Hail the Junkfort boys in the night they roam at pay,
solving woes with fire and sloat.
With a clash and a crash and a twist of fate, explosions mark the hours never late.
Temples, temples, and more temples.
Finally, a ghost ship.
Ghostly encounters.
As our intrepid crew drew into Lockport, they needed to come up with a plan.
Lacking any sort of identification papers,
they decided to finally put their ghost crew into use.
They roused the ghost crew into putting on their best haunted show with chains and moaning and all that stuff.
Patches created a heavy fog to obscure their true intentions.
Squish and Dee Dee prepared to jump overboard.
Chuckles was fired from a cannon.
At the perfect moment, the crew jumped into the waters below,
snuck ashore,
avoiding any difficult questions or well-set-up encounters with the Lockport Port Authority.
Before they left, Captain Fitzhide gave them a map of the city,
the cult that smelled like flowers.
After not taking time to change out of their dripping clothes,
the crew went to the first bar that they found,
saw,
smolders.
Patches asked the bartender for directions
finding a mysterious cult,
only to be
told that the town is lousy
with creepy cults.
Patches thought
hard and remembered the smell of flowers on the
same night he
met
with the people told to return
Neelix.
The bartender suggested
High Street, known for its rows of beautiful
flowers.
Squish stole a flyer
from a dog cult, and he and Chuckles talked up
some pretty girls from the cult of perpetual woe.
It didn't go well.
Disappointed,
and drinking a closet full of shoes,
the crew turned over the map to find the name
Wester Vale Suck, written in Fitzcliff.
The crew is now on their way to High Street
to check out the Society of Universal Knowledge
and a few of these crazy cults.
Before I forget,
you guys got XP from the last session.
Chuckles,
you got two points of XP.
Squish, you got...
Yeah, but for what?
One, two,
three, four, five.
Oh, yeah, I used to tell you what they were for.
Just take it.
Never.
It's whenever you roll a criticals when you get it.
So let's see.
Cuddly crab.
Let's see.
I got to start writing down what you do because that was funny.
I bet it was cool.
Surveying different things.
I bet it was cool, too.
Yeah,
so squish.
sorry got five chuckles two and patches you got three points xp you said xp so what happens if i
used if i filled all of them up i just get to add one dot you can add a point or a special ability
i really think you'd be more useful since you've been so upgraded
Me?
Yes.
I've always been useful.
Alright.
I added one to Prowl.
Cool.
Wait, do we upgrade every single session?
No, not usually.
Squish has had a banger of,
like,
really good rolls lately.
Yeah.
That's Squish for you.
That's Squish.
I gotta change my screen now.
This is all freaking candy.
I want this.
There we go.
Is there a way to mark it so I can use it for later?
What?
Don't I have to fill up these things,
these blades here,
before I can do anything?
I seem to remember that.
Are the blades in the dark?
Yeah, the XP is along the...
along your character sheet.
Yeah.
And that's what you're using to keep track.
Okay.
Okay, cool.
Sorry, give me one second.
Not that this really matters.
So you guys were at the bar.
Oh, but it was a regular bar.
It wasn't full of.
It was a regular bar.
I've updated my bar,
but that's for later,
if you guys go to a bar later.
Yes,
so you guys were at the bar,
and you had just found the note about Westervale from the captain,
which all it said was Westervale, S-U-K,
which you have since learned stands for the Society of Universal Knowledge,
which is a university here in Lockport.
Lockport suck!
So you guys are on your way there.
Okay.
You're on your way there.
It is getting kind of dark.
So you guys pulled into port kind of in the early,
not early morning, but kind of midday.
That's why you had the fog come in to kind of make things a little bit more spooky.
But after your journey time in the bar, it's starting to get a little bit dim.
Lockport is still bustling, though.
The city is, you know, metropolitan.
It's 24 hours.
Things are always bustling and hustling.
And you guys decide to make your way up to High Street.
High Hill Street?
Not High Hill Street.
Although,
perhaps the same name.
Hold on.
I'm working on it.
I'm just letting you know.
Sometimes you don't laugh.
I'm trying really hard.
Get him.
All right.
Do you have your token here now?
And can you see it?
No.
Me neither.
Open your eyes.
Have you tried that?
I'm worried about saying something because I'm going to get yelled at.
Yeah, you got yelled at by two people.
Tiger doesn't count as a person.
That's true.
You're not my wife anymore.
That will have to be next week's
fact.
Yeah, a little known fact. Juckles was married.
To a man.
Two patches.
It was a weird summer.
Downtime.
It was a lonely boat.
That was a crazy weekend that night.
Boo, do you see it?
Yeah, I see it now. Thank you.
Okay, sorry.
Yeah, so you guys make your way to High Street.
Now, High Street is the nicer part of Lockport.
It is filled of these bricked and white stone buildings.
There are shops.
There are plenty of things.
But the one kind of distinctive part about it that you notice as soon as you climb up the hill,
the high hill,
is just rows and rows and rows of these wisteria purple flowers that are hanging from branches that intercross over the street.
So it's very scenic, very beautiful, and the smell hits you immediately.
And Patches, this is the smell that you know.
Like this is kind of bringing back some memories from you.
But on the street are plenty of well-dressed people going about their business.
You also see a lot of college kids, and you can tell they're college kids because they have sweaters on that say S-U-K in big Greek letters.
And you also see on the street, and it's not just a street.
It is a whole neighborhood.
It's many streets that are all like this, some broader,
some more narrow with residential areas.
But the main street that you're on has lots of temples.
And you can tell they're temples because you can see the signs of the churches and religions and different groups outside of the buildings that they're in.
And they tend to be a little bit larger than your typical shop.
They're clearly some sort of gathering place.
And you are here with Tawny and with Didi by your side.
Of course.
Is it just me or are those oranges?
Are they onions?
In the street.
It would be squash.
One is a bad omen and one is a very good omen.
Could be a rutabaga.
Aren't those poisonous?
No.
Oh.
All right.
Well,
this place smells like flowers.
Yeah,
there are flowers.
Why are we here?
We're looking for that cabal.
Oh,
the cabal.
That's right.
And we're here because of...
We followed your nose?
Wherever it goes.
Oh.
To the smell of fruit.
Wherever it grows.
Patches?
So they have fruit loops here in this universe.
Did you bring Neelix on this trip?
Yeah, he's always on me.
He's my best friend.
Well, besides you guys.
I wasn't curious.
That would have been inconvenient.
Does he know where we need to go?
Wait, hold on.
So we've got to return Neelix,
right?
That's what we've been tasked with doing.
Does Neelix know that he's being returned somewhere?
And does he have extra information?
Have we already asked Neelix?
Does he not want to go back to these people?
I mean, let's ask him.
Bridget, can I call him Neelix?
Yeah, if you've got him.
Yeah, you have him.
Why don't you just tell me where we should go
Hello
He comes out, hello
I'm Neelix
Neelix emerges
from his bottle
And what is he wearing?
