.
Very important.
Things that blow up when we want them to.
Not before.
Not accidentally.
Not because they got bumped.
Not because of this or that.
When we decide they should blow up, that would be ideal.
But not a requirement.
No, it is a requirement.
I'm changing that to requirement.
Oh, okay.
Well, that makes it a lot more difficult, you see.
All right.
Now, you two hang on.
I'm going to go find patches, and we're going to figure this out.
And the captain follows you to where you stormed off patches.
Where did you storm off to?
I'm going to get a dressing down.
You can't talk to me that way in front of my other employees.
Where are you at, patches?
I'm, like, down the stairs, just meanly sweeping up a corner.
But it just happens to be in the corner by my room, so there.
So, you're in this, like, dirty little place, and as the captain, he comes down the steps.
But he deliberately, like, stops before he sees you and, like, knocks on the wood,
almost like he's, like, knocking on the door before he's allowed to come in.
So he knocks.
Yar.
Can I come in?
It's a free ship.
No, it's my ship.
Well, then I guess you can go wherever you want.
All right.
The captain greets, gets down here.
And he is trying to be understanding.
But he is also very uncomfortable with the situation.
And says, listen.
Diplomatic fucking pirate.
Listen.
My whole plan really hinges on you.
Me?
You're the only one who has any sort of seafaring experience.
Plus, you know, you know your way around a ship.
You're good with ghosts, I assume.
Everyone's told me how you captured some.
Who's they?
The other ghosts.
You realize ghosts can see other ghosts.
I'm very good at ghost seeing.
I can see the two ghosts that you have in the bottles around your waist.
I mean, one's a demon, admittedly.
But I can't see them.
Yes, yes.
I have some random ghosts in my pocket.
Anyway, what are you getting at, Captain?
I'm saying that the only way this arrangement is going to work is one of two ways.
Either we get along and we treat each other with respect.
Or I fucking kill you and dump your body overboard.
I don't want to do the second.
I'd rather do the first.
You drive a hard bargain.
Cleaning is really supposed to be everyone's job.
The number one rule is to clean up after yourself.
And it really, really kind of takes...
It was always my job before.
Right, and that's why I changed the rule.
Because you were pretty fucking bad at it.
This is a trusting down if I've ever heard one.
Can we treat each other with a modicum of respect?
Yar.
No more outbursts.
No more angry storming off.
No more muddering under your breath.
Yar.
I know you want to mutter right now.
I can tell.
You're winding up for it.
Oh, no, no.
Heavens no.
Yar.
All right.
I'm going to go back upstairs.
And if you want to wait a few minutes, you can come back up after me.
So it doesn't look like I talked you into it.
Just more that we talked.
Is that fair?
Yeah.
Give me the map, though.
What do I need to look at?
Okay.
Well, again, I do want to remind you, I don't have a map.
Well, what am I working with here?
How did you find your way to Last Hurrah?
How did you find your way to this place?
I had a map right in my hand.
I found it.
Where's the map now?
In my hand.
And you have the map!
Yeah.
That's how I found the ship.
It was in a treasure chest.
As soon as I saw it, I was like, hey, there's the ship.
Well, isn't that great?
So don't you already have the map as it is?
Yes.
So you can start, you know, guiding us the last hurrah?
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you asking, can I take the wheel?
Wait, Tiger, who's behind you?
That's Mel.
You lied to us.
Yeah, well, she lied to me.
You're a filthy liar.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing I'm wearing pants.
I'll never trust you again.
Look who's talking!
All right.
Patches.
Yes.
You can drive the ship.
Hey!
I throw the broom down and run past him.
Out of my way!
As you run back up onto the main deck, you are suddenly stopped, as you see in the horizon,
but heading straight towards you.
Another ship.
With pirate flags.
And you can tell from the make and the model of the ship and the way that it's cut up that
this is not a friendly ship.
You are having a pirate's ship sail directly towards you.
Captain Clyde?
Friends of yours, maybe?
Clyde looks, gets to the top of the deck, and he looks out at that ship, and he goes,
Trade not!
I need a token or whatever to see the image.
It's just a black screen for me.
Oh, no!
There, I got it.
Yep.
You got it?
I think so.
Can you see it now?
No.
Can you see it now?
Okay.
My bad.
Oh, that's that formula earlier.
Yeah.
Things to come.
Well, no.
Also, I had some issues uploading it.
But the point is, is that, yes, a pirate ship is coming straight towards your way.
You can start to see fire blaze from its cannon as it approaches.
And I think we should take a break.
All right.
Now what?
All right.
Yeah.
So, you see this ship coming, and it's starting to fire cannons at you.
Nothing nearby.
Nothing that hurts the ship.
But clearly a warning shot.
And the captain kind of groans, and he's like, oh.
The carnage crew.
Carnage crew?
Yeah.