He's dressed for the occasion
He has on like a very
wonderful
kind of like a petticoat style dress
that's very poofy and he has the
wisteria flowers already
in his hair
But he's still his straight butler self, and he goes,
Ah,
sir,
is there something I could assist you with?
Oh,
my God, this is beautiful.
What a wonderful city.
No.
Can ghosts smell?
Which is good, because,
you know, well,
do ghosts stink,
or can ghosts smell things?
It's a big question, because I got to tell you, I can't smell,
but the captain,
he sure stinks.
I got it.
Wait, which captain?
I'm learning a lot.
here's my
here's my uh my
my fact Captain Fitzglide historically
canonically stinks
oh no you laid that one out
that's canon
that one's quite canon sorry
yeah Neelix is oh what a beautiful city
Lockport
yeah it's really bustling
it is bustling and hustling
so uh Neelix
does this place look familiar at all
he looks around
he's like
no sir I can't say that it does
not a familiar place
we're looking for
the cabal
before you say anything
to him
can I ask you a question
who me
yeah you you're Patches
oh okay I thought you said Patches
oh Patches no no
we lost
Is this supposed to be a secret from Neelix?
Do you know?
I was...
So my plan was to go there and investigate.
But if I didn't like the situation,
if they didn't seem like they were going to house my butler in a good home,
I was going to keep them.
I'm kind of turning this like I'm returning a puppy to its lost family.
And if I don't like the family, I'm keeping the puppy.
But you don't seem to trust the cabal.
I don't.
I don't trust anybody that I can't remember.
okay
alright I guess we can ask
Neelix for more information though
I trust Neelix with my life
Neelix is a good guy
yeah but does he trust you with his
I mean he has so far
he has to
you're right he's in a bottle
you're right
because of the bottle
you know because of my alcoholism
oh wait you mean his bottle home
yeah yeah that's true
and he stinks
all right carry on sorry he smells like he smells like sunflowers i was just trying to set the
stakes here so melex melex yes team team team team team uh team get together uh
chuckles squish come on over here come here dd uh tawny uh go walk over there um
so listen melex we're looking for the cabal that i think i was sent to that i think they sent me
to get you.
Now,
I don't know if you want to go back there,
but we're thinking about...
Have you ever been there at all?
We were wondering if maybe that's your home
and if that's your home, maybe that's your family
and then we'll bring you back.
But just so
you know, if these guys look like they're
going to mistreat you at all, we'll
gladly keep you on our team.
You're a valued
member of the
what's her current name? The Ball Blaster
Boys?
I believe you're the crew of the Krusty
Crab,
the Cuddly Crabs.
We are.
Oh,
that's right.
We are.
Yeah.
And also,
you're looking fabulous today.
Thank you.
Yeah.
We don't know a lot about this cabal.
They had nice hoods.
Are they butlers just like you were?
Yeah.
Is it a butler cabal?
Well,
I.
Do you know anything about this cabal?
Is this ringing a bell for you?
Well,
unfortunately,
not quite.
Before I was in my present master's service,
I, of course, served Captain Fitzclyde,
and I was his butler quite a few years.
I don't even know, years pass hither and dither.
No, I've been dead some 200 years now in a ghost quite that time,
serving one master or another.
They all kind of blend in together.
I don't know about a cabal necessarily.
So I don't remember much, my friend,
but I do.
I remember that I was sent to get you from Fitz Clyde and we were sent to bring you back to this place in Lockport.
Unfortunately, I don't remember much else after that because, you know,
the dream.
Remember the smell.
I remember the smell.
When you're a pirate, you smell a lot of bad things.
And this place did not smell that bad.
Patches, is this the first time you've told Neelux why you love?
stole him oh no he knows oh okay so he knows uh he was well as i've explained before sir i i don't
quite recall a cabal uh requesting my presence at any time you know being an otherworldly creature
you do run into quite a few characters well tell me this neelix if that is your real name
what is a cabal?
I think we're all asking the same question.
What is a cabal?
What does that mean?
My understanding is a cabal is a secret subgroup.
You start usually working in the shadows or surreptitiously,
uh,
with an ulterior motive in my mind.
And I'm not Googling that right now.
Well,
of course you don't have Google in your bottle.
yes of course
no no no yes definitely
a very
secretive
wish I could help you more sir
unfortunately I don't
recall any meetings with
a cabal we've certainly had our
fair share run ins with
with other groups though haven't we
oh yes yes
well let me ask you this
I mean do you want to go back to this
cabal we're just kind of scouting out because you know
driftless
Driftless Wanderers kind of noise,
you know?
We just wanted to see what they wanted to begin with,
but if you don't like them, you know.
I am most happy in your service,
sir.
You see, that guy's most happy.
And he looks fabulous.
He lives in a bottle in your belt.
And it's fabulous.
Well, I can't fit in there.
Is there any risk to you,
sir?
Is there what?
If you don't return me.
Is there any risk to you if you don't return me?
We don't know yet, but we're going to find out.
threatened us.
I'm sure they did,
but we don't take kindly the threats.
And we don't answer to terrorists.
And we run
from villains.
And we also explode them.
And they're nuts.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
We gotta bring that back. It's been a while
since we nut punched anybody.
Hey, Neelix.
Yes,
Squish.
Master Squish.
Master Squish? You didn't call me
Master Juckles.
Oh, I'm sorry. Master Charles Hender.
And Master Tarquish.
Thank you.
Carry on.
What were you before you were a ghost?
I was a butler.
For who?
Oh, I served many families in Dusk of All.
And of course,
you know, I was quite sought after for my particular skills of,
you know.
Butlering?
Secrecy.
Oh,
so might say cabal-like.
Have you?
You've never been to Lockport?
Not that I'm aware of.
I've been in the bottle for quite a long time,
and you start to lose track of time there.
I know it's been quite a few years.
I know that is being lost in the bottle for a few years.
Let me tell you that.
It's hard remembering.
You certainly don't lose sense of fashion,
if I may say.
You have called on my services quite a bit.
I do enjoy getting out and seeing the world,
seeing how things have changed.
And becoming a female leviathan.
Among other female things you've asked you to be.
Among other things.
Okay.
I have quite enjoyed our adventures together.
So if these people tell us the name of, like,
past employers,
you'll be able to remember the name?
Oh, I might ring some bells.
Okay.
All right.
For example,
Fitz Clyde.
Yeah, but he was so recent.
I remember working for him.
That's true.
And before you were dead.
No, no, I was dead.
I was a dead butler.
I meant for,
like, if they bring up a name from before you were dead.
Oh,
that would be quite a while.
I'd been dead for quite a bit.
But, yes, perhaps.
My memory is not what it was, but it's also not getting any worse.
So,
you know.
Hey, Neelix.
Yeah.
Tell me a story.
What's dying like?
What's a what?
What's dying like?
Yeah, it's very scary.
I have the same question, actually,
now that you ask.
Does it hurt?
It depends how you go.