There are these other ships.
And, well, you guys wanted to plunder.
You want to go plundering?
We don't have cannons.
Nope.
Yeah.
I didn't really have a lot of time to fix that weapon situation.
Nope.
That's sometimes how it is on the open shore.
Sometimes open seas.
Sometimes you get attacked by a bunch of marauding, useless pirates.
And he yells kind of loudly over the edge just to make clear that the other group can see him.
And he points to their ship.
So, they're friendly, though, right?
Well, I mean, for pirates, they're friendly.
But for fellow pirates, not so much.
Listen, me and the captain don't really see eye to eye on quite many things.
And he's always just been a real pain in the air.
You know, just a real pain.
His name is Donald Carnage.
He's just a real asshole.
His ship over there is the lead buzzard.
He's a piece of junk, if you ask me.
And the ship does look kind of like this dark metal gray color.
The sails are all torn.
It really is in a very bad shape, especially compared to your guys' ship.
It just looks like real hot garbage.
But it's fast.
It's coming closer and closer.
And as it gets closer, you start to see some of the people on board.
You see one particular man.
Pull him out.
Thank you.
There he is.
I'm also going to just throw him in the chat real quick.
This is Captain Donald Carnage.
He's overly dressed.
Like, he's got this, like, blue suit on.
This huge hat.
Lots of feathers on it.
It's a very ornate.
Kind of over the top hat.
Hold on.
Let me throw him.
He looks about three feet tall.
That's the other thing.
He's not very tall.
But, you know, he makes up for it with his particular attitude.
And he leans over the deck.
And he kind of waves his hand.
And he goes, bonjour, gorgeous.
Oh, I hate this guy already.
Oh, look at you.
It looks like you have yourself a new crew, Captain Clyde.
I'm so glad to see it.
Captain Clyde.
This guy is awful.
Kind of just.
Kind of just growls.
Doesn't really pay him any mind.
And he turns to you guys.
And he goes, look, a super battle position.
He's not going to do anything.
He's more bark than he is bite.
And believe me, he's a lot of bark.
And very little bite.
I don't think he's actually going to do anything to us.
Try to ruffle your feathers a little bit.
But this will be a good test of your skills.
He's already fired cannons at us.
Yeah, he's got one up on us.
But has any of us.
Any of them hit us?
No.
So he's either a really bad shot.
Or he's purposely not hitting us.
And either way, it doesn't matter.
Gather your wits about you, boys.
It's time to go into battle.
Okay.
I climb up to the crow's nest with my rifle.
Perfect.
That's likely to end down.
All right.
Captain Chuckles, what are you guys doing?
Chuckles, what are you doing?
Can I swing over there?
Not quite yet.
They are getting closer to you.
They're getting closer.
All right.
Well, I'm going to start rigging the sails.
All right.
Whatever that means.
Rigging the scales, whatever that means.
And then you, Captain?
I am at the wheel already.
What are you doing?
How are you directing the ship?
I'm kind of like, you guys turn around.
You thought I was next to you guys while this whole thing was going down.
And you turn around to give orders.
I'm already at the wheel.
Kind of like, oh, hello.
Red Captain.
Yeah.
He's touching the steering wheel.
That's perfectly.
Captains can do that.
This is going to be a little test run for him.
Let's just see how well he does.
He's going to.
What are you going to do, Captain?
Take us in closer?
Get away?
What are you doing?
I think the best course of action is to take us in very close and then get very far away from them.
Perfect.
We're going to go in for a little slow buy.
All right.
Captain, full speed ahead.
Chuckles, get those sails up.
We need to pick up speed.
Squish, keep your eyes on them.
Yeah.
I'm going to climb up and down that pole and start bringing those sails.
Perfect.
So we're going to do a quick engagement roll.
You guys are going to enter into a battle.
Yeah.
A battle.
Battle, battle, battle.
Crew tier is two.
All right.
So plus one.
Let's see.
Plus one for major advantage.
Negative one for major disadvantage.
So major advantage is that you have a better ship than them.
I would say major disadvantage.
You guys don't have any current weapons.
So I'm just going to keep the extra point at zero.
I'm just going to roll this.
Okay.
Three.
That's a good roll.
Unfortunately, in this regard, it is indeed a failure.
So, Captain, as you, or not Captain, I'm sorry, Patches, as you start to navigate the boat,
it's a lot bigger and stronger than the garbarge that you're used to.
So it kind of gets away from you a little bit.
Whoa, Nelly.
So you guys are trying to do, like, kind of sweep in and, like, hit the other ship and then zoom back.
But you just kind of get close instead.
And, in fact, you get close enough that a few members of the...
Donald Carnage recommended that.
Good job, Donald Carnage.
Donald Carnage.
And as you get closer to the lead buzzard, a few of the other crew members from his ship start swinging and coming over to your side.
Start throwing things at them.
Can I line up a shot at the captain?
Let's see how well you do.
The roll for that.
So you're trying to...
There he goes.
Blows the captain's head off.
That's obvious.
You're beginning the entire battle.
Four hours of work.
Yeah.
Throw your hunt and see how well that works.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to use Sharpshooter.
All right.
And what does Sharpshooter do?
Well, it says you can push yourself to do one of the following.
Make a range attack in an extreme distance.
But are we at...
We're not at an extreme.
No.
You're not at an extreme distance.
But if you want to give yourself one strain and then give yourself an extra die.
Okay.
For that.
Risky standard?
Yeah.
Success.
All right.
So tell me how you try to shoot the captain.
Well, I find him.
And it's hard to find him because he's just a little guy.
But good thing he's got those bright feathers on his hat.
He does have silly feathers.
And I just line him up in the crosshairs from...
On top of the crow's nest, I got the gun balanced on the rim.
And then I just fire at him.
So you fire and you do a pretty good job of getting really close to his face.
And in fact, as you shoot, you hit part of the ship.
And it splinters off.
And he takes a look at it.
And he ducks down really quickly.
After a second, he's like,
Senora, I think you're taking this a little too seriously.
I just thought this was a little test of skills.
But have it your way.
And the little guy grabs a rope.
And he swings on over to your side.
So now there's three full crew members here.
Not fully dressed, however.
These crew members are very scared.
And the little guy himself, Captain Carnage.
And then as he lands, he pulls out a sword.
On God.
They have swords?
We don't have swords.
I have a sword.
Oh, yes.
Do you have a sword?
Yeah.
Do you have two swords?
Do you want it?
I'm kind of piloting a ship right now.
Because I'm trying to be a good captain.
Why do you have a sword?
I am a pirate.
You've never used it?
A handful of times.
Oh.
Yeah.
Give it to me.
I toss you my sword.
All right.
I'll use this thing.
I don't know.
Let's find out together.
So to use your sword, the sword he gave you, that's going to be a finesse.
Because you're going to kind of like, you know, have to finesse.
You know, use the sword with some of that ability of yours.
Are you going to engage the Captain Carnage in a one-on-one fight?
No.
I want to go after one of these boy toys first.
All right.
So you run and head towards one of the other crew members who also has a sword.
And, yeah, you start sword fighting.
How well do you do?
How are you sword fighting?
Very well.
I do very well.
And I kill him dead.
Your what?
No.
I do very well.
And then I kill him dead.
All right.
Let's roll.
See how you do.
Roll your finesse.
All right.
Do I have to change any of these?
Risky or?
No, just keep it pretty standard.
All right.
There we go.
Yep.
He's dead.
You, yeah.
So you go and you, I imagine you're trying to like lunge at him.
Do some of the like crazy like maneuvers.
And yeah.
Like I've seen in the movies.
Yeah.
Like he's obviously has had some sword fighting, just doesn't really move at all.
And then just does a quick tap and is able to kind of like disarm you and send you sprawling onto the ground.
I'm going to have you take.
Oh boy.
I'm going to have you take a stress for that as you fall to the ground.
I had one, but we cleared those.
So I'm back down to one.
Yeah.
You should just have one at this point.
All right.
So, uh, captain, uh, you still just steering the ship?
Yeah.
Uh, do I, you can't do, are there any cannonballs nearby?
I know I threw the cannons off, but did I happen to leave the cannonballs?
Uh, do a study.
Take a look.
Oh, that's a great idea.
What do you made you, captain?
Oh, crap.
Actually do a survey.
I take that back.
Study is more like studying an object.
Uh, where is that at now?
I can't find it.
So under your ability.
Top left.
Yeah.
Actions.
I don't see.
Survey.
Under your name.
There they are.
I'm sorry.
I see them now.
I'm dumb as hell.
I thought we said we weren't doing that anymore.
That was old me.
Now you're an old, old me.
You see a few, I'm going to say you see, uh, three very dusty, but pretty good cannonballs
just lying around.
I grab one and just hold it and make sure, uh, is there anybody nearby I can whip it at?
Yeah.
There's one guy nearby who's like trying to run up and get control of the deck.
All right.
I'm going to whip it at him.
Does team.
Okay.
So what action is that?
Is that right?
Yeah.
Let's see.
Any, any cool modifiers?
No.
All right.
Just thought.
Oh, I missed.
You pick up the ball.
You throw it, but it's a bunch heavier than you expect.
So it just, it goes straight through to the second level.
And now we're sinking.
Now, Vegas.
You hear the captain yell out from behind you.
Oh, what are you doing?
I should.
I thought that would work.
Did you think about putting them in a cannon?
You don't have any cannons.
Whose fault is that?
A slingshot or something.
You could have rigged something up better than that.
All right, Squish.
You're watching this from above.