How did you go?
That is what I've been.
Oh,
that's very private.
Oh,
okay.
I'm sorry, I did not mean to overstep.
I thought we were pretty close.
You've been awfully vulnerable with us up until now.
Tell us your deepest secret.
How a man dies.
There are only two moments where a man is truly alone.
When he comes into this world and when he leaves it.
I feel like when you come into the world, there's at least one other person involved.
Not if you kill her on the way out.
Oh,
God.
You were born 200 years ago.
Is that a threat?
Gentlemen,
hide your vaginas.
Dying is like...
It's like taking a deep breath underwater
and suddenly you can breathe.
Oh, that sounds pretty good,
actually.
Someone kill me.
What if I...
Everyone,
hold your breath.
Take it.
Alright,
alright
Who can hold their breath the longest? Let's go
One, two,
three, go
Alright,
I'm out
This is great radio
Can I wander off?
When you wander off
There are
Bookstores,
potion shops
Apparel shops
All sorts of things
Anything in your heart really could reasonably
desire.
I'd like to go into the
apparel shop.
Give me a new hat.
Oh, you did give away your old hat
to that disgusting little goblin man.
What?
The goblin man.
The father-in-law to my
children.
I traded hats with him, didn't I?
You did. You took his fancy,
dumbass, like, mirror
hat,
and you gave him your
nice green chef hat.
It was leather.
It was human leather, as I recall.
That's why I wanted it so bad.
So where is it now?
As was the style of the time.
As was the style of that party we were at.
Can you guys see the shop with the cute little cat?
Well, I can.
I'm getting the cat.
You have enough animals.
You have the monkey.
You have the intern.
Yeah, how many animals do you need?
I'm getting the cat skinned for a hat.
Okay, don't say that too loud.
The cat can hear you.
You walk into this apparel shop,
and,
yeah, there's just rows and rows of fabric here.
There are some clothing that's already been made.
It is,
you know, custom-made clothing, you can tell.
but there are some off-the-shelf pieces.
And there's kind of a thin man around the corner,
or who comes around the corner,
and he goes,
Oh,
hello,
sir.
Can I help you?
Yes, I would like a hat.
A hat of a cat.
Sorry, I'm not in character.
A hat of a cat.
Are you guys coming with him into the shop,
or are you separate from this trip?
I'll walk in.
I'm going to snoop around.
yeah yeah
is Neelix still out
did I put him away
it's up to you did you put him away
yeah let's put him away
Neelix ghosts are you know
let's not scare anybody
okay
when you put him away he kind of
just like gets
sucked back into the bottle and you hear this little
sound a little pop
as he puts his cork
kind of back over his bottle
when you walk into the shop
and yeah
you know he likes his privacy
he goes
very good sir a hat
does the gentleman have a style
or a preference
I would like it to be magical
that would be kind of cool
oh a magical hat
very fancy
yeah
and I would like it
You wear this hat that I'm wearing right now fits on top of that hat,
too.
I see.
So from what I can see, sir, here, and he takes out a little measuring thing.
And he goes, I see you have a top hat.
It's a top hat, right?
It's a top hat.
I see you have a little top hat here.
And he measures around your head.
And then he measures the top of the top hat.
And he goes, very good,
sir.
Very good.
A magical hat that will fit under your top hat.
Very,
very fine.
And sir,
I must ask, do you have a fabric or color in that?
As you see, we have some custom-made objects here.
We can make anything your heart desires.
We also have things off the shelf.
And he steps over to a cabinet and he opens it up.
And inside there's just your,
you know,
a range of hats,
bowler hats, a pork pie hat, you know, random hats of different sizes.
Trudies.
I would like it to be made out of human leather.
Human leather, you say,
sir?
Yes,
do you have that?
I do
You got the beginning of it, yes you do
Do I mean it's attached?
You're awfully attached to it
I'm attached to it and it's attached to me
Human leather, you say
Human skin
Unfortunately,
sir, we don't quite carry that here
That's not a material I'm perfectly comfortable working with
I do believe there are several
Milner
haberdasheries
down
down in the main part
of town who might be able to assist you
with human leather
no I'm too lazy
what about wool
do you have wool
you do have wool
yeah can I get
you know like one of those Russian hats
that goes around the back and it's got the fur
inside
You can lift up the ear flaps.
Oh,
oh,
oh, yes.
Something for the cold weather,
perhaps.
Yeah,
I'm used to very hot weather.
And you need something for these cool Lockport nights,
I see.
Very well, sir.
Well,
I have nothing like that quite in stock,
but if you give me perhaps a day or two,
I would be happy to have something made up for you,
Perhaps,
you know, a makeshift version that we could perhaps refine and critique.
There would be,
of course, the small measure of a deposit,
sir, to hold your style.
But we could, of course, talk to him momentarily.
And you said you would like something magical,
sir.
What exactly are you thinking?
It would give me,
you know,
maybe,
I want to say advantage on like finesse or prowl.
But I don't like a camouflage hat.
A sneaky camouflage hat.
Yes.
A sneaky Russian Cossack hat.
Yes.
A camouflage Cossack hat.
Very interesting,
sir.
Well, I will tell you what.
I certainly have some fine camouflage wool.
And he pulls out a variety of like green and tan,
you know, colored wool.
And he goes, any of these suit your fancy,
sir?
Green.
All right.
And he pulls out a beautiful green.
And he's starting to write down.
He goes, all right.
Green.
Fancy.
And he starts doing this,
you know, a little bit.
You know,
kind of like you can see he's designing in his head.
How much is this going to cost?
Oh,
well,
sir, I mean, how much does luxury cost?
No more than three.
Three?
Three coin?
Yes, no more than three.
Which I will remind you,
canonically, I think he bought a restaurant for earlier.
Well,
the sir is quite generous offering such an amount.
Yes,
three will do.
We can definitely have that.
I know I didn't offer three.
I said no more than three.
Boy,
you great negotiator.
The price is three.
Can you knock it down to two?
With the extra enchantment,
and I can tell you're a man of very particular taste,
I could do two and a half.
I could drop it down to two if you want the hat only and have it enchanted yourself.
That's definitely an option.
What if I give you this other hat?
Ah, I trade.
Are you offering the hat that is on your head?
The hat that you've been wearing for months now?
Yeah, it smells good, though.
It smells like flowers.
It does not smell like onions.
It does not.
No, no, no.
No,
mine does, though.
As I said previously,
Sarah, we do not trade in human materials here,
unfortunately.
As wonderful as that hat is, and I would say would catch a fair price to some buyers.
I may not be that buyer.
Well, I guess this isn't America,
then.
We can't just sell our wares for money.
That is also not how America works.
America is not dealing human skin.
I'm trying to help you.
Fine.
Three,
but it's done by the end of the day.
Oh,
sir, you drive a hard bargain,
but yes,
I can have it done.
So it is by tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning,
sir.
Walk through the nest.
Absolutely.
I can do that.
For three coin.
All right.
You'll get one now,
two upon delivery.
Yeah.
Perfect,
sir.
Perfect.
And may I have a name for the order?
Tarquish Sunder.
I don't know why I'm writing that down.
Is someone watching Star Trek in the bag?
Yeah, it's in the background to drown out, you know, to help the dog.
Is it too loud?
Oh, I can just hear it.
I don't think it's too loud,
but it is distracting.
Oh, here, let me turn it down.
Hold on.
I don't think that moment was supposed to be triumphant
but there's just too many horns
the dog really likes Star Trek
the dog loves Star Trek
it's a weird thing
Master Thunder
we definitely will be able to get this hat to you
post-haste by tomorrow
morning, I promise,
sir.
One more thing. Monogram it.
Monogram?
With a T or an S?
Both.
That's not a monogram.
Is it a two?
I thought it was initials.
T-S, it is.
But, I mean, mono means one,
and I know that. I'm dumb as hell.
Right, but I do think you're right.
I think it is just initials.
Yes,
very well. Is there a middle initial I shall put on here too?
No.
All right.
It's just TS.
All right,
TS,
we will have this ready for you by the morrow.
Oh,
the morrow.
What is a morrow?
Thank you.
And anything else for your particularly patchy gentleman over there or the young man in the onion smelling hat?
Hey,
don't smell me.
You don't know who I am.
I don't have to.
I can spot you from here.
Ouch.
We are taking our business elsewhere.
This man is rude.
By all means,
you may look upon the wares.
You, sir, you seem to have a very gray frocked coat.
It looks a little worn for wear.
Would you perhaps prefer something in red?
I'm gray captain now.
You would know that if you were a part of our team.
um no i'm good i'm good uh why don't you assist my friends over there as i look around your wares
is he pointing to us yeah because i already yelled at him so he turns
he turns to dd and tawny and goes um
do you need anything and he begins to to talk to dd and tawny um
in trying to decipher from them uh what are you doing while he is distracted
is what's what has he got here any interest anything interesting that i could maybe steal
apparel uh i mean it's it's a wide variety of of just clothes and in apparel um he does have
like i said he has fabric to make custom materials but a lot of it is just like hats and shirts and
coats and shoes.
Well, not shoes.
Just random.
It's just a clothing
store.
I think I'm good for now.
T-shirts with band names on them?
I don't know. I was going to steal something. I thought if it had
a bottle or something I could steal, I'd steal it.
Do you want to roll a survey?
If you roll a survey and you get a good
roll,
there might be something there for you.
Alright,
I'll do that.
Survey says.
Button set.
God damn it.
sorry am i the screen got all messed up
are you having fun doing ai they're not ai these are legit pictures no yes no i mean i don't i
I mean, I just...
I'm sorry, my computer froze.
I can't do anything.
People are really buying these hats.
Sorry, it's not doing anything.
Are you...
Reload it, maybe?
Yeah, I'll reload it.
Sorry.
I mean, because eventually you're going to have to roll,
so you might as well restart here.
We take a look at all of these green hats,
these green Cossack hats.
It's amazing that there's so many.
yes it's really inspiring
the internet's a wonderful place
what do you mean why?
because they're ugly as shit
the whole point
they said
I want to go and I want to wear Oscar the Grouch
on my head
that's what I would like
can you make that happen for me
and people made it
just like
look what happened
yeah
All right, let's see.
I heard a ding in the chat.
Oh, my God.
Now, that is AI.
No wonder why your computer froze.
How many data centers did you use for that?
Yeah,
damn.
How many children went without clean drinking water?
You start peering around the store.
Now,
unfortunately,
Patches, you are not as clever as you think.
In the corner,
looks at you and kind of hisses at you and swipes at you.
And she's going to actually just tear your coat a little bit.
Oh, I thought you were going to say tear.
Can I try to steal the cat?
You can take one stress.
I'm going to steal the cat next.
Yeah, this one went so well.
Roll for it, I suppose,
but I would not recommend it.
Someone steal the cat.
I don't want the cat.
Why is everyone fixated on this cat?
I don't know.
What if it talks?
We already have a talking cat in your coat, and it's worthless.
I forgot about Paul.
I forgot his name was Paul.
You know why you forgot about him?
What a terrible name for a cat.
When a cat hisses at you,
Paul from Under Your Sweater,
Also,
hits his back.
I'm very confused because like, what the hell is that?
Oh, yeah, Paul.
That's why I'm stressed because I keep getting startled.
Yes, so it's your coat.
So you can't get rid of your coat.
I wasn't planning on getting rid of my coat.
Does Paul know anything about this cabal?
Paul has been in a pyramid for 2,000 years.
All his information is outdated.
Paul's main joke is that he doesn't know anything.
It's the most important.
Paul can answer any question that he knows the answer to.
Yeah,
that is a truism.
Go ahead, ask Paul.
I guarantee he'll just be like, I don't know.
You know what I think about this, Kamal?
I don't know.
Get back in the coat
That cat was
Shove him back in there
You guys leave the store
Squish you leave with a little
A little yellow slip
That is your receipt for the hat
And you'll need that to get the hat back
So don't get pickpocketed
Okay
Bye Juckles
I've never done that today
uh yes and you can you continue your walk down the street um as you walk there are temples here
and occasionally you will see like people outside handing out flyers um you know encouraging you to
to visit and telling you the times of service and uh trying to strike up conversations with you
um are you dodging these people or are you you just ignoring them or what are they asking me
I would like, I'm ignoring.
They're kind of just like typical hawkers where they're like, hey,
hey,
you know, do you want one?
Can I talk to you for a minute about our Lord and Savior?
I'm just going to keep taking all of the flyers, but I am not stopping to engage.
If that's possible.
Okay.
You just kind of take these out.
Yeah, just grabbing and just keep walking.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You know, I will consider it.
I'm,
you know, I'm rushing this year.
So who knows?
when you get to the end of the street ahead of you you can just barely see through the street
a domed building a white domed building this is well it's a it's a very large building
I suppose when you look at your map that you have that that the captain gave you
you realize that this is S-U-K.
This is the entrance to the university.
One second.
Get some distance from somebody.
I'm just going to go on the door.
There is a gate.
It is gated.
And since it is getting dark, the gate is locked.
Anyone want to pickpocket the gate?
Can I read the,
because I did get a couple flyers.
Are there any services that are happening like now?
Are they all like on Sunday and it's not Sunday?
Yes, absolutely.
There are services that are happening now.
Can you roll a D4?
D4.
Bridget, I got a blank screen.
I know.
I was going to move in.
Okay.
No, I just want to get sure you know.
Okay.
How do I roll this?
So,
yes, one of the flyers you've received is for the Ecclesial Gnastica.
Did you roll?
I don't know.
Oh.
Okay,
four.
Persistent.
What is going on?
I don't know.
Go away.
Stop.
What is going on?
I don't know.
Oh, clear my dice.
Yes.