You just saw.
You just saw both of us.
We're both just laying on the deck.
Yeah.
Having completely failed.
Just do a face bump.
Oh, boy.
Squish.
We need help.
Can I start climbing down?
We're falling down.
Or, you know what?
No, I'm just going to fire at the one that's right by Juckles from up top.
The one that's by Juckles?
All right.
I'm going to try to protect him, I guess.
All right.
Go ahead and fire at him.
Be careful.
Don't accidentally hit me.
Don't fire at me, though.
Partial success.
All right.
You do fire, and you do strike the guard, who definitely is injured.
And he's almost shocked that you would have shot him.
Just like.
What?
Captain!
They are using real ammunition!
He yells to his own captain, who looks at you in the crow's nest.
He kind of does one of these, and he's like, are you guys fucking real?
I thought this was just a game!
Well, in that case, we will also use our real weapons.
And you see he takes his sword, and he takes off, like, a little rubber tip that was on it, and now he takes it off.
And now he's playing for keepsies.
And he's, uh...
Let me pull that.
Do that.
And he slices Chuckle's head off.
No.
But he does, like, raise his sword, and he kind of kicks the sword that you dropped, Chuckles, and he kicks it towards you.
And he puts the sword in your hand, kind of in your face, and he's like, ungodged!
Now we will fight for real!
I am Indigo Montoya.
Did you call yourself Indigo?
What's his name?
I forgot.
Indigo.
Oh, Indigo.
I am Indigo Montoya.
So he starts to sword fight with you, Chuckles, and you kind of quickly have to get up and, like, you know, fight him back.
I'm going to have you roll a resistance roll, Prowress.
Got it.
Rolling rec.
Oh, I am pretty good at that.
Yeah, so, surprisingly, you're able to pick up the sword and kind of, like, fend him off really well.
It's really impressive.
It's, like, suddenly you've been endowed with, like, this amazing skill.
And, yeah, you just start fencing.
I'm surprised myself.
Yeah, we all are.
Hold on.
And you're able to kind of, like, battle him.
So he, like, has to forcibly move himself back.
But the Captain Carnage just loves it.
He's like, oh, you know, finally, I'm ready.
I'm calling it.
Oh, my gosh.
He's too excited.
Where are you from?
Tahiti.
I didn't know they could fight like this in Tahiti.
Yeah, me neither.
Wait, who's taller between the two?
They're pretty much the same size.
Fine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know, we could use someone like you on our crew.
I think you could probably fit into my clothes.
Are you hiring?
You have great clothes.
Potentially.
Was that a hit?
Like a flirt?
Was that a come on?
Listen, when you're on the open seas, anything is possible.
Ah, yes.
Okay, I'm coming with you.
All right.
Captain, where are you at now?
Chuck, puzzle my hair.
Anybody who gives you the slightest, like, a bit of, like, assurance or anything, you're like, just go.
I'll go with you.
Yes, I have very low self-confidence.
If I was in a white van and gave you candy and tussled your hair, you'd just jump in.
Wait.
You have candy?
I'm still at the helm.
I'm kind of, like, looking at Juckles just like, Juckles.
No.
Captain.
Are you still in the boat?
What are you attempting to do with the boat now?
Where is the other boat?
So they've kind of come up beside you.
They realize that you have absolutely no control over what you're doing.
And so they kind of, like, instead of trying to avoid a collision or anything, they're just kind of, like, bumping up against you.
So the two boats are.
I kind of feel like we're just, like, circling each other.
Like, kind of like.
Yeah.
I'm trying to hit it, and they're just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're just kind of going in a circle.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to ram it.
You're just going to try to, like, just ram their boat into theirs?
Yeah.
All right.
What skill do you think this is?
Finesse?
Oh.
What do I have higher of?
I don't know.
I feel like this might be wreck.
Actually, let me put it this way.
I hope it's wreck.
All right.
You don't have a high wreck, though.
It's the same as your other one.
So let's go for it.
Just roll whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Yes.
Boom.
Yes.
Explodes in two.
It sinks, and they all start crying.
I know they're our friends.
You catch the boat just in time, and you ram it into their boat.
You hear all this screaming from the other side.
You know, as your boat kind of pushes, you know, against them.
You haven't crashed or anything.
Like, neither boat is sinking.
But they're definitely, like, entangled now at this point.
And Captain Carnage looks at you and goes, what did you do that?
What did I do?
What?
Now we've got a real bloody mess.
I'll tell you that.
Well, what would you have done?
I don't know.
Done a few little, you know, sword fights, a little wah-wah-wah.
Yeah, and then we all go back to our own trips and, you know, have some cocktails and have some etouffee and, you know, appetites.
This isn't a game.
Maybe a little bit of kisses.
I feel like this is, like, all of a sudden I'm getting Guild of Calamitous Intent.