So one of the church services that's going on, one of the services is called the Ecclesial Gnostica,
which you got a flyer for.
And the flyer shows this kind of,
it's got this like golden shiny paper, and maybe that's what's attracted you to it,
kind of like a gold wrapper.
And you realize that the service is happening now.
uh you guys want to check this service out i mean i i don't know anything about these cabals and or
cults or um you know any of this i i think i might check this out are you gonna get hooked
i don't know are you gonna get hooked on cults i mean i don't plan on it i mean only one of us
has gotten hooked on music.
I'm looking at you,
Squish,
when you loved that band so much.
Remember, you made us
buy that stupid CD?
We didn't even have a CD
player.
Down at the boardwalk?
You were supposed to make one.
Yeah,
well, I didn't.
Okay?
Wow.
Well,
no, it's not because
I couldn't, because I could have.
I mean, yes, I'm
sorry. I didn't do it. It's on my list of things
to do,
but you know,
it's really hard.
They're made of lasers.
And now you want to go to church.
I have a lot to atone
for.
I blew up a man's jet.
We don't know
anything about it. It's ecclesiastical,
I think is what it said.
I think it means
it's a whole cult. Wait, you don't know how to read,
but you know what ecclesiastical means?
He's got you there.
He's been
studying.
I don't know what it is.
I haven't studied.
Okay, I'll give him studying.
But ecclesiastical is a stretch too far for me to believe.
I,
as a human,
like not in character,
don't know what that means.
Listen,
it's just a fancy word for shiny paper,
which this clearly is.
I want to go to the electrical college.
Yes, the electrical classical college of shiny papers.
so deciding you're going to go to the service um you you follow the the little map directions uh
down the street and you turn and you come into uh or walk into one of the larger buildings that
you've seen it is very much more like a classic cathedral where it's got like huge spires it's a
Huge building with beautiful stained glass in the front.
And when you walk in.
Oh, my.
There we go.
Oh,
no.
Is this a Mormon church?
Mormon church?
When you walk in, yes, it is a beautifully adorned building.
Like the golden paper, the walls are glittering gold.
What does ecclesiastical Gnosticum mean?
I don't know.
I can't even begin to spell that.
Oh,
it's spelled E-C-C.
I'll just type it in.
Why am I trying to spell it?
I'm not sure that's going to help him, though.
The Christian Church's clergy or organization.
It comes from Ecclesiastes.
Yeah.
So when you walk in, yes,
it is this beautiful golden temple.
There is a large kind of pyramid shape at the center or at the end of the aisle.
There are columns.
There are stained glass.
It is a beautiful golden church.
And service is happening.
So there are people sitting in the pews.
You hear some music playing.
It's very light and very heavenly.
There's a man in a kind of just black outfit,
just black shirt,
black pants at the end of the aisle who turns and says, welcome.
Welcome,
visitors to the Church of the Ecclesiastical Gnostic.
I see you have our flyer.
Yes, we have a question.
What's this word mean?
Which word?
The one that starts me.
Yes, that one.
I think it means shiny paper.
I think it's offensive.
like you think we can't like you think we're so dumb we can't understand it yeah and that's
gonna make us come into your day but we can't right and what you think we can't read that's rude
i feel like
how dare you put this on how dare you put this on a sheet of paper by the way
uh excuse me
the the church of ecclesiastical gnostic is just a church dedicated to learning and and to
spiritual truth uh we we certainly aren't trying to bamboozle anyone here look and he turns and he
he shows you and behind the pyramid um is is just rows and rows and rows and rows and rows of books
They go all the way up to the ceiling.
It is one of the most vibrant libraries that you have ever seen.
Patches, you in particular, someone who,
Vice,
is books.
This is the most kind of books you've kind of seen all at once.
Great.
Oh, my God,
this is a real thing.
The real thing was.
Okay.
I am distracted, and I kind of wander off, like, kind of like,
oh, like, I didn't realize there were so many books in here,
and I'm, like,
kind of like a little, my anger is forgotten,
and now I'm a little shocked and odd.
Oh, this is one of them reading cults.
And brother, I see that you have our flyer.
Are you too interested in pursuing the written arts?
No.
What'd you say?
I said,
no,
I was,
I mean, to be honest,
you brought me in with the shiny paper,
but you brought me out with all the books.
Like, is this like, I'm going to have to read for all this?
I mean, I love to read,
don't get me wrong, and I'm very,
very good at it.
No, no, we,
everyone is on a different path with the written word.
We accept people at all points of their journey.
Whether you're an avid reader or a beginner level,
we allow all here.
Would you like to partake in our service today?
Well, I'm an advanced beginner,
by the way.
Some would say most advanced beginner.
Even better.
And sir,
you as well,
Squishy Talks to you.
Would you like to sit in on our service today?
Is there food?
There will be refreshments afterwards.
Is that food or drinks?
That's a good question.
Well, both.
We serve punch and mini donuts.
Donuts?
Oh,
no, I'm good.
While this is going on, can I pickpocket a book?
I would say not at this point.
I mean, service is just about to begin, and you kind of just walk to where their service is.
So you're kind of in the middle of everything.
I mean, you can try.
I'm just saying you aren't in a very subtle position.
I thought it was the ice had him distracted enough.
Okay.
Something for later.
But there's other people there, right?
Yeah, I mean, if you want to try.
What?
There's other people there, right?
I mean, the service is about to start.
Yeah,
yeah,
there are other people.
There's like probably like a dozen or so.
It's not for the size of the church that it is.
It's a rather small congregation.
But you are coming in on kind of like an off day.
This is kind of like their,
you know,
Wednesday service.
Can I roll a, I don't know what it is.
It's not perception.
It's like a survey.
I like to see what kind of people they are.
Yeah.
I have a nothing in survey
you start to look around at the people there
and you're kind of like you step forward
And the person talking to the head of this takes that as like permission,
like you're going to join.
So he kind of takes your hand and like leads you to the group where everybody else is.
And he goes, we have a new guest today.
We have a visitor here.
Brother, I'm so sorry.
Your name?
Corey.
Corey Trevor.
Brother Corey Trevor is here with us today,
and he is an advanced beginner in reading.
In reading,
yes.
And writing,
yes.
He is a beloved student of both fine arts.
Thank you.
Well,
we will go ahead and get today's sermon started.
Sister Latrine, would you like to start first?
And this woman stands up kind of mousy and,
you know,
just just a very odd looking woman,
very kind of like small.
And anyway,
she she pulls out what is clearly a handwritten book and she starts reading her own slam poetry.
Are you going to read it?
I thought you were about to read slam poetry.
Did you just ride yourself to a corner?
I gotta write
I gotta do what now?
She's ruling it
What have I done?
Kill,
kill, kill
As this is happening
You see him being grabbed
And taken away,
Squish
um are you relieving are you staying um i think i'm just gonna i'm gonna stay but like in the back
and i'm just gonna kind of skulk a boat okay so you kind of go to the to the back of the church
um and you're noticing too there's more and more books kind of along the walls most of them are
relatively high up so that's one you can just kind of pick and grab um that's only in the back uh
But you do notice there's kind of alcoves of these books.