Like, what are you doing?
This is a game of cat and also cat.
Calm down.
Also cat.
All right.
Squish, back to you.
You probably are, like, walking a little bit on the crow's nest because he is driving erratically and just crashed into something.
Oh, yeah.
So you don't have, like, the steadiest ground.
Okay.
Can I do a flashback?
Yeah.
Okay.
I forgot about flashbacks.
Yeah.
So right before we started firing onto them, and I was already in the crow's nest, I set up a rope that I could just slide right down to get a fast, fast access to the deck.
So I want to take that rope and slide all the way down to the deck.
Okay.
Yeah.
You just, like, bust out this, like, cool-ass rope that you probably have stored up there for a while now.
And just, like, you know, like, James Bond all your way down to the bottom.
And you land on the deck.
And then can I fire at the captain?
Yeah.
Which captain?
Oh, yeah.
There's, like, three.
No, there's really two.
There's two in a pretender.
Speaking of captains, is the red captain going to get involved in this?
Oh, yeah.
I feel like he's got to explain this for us.
All right, yeah.
Then I'm just going to fire at the little guy.
Carnage.
Can I yell out to him?
Yeah.
I mean, sorry.
Maybe I don't want to interrupt before you go.
Just have you fire on him.
And then, yeah.
Like, have you fire?
Yeah.
So go, squish.
Yeah.
Go ahead and fire.
This is more of just, like, a blasting him, though, right?
Like, this isn't an aimed shot.
Or are you, like, sitting here and aiming for him?
I'm going to try to aim as best as I can.
But I know with it being a rocky boat, it might be hard.
I just fell from a rope.
Yeah.
So maybe do hunt, but make it a little bit risky.
Besides risky, what's the next step up from risky?
Desperate?
Desperate, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, because the boat's swaying, and you're trying to, like, oof.
A lot of commotion.
Partial success.
Yeah.
So you get a good shot off at him, and it definitely, like, nicks him.
And he is kind of pushed away from his fight with chuckles.
And he's, like, looking at his coat where you can see, like, the hole has gone through.
And he's looking at it, and he's like, all right, no, take him out.
Take him out.
This is not cool.
What are you talking about?
Hold on.
One sec.
What is going on here?
And he points up to the captain, and he's like, you explain.
You explain to your stupid crew.
And the captain is, like, you know, he is just watching all of this.
But he's like, boys, this is, uh, this is like a, they're razzing us, you know?
It's our first time on the sea together as a crew.
And I think the, uh, the lead buzzard over here thought they could just give us a little warm-up, a little howdy-do into, into, uh, piracy.
So this isn't real?
Well, no.
I just think they had, uh, the kiddie gloves on you.
But, uh...
Another thing isn't real?
Is anything real?
Yes.
No!
But I want to ponder that ship.
And I don't take fucking fools for nothing.
Let's kick their ass.
Well, then get your ass down here and help.
All right.
Yeah.
Didn't you ask him?
And so, for a second, the captain looks like he's just standing there.
Um, but...
Slowly you see, like, the whites of his eyes, kind of like, his eyes basically, like, roll back into his head.
And he's standing on the deck, and you just kind of hear him.
You see his lips moving, but you're not quite sure what he's saying.
And then, from the ground of the ship, you see this, like, green mist start coming up, and it starts forming the bodies of deadly, dead crewmen.
So you have pirates and sailors in ragged clothes and ripped-up clothes, uh, and they pull out their swords.
Um, and he now has command of a ghost pirate ship.
Okay.
After seeing that, squish hides.
Holy shit!
Um, am I still close to the blue captain?
You're close enough.
The blue captain.
All right.
Now, because I've heard that this is some sort of razmatazz, I like to pull his pants down.
I just want to pants him.
What is wrong with you?
All right.
Why?
Well, I feel like this is some kind of high school, like, grade school shit that I just want to embarrass him.
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh, yes.
I'm going to say prowl, because I'm expecting...
It's not sexual.
Not on a left field either, is it?
I'm going to say, roll your prowl, because I imagine you're trying to get up to him and, like, pull his pants down before he can react.
All right.
Good news for him.
I upgraded my prowl.
Uh, so he sees you just at the last minute as you pull down his pants.
And, of course, he is wearing, uh, red, uh, white polka-dotted, or white with red polka-dot boxers.
Of course he is.
Clashes completely with his frock.
Do you have a picture for him?
Uh, and he sees the ghost, uh, the ghostly crew around him that are all now, like, threatening and, uh, and, you know, threatening him.
Uh, and he's like, oh, okay.
I think we've got off on the wrong foot a little bit.
This doesn't...
This isn't exactly what we wanted.
We thought we would just give you guys a quick, uh, quick little, you know, hiya, and then, uh...
Oh, he's not shooting at you.
Yeah, I mean, I didn't think we shot at you either.
You shot a man in a bus towards us.
And none of them hit.
So?
You're really bad at A.
So, wait a second.
Now, we can't hurt you.
We can't embarrass you.
What can we do here?
Uh, I don't know.
And, uh, as he says that, he's trying to, like, struggle to get his pants on, but he starts running back towards his ship.
Um, the other reluctant crew members go with him.
Um, do you let them get away?
No.
I think we should kill one of them.
We should kill all of them.
There's a warning.
Can I throw another, uh, cannonball?
Sure.
What is...
Throw a cannonball onto their ship and start sinking theirs.
I throw a cannonball.
All right.
Throw that cannonball.
Let's see how it does.
Wreck.
Oh, I missed again.
Another hole.
Oh, no.
You got one more cannonball left.
That's my golden cannonball.
Another...
Your golden cannonball.
Um, anyone else want to try and stop these guys?
Hmm...
Yeah, I want to run...
I do.
Okay.
I want to shoot the captain again.
Actually...
Actually, I'm going to mind link with Dee Dee.
Okay.
And tell Dee Dee to jump aboard their ship.
And start...
To become their monkey now?
Start wreaking havoc.
Uh, so you mind meld...
Dee Dee, Dee Dee, Dee Dee.
Yeah.
There's so much tobacco on that ship.
So many cigarettes.
Huh?
Oh, my God.
You're abusing the mind so quickly.
Uh, above you, you hear Dee Dee, like, scream, like a Tarzan scream as she takes the rope.
Oh, my God.
Flies, you know, swings to the other ship and lands there.
And from a distance, you can hear the rest of the crew on that ship.
As this, uh, monkey is now rummaging through their stores for tobacco, which you told her is on the ship.
Oh, I really hope to have tobacco.
Otherwise, she's going to lose all trust in you, and this mind-like function is fucked.
Uh, so one...
A couple of the crew members, one has, uh, two of them have swung back aboard.
Uh, the captain is up and he's swinging, uh, back to his ship.
Uh, uh, is gonna let him go?
Not with Dee Dee aboard?
Well, what do you do?
Oh, I'm double him.
Pull his pants down.
He's probably not wearing underwear.
Maybe don't.
I swing right over, too.
Perfect.
You swing overboard.
Um, and you land on a, on, uh, this deck.
And there are, like, maybe half a dozen very frightened men, right?
Who thought they were just gonna go and kind of give you guys, like, a hard time and then fly away.
And you have now, like, shot at them.
You've sent their monkey at them.
And now the boat that they were, you know, teasing has a bunch of ghosts on it.
And we pants their captain.
And they pants their captain, who's struggling to get his pants back up.
Did the captain swing over to his boat with his pants down?
With his pants on his ankles?
Yeah.
His butt is laughing in the way.
He didn't blow up his nuts this time.
So, I mean, it's kind of an improvement.
Wait.
I didn't even think of that.
Gimme his nuts.
Are you swinging over there, too?
Uh, yes.
But for a very different reason.
I feel like this guy is a real, real, he's a lot of fun.
And I want to, you know, maybe join his crew.
All right.
You, uh, you swing over to, uh, the other side.
Uh, Kat, uh, Patches, you're just, uh, watching.
You're just controlling the boat.
I can't hear you.
The boat, like, hell's going on.
Am I working yet?
Can you hear me?
Yeah.
Can you repeat what you're doing?
Huh?
Can you repeat it?
Sorry.
Yeah.
I'm holding onto the ship and I'm looking at Captain Clyde.
Like, what the hell's going on?
I don't know.
Both of your men just abandoned deck.
Oh, I'm sure they've got a, they've got a plan.
Why don't you go over there and help them?
I'll hold on to the ship.
Oh, I never, I never leave my ship.
All right.
Well then I grab a, I grab a bowling ball and put it in my pocket and then jump and grab a
rope and swing across.
It's not a bowling ball.
Uh, so when you jump and you go to the other ship, uh, the captain immediately takes back
the wheel, um, and he navigates the boat.
So it's, it's no longer like neck and neck and like rammed into, uh, the iron Turkey.
I'm sorry.
The iron buzzard.
It's kind of pulled over to the side.
I like the iron Turkey though.
Yeah.
Uh, and it's pulled over to the side, uh, but still keeping pace with them.
So now the three of you, uh, plus DD are now back on the, uh, enemy ship with, uh, six
different, uh, crew members and the captain at large.
Looks like the odds are not good for them.
Don't give us all of your stores, all of what you've got stored.
I want food maps.
Give us a cargo pants.
Tobacco.
Most important.
And women.
Uh, I guess women.
Excuse me.
You are not.
First off, you're not going to find any women here.
Uh, but also, uh, and, uh, he takes out his own gun and the rest of the crew now has
their guns, uh, pulled out.