And then patches,
you as well.
What do the books say?
Can I do a survey?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Nice.
Oh,
yeah.
I'll straighten it down.
You see that there's a wide variety of books,
but the section that you're in appears to be like a history slash like poetry section.
So it's kind of like historical poetry that you're in.
And as you look along the pages or along the bookshelves,
you see like just like history of demons,
history of ghosts,
top 10 famous ghosts you should know,
you know,
famous historical literature about ghosts.
This is like a section that you're very familiar with, both as an avid reader and as a ghost pirate.
Okay.
I'm going to keep wandering around.
Can I go upstairs?
because they're like an upstairs.
Yeah,
on the opposite side of the alcove where you are in,
so you've gone all the way to the back of the church,
there are two doorways that lead up.
Yeah, I'm going to skulk about upstairs.
All right,
he starts skulping up back.
Meanwhile,
this woman is in the middle of her slam poetry.
Fear, worry,
envy,
lust.
Greed,
habit.
vanity
my life
and they all just start
clicking and clapping
I look around
everyone else doing it then I start doing it
yeah
this is very very good
sister latrine does anyone else
have anything to share
brother
Trevor Corey do you have
anything you'd like to
sorry cory trevor
anything would you like to speak and i just i just got here
well speak from your heart uh if you if you have any sort of uh material on you uh certainly or
from our our books you're you're welcome to to pull one out uh well okay yeah uh i can just i
I mean, she just said words.
I can do that.
She just said words.
She just said words,
man.
Wow.
Shiny.
Church.
People weird.
Juckles.
Hat.
Onion.
Man.
Everyone starts clapping.
Very good.
Very, very open.
And very from the heart.
He calls up another person.
Who kind of comes up.
And he goes.
Could live.
With you.
Could you live.
With me.
Her.
Him.
Them.
Could we live.
Could I.
Could you.
Live.
With.
And there's more snapping.
And this continues for a while.
People are coming up and reading their own slam poetry.
Is this authentic?
What do you mean?
Is this real slam poetry?
Did you look this up?
I wrote mine.
Postmodern poetry.
What?
Oh.
Nice.
Squish, you said you were going to get up and look.
You were.
I'm going to go find these donuts.
Donuts.
Okay.
All right.
Go ahead and study for those.
This is the first time Andy's ever studied for donuts.
Study, not survey?
Oh, yeah.
No, survey.
Sorry.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Oh, that's not a good roll, Andy.
Partial success.
Weird.
I think this seems perfect.
Yeah.
So you,
using your innate sense of culinary technique.
I snuck.
I sniff them out?
You sniff them out.
To put it the nicest way, you sniff them out.
You start sniffing.
And since you went to the back of the church,
which in this case would be towards the front door,
there's also another pair of alcoves there.
And you have gone up to the second floor.
This is where Patches is also at.
He's in the second floor as well.
Can we see each other?
Yeah.
Well,
you you see a small room like a hallway and you see a small room on the side.
That's clearly like an office or something.
And then on the other side is is a kitchen area where you you do see the donuts.
But there is somebody in there kind of like preparing them,
putting them on a little plate,
getting them ready and putting like little like toothpicks in them to make them presentable for after service.
Patches, you are also on the second floor, and you see the same thing.
There's an office to one side and the kitchen to the other,
and you see Squish as he comes up the stairs.
I just see him wave at him.
Roll for wave.
I'm just joking.
Patches,
what do you do?
I say we go into this office.
Yeah, I'm going to check out the secret office where,
you know,
where hopefully I can find more delicious gifts.
That's where all the good books probably are.
Yeah, that's where I bet you there's nobody in there watching me,
so I can, you know.
Right, and they probably got the best donuts in there.
Yeah,
yeah.
I think, you know,
for the first time in a long time,
I think me and Squish are thinking along the same lines.
Donuts.
Okay.
The door is locked.
He's filled again.
Okay.
the game's over guys
I'm gonna try to tinker it open
yeah
okay all right
you tinker it open
but since you're not quite as good
as tinkering as some other people on your
team are you do make a little
bit of noise and as
you open the door the woman
who was serving the donuts
kind of pokes her head out
and says,
you guys need anything?
Oh, do you have the donuts in there?
Is this the washroom
with the donuts?
No.
Oh,
no,
no.
Yeah, we have the donuts.
The washroom's downstairs.
They're back on the ground floor.
Oh, what's in here?
What are you referring to?
The office.
Oh,
oh, oh.
That's Father Chaplin's office.
You don't need anything in there, do you?
Father Chapman's downstairs.
I think he's leading a service right now.
He sent me up here to look at it.
He sent me up here to get his favorite pen from his office.
His favorite pen.
If you're going to try and, like, lie to her, you're going to need to, like, try to sway her.
If you're going to try to lie to her, you better come up with something better than that.
You better,
you gotta try to manipulate her
if you're gonna try and do that.
Alright,
so what is,
what do I roll for that?
Sway.
Alright.
Oof.
You end up in a desperate situation.
What?
Yeah,
she's like,
you're looking for his favorite pet.
Well, I'll help you.
And she kind of bustles into the room,
with you.
Well, I step right in front of her.
Squish steps right in front. No, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
We can find it.
But you
just worry about those donuts
because I want one later
or four.
This man is
really serious about his donut consumption.
Yeah, look at him. While you're
talking to the assistant
upstairs,
people have gone through and they're
reading their bits of poetry
and different things.
Some people
are doing more traditional
poetry some it's very off the cuff uh and as as things kind of think and doing about this uh
chuckles are you enjoying yourself yeah i'm getting really into it i'm wearing a beret
and uh i'm sitting like cross-legged like a what do they call it like indian style
and uh i'm just snapping up a storm i get caught up in the moment
Well,
it looks like we're going to have to rescue him from this cult.
Maybe Juggles is happy.
I think we sent the wrong person to do it with the cult people.
Turns out our most susceptible person is not really good against cults.
Yeah, you came in wearing your normal clothes,
and now you're dressed like the rest of them,
which is in a black turtleneck and a black beret.
You know,
their style of dress.
So you guys are upstairs with the assistant.
She's not convinced,
but also not convinced that you guys are in the office.
She's going to go in the office with you if you do try to go in there,
unless you want to try and do something else to dissuade her from doing that.
Well, I'm going to try to sway her to get back to the donuts.
Okay.
By telling her, you know, like,
no,
go get the donuts.
It's fine.
These people,
they really want the donuts.
Yeah, tell her, tell her, tell her, like,
that they're going to cause an uprising if they don't get their donuts.
Yeah, they're, I mean.
They're really hungry from slam poetry.
You got to get all that excess white powder,
white confectioner's sugar off so it doesn't get all over their nice black clothes.
He's not wrong,
man.
It's a very serious situation downstairs.
I think the past, I think you'd need a better serve Del going down there.
we'll handle a pen situation
if he fails a roll can I offer
can I offer a suggestion
maybe
narratively
okay
did he fail it
who
you want me to roll sway
yeah if one of you wants to roll sway
and the other wants to take a stress to boost
it like with the two of you working together
You can definitely do that.
I got four in sweat.
I don't think I can take any more stress.
Yeah, I got like three more.
I'm pretty stressed already, it turns out.
Success.
At the mention of the white powder,
she's just like, oh my god, you're right.
I didn't de-powder the donuts.
And she runs back into the kitchen.
I like the idea that you have to de-powder them.
And she's taking,
like, a paper towel and, like,
tapping the side of them to get the dust out.
Because as somebody who does wear black a lot, powdered donuts are a real giveaway that you've been snacking in black.
That you've been eating donuts.
You know, I've been caught with one.
So she goes to depowder the donuts and serve the crew downstairs.
You guys are now free in Father Chamberlain's office.
Oh, I'm going in that office.
Okay.
Inside the office,
you see it's kind of just filled with books,
as you can imagine.
There is, like, a large cabinet in the office.
Patches, roll a study for me.
You have no idea what this thing is.
The books?
No,
the cabin tree that is locked.
There's just one large piece of it.
There's his desk,
which is piled with papers and other things.
And there's this large cabinet in his office that you recognize is something important, but it is locked.
All right.
I go up to it,
and I squished.
Does this look familiar to you?
No, not that I can see.
It looks like some kind of cabinet.
Did you try opening it?
Is it locked?
You said it's locked.
It is.
It's locked.
Did we try another tinker?
I mean, how good's your tinker?
One.
I think it's better than mine, actually.
Don't you guys have a tinker on your team?
But he's downstairs getting involved in a cult.
They've got bongos.
He's downstairs being brainwashed.
I'm going to try to tinker it.
I didn't do it.
Kate, can we ask...
Go ahead.
In your attempt to tinker,
you guys were really just pulling
cabinet drawers,
both of you,
and
you're going to cause
the lady with the donuts to pop her head in
and say,
oh,
you guys need something in here?
Yeah, it's pens.
It's in this cabinet.
Oh,
no, I think it's that one, and she points
to the desk where there's just, like, a quill
sitting in an ink pot. She goes,
I think it's that one.
Here,
you bring it with me, and we'll go have donuts
together.
all right i i get the pen and i lead her outside and leaving uh patches in the office
uh you go down the stairs and uh the the readings have started to kind of slow down
uh father chamberlain looks around and he goes oh this is just just absolutely wonderful
It's one thing to read.
It's another thing to create.
And together,
we're able to do that today.
I thank everyone here for their wonderful time.
Sister Moraine has now come in with the refreshments on her little tray.
Powdered and everything.
Deep powdered.
And she starts handing them out to everyone with your little,
like,
cup of,
like,
punch as well.
You,
Squish,
see Chuckles in his beret and his black turtleneck and his little, like,
sunglasses that he now has on.
He's really been drinking deep of the punch.
Oh,
my God.
And you make eye contact with him.
Listen, you gotta try this punch.
I just put my face in my hand.
You got...
Wait, hold on.
Is this...
You gotta try this...
Don't drink the gun.
You guys gotta try this cult.
It's great.
You're gonna love it.
They have an answer for everything.
Really, is this whole,
like, ceremony...
Is it...
Sermon, is it over already?
I thought we were just getting started.
I was just starting to find my groove.
Oh, uh...
Father...
Brother Corey Trevor has...
has something he'd like to say would you have you have you felt moved to add more yes uh yes
brother check out this riff and i started playing my my bongos and i'm like that's coming from the
heart man you know sloth you have bongos uh well i was looking at this picture of flanders and i
was imagining i was like him and uh i assumed i have either bongos or i'm playing my thighs like
bongos because that's what i guessed you were given a uh ukulele no that was a different arc
you still have it i think i feel like you've mentioned you have bongos before this is not
the first time bongos have come up on this i feel like bongos are pretty common in cults though
Yes,
it's a bongo-centric organization.
I mean, I've heard about that.
He's not wrong.
I think bongos are the most common instrument to see in cults.
Everyone knows it.
Roll your finesse for your bongo playing.
Yes, roll for bongos.
He can't be this.
Roll for bongos.
I like that for bongo.
Don't make it for bongo.
Bongo.
I need teepee for my bongo
so you're bongo playing
you know you really get into it
you're you know really pounding it out
with feeling
and it's actually really good
like everyone's kind of just stopped
and stared at you
but Father Chamberlain is like
this is not the place for music sir
This is the ecclesiastical Gnostica.
What the hell are these bongos for?
You brought that?
I think you are.
Bongos are for playing,
man.
Wait.
You've kind of drawn everyone's attention to you as you played your bongos.
You have broken a slight taboo here,
which is that this is a place of reading and learning.
not really music. Self-reflection.
You haven't really heard any music
that you,
now that you've been here, you kind of notice that it's eerily
quiet.
Much like a library,
bongo playing is not allowed.
So you're now kind of painful
in this taboo.
Meanwhile, Patches,
you're upstairs.
He looks to open up the cabinet.
You can command him, yeah,
to try and open it.
Or...
Yeah, I just want to steal something today.
I'm feeling Randy.
Okay.
So I pull him out.
He comes out, pump a smoke, and I give him a strong command.
And Neelix, I need to get in this here cabinet.
Yeah,
yeah, roll your command.
Neelix, command,
go.
Marshall.
Neelix kind of like
disapparates into
just like instead of his normal form,
he just kind of becomes a puff of smoke
and he goes into the lock
and he's like rooting around in there
and you hear kind of muffled.
He's like,
it's just a bunch of cards,
sir.
Or can you get him out of the lock?
And he kind of like,
you know,
fumbles with it.
And he goes, I don't think I could do a lot of the locks,
sir.
Do you have a specific name you want me to look up or something?
You've now realized that this is a card catalog.
Oh.
So all those individual drawers are like, have like a name or something on it.
He goes, I don't really think I could open a locks.
I could try to grab a card.
Do you have a name or something I can find?
Neelix.
Look up your own name,
Neelix.
So he roots around a little bit.
And he goes, ah,
here I am, sir.
And you see his, like,
gray little misty form come out.
And he has this card.
But because he's slightly discorporeal, he can't really pull very hard.
Anyway, the point is he rips the card as he pulls it out.
But what he hands you is a card that says Neelix on it,
and it has the name or the partial name of a book.
Okay, what's the partial?
History of Ghosts volume,
but the volume number has been ripped off.
Oh, didn't I see a History of Ghosts earlier when I surveyed the books?
You did see a history of ghosts earlier.
Yeah, there can't be that many of them.
How long have ghosts been around?
I'm going after that history.
Hundreds of years.
Literally hundreds.
Okay,
so can I start?
First off, Neelix, were you part of this church?