Uh, each one of them has at least one trained on you.
Uh, wait guns.
Yeah.
Okay.
Can I agree?
No guns.
Do I have enough time to make an action before they shoot me?
You're on the other boat.
No, he's going over.
He put his cannonball.
This is bowling.
Oh, that's right.
Can I, can I summon hot men?
Oh no.
Oh my God.
We can't burn this.
No, we're going to burn them down.
All they want is just a little friendly rivalry.
You can pull out hot men if you'd like.
I'm going to summon the hot man.
Summon the hot man.
Uh, so yeah.
You, uh, go to your battles around your waist and you want to pour one and out comes this
smoke and a man of flames and smoke appears and he's looking around.
He's like, party time?
Party time.
Boys.
Whoa.
No.
Hold on.
No.
Hold on.
Wait.
No, I think we just, we should just use hot man as a threat to get what we want, which
is their women or their, you know, most women looking men.
Wow.
That is not what we want.
For both of you.
We need, we need food.
All right.
I just imagine.
We need cannons.
I just imagine like flamey hot man just was running to jump.
Like he's about to jump into a pool and they're like, wait, wait, wait, wait.
He's like stopping in midair about another jump.
He's going to have such blue balls.
All right, gentlemen.
Continue.
Yeah.
I mean, this guy loves to burn and your ship is made of gray wood.
So I don't know.
Let's just, you know, call it halfsies.
Let us have a couple of cannons.
Let us have a couple of foods and let us have a couple of your most, you know,
girlish men and we'll be on our way.
What?
Tobacco too.
Oh yeah.
Tobacco.
Connage looks at you and he's, he's like looking at a hot man who is, is a fire creature, you
know?
So they obviously understand the importance of not letting that on board.
And, uh, you guys are going to have to roll to convince him.
All right.
Burn his pants.
That'll convince him.
I'll sway.
Your sway.
Does anyone else want to help with the sway?
No.
Well, I think Hotman helps, right?
Yeah.
Hotman's definitely going to give you an additional boost on that.
But does anyone else want to throw in for that?
Make it a group action?
Yeah.
Make it a group action.
If we get two, we get two sixes.
It's a complete success.
Yeah.
It's a critical success.
I mean, yeah.
How do I do that?
Do I just also have to roll sway?
Yes.
You just have to roll sway.
I mean, I'm not good at sway.
Well, the captain just, uh, improved his sway, so he should do that.
Right.
I have no sway.
Now, quick question.
Yeah.
Does Hotman give us both an additional die or just one?
I would say he gives just one additional die.
Okay.
Oh, it's the captain, of course, because the captain summoned him.
Okay.
I'll do that.
That's fine.
You hear that, Patches?
One die.
Well, plus one die.
No, plus one.
Whatever your sway is, and then an additional one.
There's one six.
There's two sixes.
I mean, five.
All right.
So, you got one.
So, they quickly, like, look around.
They're like, okay, look.
This seems like it got out of hand.
Maybe hazing is wrong.
I agree to your terms.
Take a look around.
Take whatever stores you like.
We're happy to set you off on the right foot.
Please, just, uh, just don't burn down my boat, please.
Okay.
All right.
So, what do we get out of this?
Uh, let's have you all do a survey.
Well, that's not good.
All right.
Squish.
Squish sees nothing.
I perceive nothing.
Wow.
We're not seeing anything.
It is.
This boat is, like, barren.
Oh, wow.
There is nothing on this.
What do they got?
They got, like, something dumb here, like hay or something like that, right?
Yeah.
Now we have to eat hay.
Like horses.
So, Squish, you go down into the galley, but all they seem to have are, like, bottles of tequila and limes.
Oh, my God.
Well, this boat gets scurvy.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we'll take half.
You can cook with that, right?
Yeah.
Half of that, I guess.
Captain, what are you looking for?
I'm just looking around to see what else they have here, and it doesn't look good.
Yeah.
No, they don't have much.
Chuckles, are you looking for anything in particular?
Women, apparently.
Do they have any kids?
Do they have any cannons?
No.
No, I'm not looking for women.
Well, I'm also, I'm keeping an eye out just in case I see one.
But I'm actually looking for any type of armaments.
Yeah.
Do they have any cannons?
I just imagine us, like, trying to carry a cannon across this shit together.
They have one.
They only have, like, a few cannons.
They have one very old cannon that, like, it's the kind.
It doesn't even.
You actually have to fill it with powder.
You can't just, you know, light it and let it go boom.
You actually have to, like, tamp it down.
And it's kind of a, it's a lot to work with.
But are you guys taking that?
More than no cannons.
Yeah, we're taking it.
Yeah.
I bet you it means it's even more powerful that way.
That's how things are.
Yeah.
Sure.
All right.
Hold on.
All right.
Hold on.
Just a Gatlin cannon gun?
Yeah.
Yep.
That's what I'm going to do.
All right.
Hold on.
I'm going to put that in my pocket.
Hell yeah.
Wait.
Is that good?
She finds some tobacco.
She finds enough to keep herself happy.
So she's, like, just shoving it in her pockets.
Yeah.
So you find, between the three of you searching, you find a few bottles of tequila, a few limes,
one very old cannon, a bunch of men.
And as you look at them, Chuckles, you realize that these are not beautiful men.
These are some very old, bedraggled, like, teeth missing, you know, makeup applied to skewed crew members.
But the worst kind.
Like, if all your teeth are missing, that's good.
But if you just say a couple of teeth, it's actually worse than all of your teeth.
Yeah.
It's actually a law of averages for that one.
Yeah.
And then DeeDee, who has just, like, tobacco coming out of her little pockets.
And you guys somehow managed to swing all this aboard.
I'm curious on how you guys get the cannon aboard.
You want to tell me how you do that?
No, I'm just tossing it.
Yeah.
We're just going to toss it like a...
Pick it up.
I'm going to pay bail.
Yeah, what I'm trying to do is we're going to tip the ship.
I'm at the helm, and we're going to tip it slightly so we're leading.
So it kind of gives a little extra heft to throw it.
Yeah.
And on three, we both grab a side and we swing it.
One, two, three, and we toss it.
And hopefully we get it into the boat.
And hopefully we don't have to roll for wreck.
Hopefully we don't have to roll at all.
No, I think you guys can be trusted to get this cannon next door.
I don't think it doesn't fall into any of the holes.
I think that's the one.
It's a pretty big...
All right.
I don't think so.
What?
Don't.
No.
I mean, we're right next.
We're close.
It's not finesse.
You know, we're not trying to hit anything except a big boat.
I think the captain gets close enough to you, you're able to lower a gangplank and the two
of you carrying it can just walk it across.
No, we throw it.
All right.
You throw it.
There's already two holes in the deck.
Why not a third?
It doesn't matter.
Yeah.
So you guys board your boat and the iron buzzard takes off slowly and as it fades out of view,
Donald Carnage turns around and he goes, hey, fuck you guys.
Oh, I want to light up one more shot at it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I got...
Let me have my one last cannonball throw.
All right.
We have a cannon this time.
All right.
No, just throw it.
Can I just throw it?
Do you want to just throw it?
You don't want to give it to anyone else to throw?
No.
All right.
Throw it.
All right.
Okay.
Partial success.
You throw it and you miraculously manage to smack him in the back of the head.
Not hurting him or killing him, but it was really embarrassing.
And his pants fall down again.
What a wiener.
That's like when Lenny gets punched in the back of the...
Yeah.
So the ship, the iron buzzard pulls that away.
The captain has gone back to normal.
His crew is...
His ghostly crew is gone.
And he looks around and he laughs and he goes, well, you guys didn't do too bad for yourself,
did you?
Only a little boo-boo over here from falling down from a surprise sword fight.
You guys seem to get off pretty well.
And we got a cannon.
That's cannon now.
Yes.
This is our cannon cannon.
It is pretty old.
Yeah.
Did you pick the oldest one?
And am I to understand that they only had tequila and limes next door?
They didn't have any food or you didn't look for that?
That's all I saw.
And tobacco.
The monkey's got tobacco.
The monkey's got some tobacco.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Try to take it away from her.
No, by all means, she earned it.
He did.
Well, that was an adventure.
But I think we'll just head to last resort.
Last hurrah now.
Patches, you know the way?
Yar!
I run up.
I scamper up to grab the wheel as fast as possible.
Like, I trip over my feet getting up the stairs to it.
He's so excited.
I'm going to be a captain again.
All right.
And you get up to the wheel and you guys start sailing off into the unknown.
Well, not completely unknown.
You did this trip once, so you should be fine.
Right?
You didn't have any problems with it last time.
Yeah, yeah.
We're just supposed to go.
Where are we going again?
Teacher Rose?
No, we're going to last hurrah.
All right.
The Bloomin' Onion Island.
Mm-hmm.
Are we going to get another Bloomin' Onion?
Hell, yes.
Even if it is sand or dust or whatever it is it turned into.
Sandy Onion.
I'll eat it.
That's the name of my ex-girlfriend in high school.
That explains the onions.
It is.
It does.
It's a long semester.
Hail the junk fort boys.
In the night they roam.
Solving wolves with fire and cruel.
With a clash and a crash and a twist of fate.
Explosions mark the hours never late.
Why do you think O'Hare is so bad?
Oh, it's busy.
You think it's cursed?
Yeah.
Yeah, there was this one guy that said that it was built on Indian burial ground or Native American burial ground.
It's been visited by aliens.
It's a secret base for nuclear missiles.
It sounds O'Hare raising.
Five strength.