I just took a stab in the dark.
Go ahead, sir.
No,
sir, I don't believe that I am.
Then why was your name in the catalog?
It's a card catalog,
sir.
It has many topics in it.
Oh,
I see.
I saw one about elephants.
I don't think there's elephants in this church.
I see what you mean.
Okay.
Well,
then,
Neelix,
I think I saw a book about the history of it.
Do you want to go look for it?
Me, sir?
You want me to go downstairs and look for it?
No, no, no.
Okay,
okay.
I guess I'll put you away.
That's a good idea.
That's probably a bad idea to have you out.
These people are probably...
Look up your own name.
I swear I saw earlier, though,
a history of books,
so I'm going to try to find that.
History of books?
History of demons.
History of ghosts.
Ghosts, ghosts,
yeah, that's what it was.
So you decide to head back downstairs.
Meanwhile,
have you continued your bongo playing?
No,
I'm sort of looking around a little uncomfortable
because maybe I kind of lost myself in the bongo playing.
Everyone's staring at me in not a good way.
Slowly takes off his beret.
I take off my beret and I stiffen my collar
and sort of just look around.
Squish, you came downstairs with the tray of donuts
with Sister Moraine.
No, no, no. Donuts were naked.
What have you...
Yeah,
okay.
I was like, wait a minute.
What happened in that stairwell?
You have, of course,
you have a donut
that you've eaten,
but you have just seen
kind of this little taboo
that's been performed.
Do you have any
response to it?
I just go over to him and go, alright,
it's time to go. You embarrassed yourself
enough.
I don't want to go,
though.
I feel like I belong, except
for this one thing that I did. No, you don't.
Come on.
Oh,
come on.
I take one of those powdered donuts
that wasn't de-powdered enough
and I shake it all over
his
turtleneck.
Oh,
man.
Come on, let's roll.
Yeah, you have this
powder in here.
Patches, you have also now
joined the main floor.
You went up the
front of the church,
So you're kind of standing,
you know,
when you come down, you can see everybody else is nearby standing a few feet ahead of you.
Okay.
I'm looking through the bookshelves looking for that one book I saw earlier.
History of Ghosts Volume.
Should I run a, what?
History of Ghosts Volume X, Volume question mark.
Yeah.
Should I run another survey or?
I mean, you got a critical,
so I'm going to say you do still know where that book is.
You kind of run back to where you initially saw it.
But to your dismay,
you see that there are 20 volumes of this book.
How many can I steal?
How big are your pants?
How good is your prowess?
My prowess?
I mean, if you want to try and steal all 20 volumes,
that's going to be very difficult.
But yeah, roll your prowess if you want to do that.
Or if you want to try some other way of discerning what you need.
You have Funkin' Wagnalls.
So we didn't get the number,
though?
That's the thing?
We didn't get the number?
You did not get the number.
Oh,
man.
What do you guys think?
I'm outside of game.
I'm kind of having to draw a blank on what I should do.
I think we should go.
We should help him.
Just take a random number.
Maybe I'll just take a random.
What's a good number?
10?
That's like X in Roman numerals.
That is a fact.
Can you look at like,
are the volumes chronological?
Are they what?
Chronological?
Yeah.
Do they have years on them somewhere?
Or in like letter volume.
Yeah.
Are they what?
I'm sorry.
You both broke up.
Do you know anything about the volumes?
Are they alphabetical? Are they by year?
I mean, we know those two things about Neelix.
All right. Well,
I open up the 10.
I take a random one. I just pick it out and just take a look at it.
And is it alphabetical,
Bridget?
Study it.
Hold on.
What is your study? It's got to be good, right?
Oh, no. It's only one.
odds are even Brandon
even
you idiot
oh wait no four is even
alphabetical
what does Neelich start with
could be anything
well that's funny because I picked number 10
and if it's alphabetical that's like halfway through
right I mean
although there are 26 letters
are there 26 volumes
no there's 20 volumes but i'll say this so yeah you you quickly glance at the volumes you pull
number x out uh and you see that like yes okay this is a uh it's in alphabetical order uh so you
pick out because it's the middle of the alphabet i don't know like n no not n i'm gonna say
Q.
You pick
letter
V.
M.
P.
Yeah,
P.
You pick it.
You know enough now that you can
discern which book you need.
I start looking up my own name.
Are you a ghost?
But when you do
when you grab the book
from the
counter
you are now standing amongst other people.
They can see what you're doing.
So,
you know,
think about that.
What?
I'm reading.
Go back to your mongos.
Isn't that what you freaks do?
Go back to your donuts.
I'm busy reading.
Did somebody say mongos?
I thought this was America.
All right.
Can I go up to him after hearing that?
Did you get what you needed?
Yeah,
you step away and go to Patches and ask if he's done yet.
Still dragging Juggles by his ear.
Yes.
So if I got the letter P,
maybe I just go grab,
you know,
volume 8 then?
Wouldn't that be like, you know, probably where the letter N would be?
It could be anything.
Well, if you're looking for Neelix, he'd be under N.
What even is that?
It's not even a one-to-one.
It's a letter.
It's mostly alphabetical.
You know you need to pick an end book.
You know you can determine
which one it is, but you need some time
to look at it.
Does anyone need a distraction?
Yeah.
Distract.
Yeah, go distract them with your bongos.
Go rip-roar, buddy.
Go bong it out.
I'm going to jump up on a pew and I'm going to start.
Yeah, I'm going to start wailing on those bongos.
Hey, I'm not done.
I got some sick ass feelings and,
you know, agnosticism and ecclesiastical sisters.
And I'm going to I'm going to and you got to hear it.
And then I just start wailing.
I got blisters on my sisters.
Yeah.
Magic mountain,
baby.
Roll your finesse.
Depending on how well you do, that'll either give him a boost or not.
All right.
For finding the book.
You start wailing on those bongos.
And for a moment,
all eyes are drawn completely to you.
squish and patches,
you now have time
to kind of do what you need to do.
Squish, start looking for the little N.
Okay,
so I pick up
eight.
I start looking through eight
and see if it's bad.
But you didn't do it yet.
You needed the distraction.
No, no, I said that's good.
I just thought you were smart.
You're smart for taking my head deep.
That's right.
One of you,
whichever one, roll your study and you can get a bonus for Chuckle Sick playing.
Well, my study is zero.
Or survey, sorry, survey.
Oh, survey,
I've got three in.
Yeah, because you know what you need to find.
You just need to find it and you need to find it quickly.
Okay.
So who's surveying?
Uh-oh.
Oh,
that's a really good one.
Yeah, write it down.
with your demon eyes.
You pinpoint
the book that you need
and with a quick
stealth. Was it number eight?
Number eight.
You thought it was.
I don't even open it and look.
I just pull it out and I throw it into my jacket.
Yeah,
yeah.
There's no
looking. You just, you're like
one simple movement, boom,
it's
in your jacket.
And everyone's
like, everyone's impressed by that.
everyone
nobody sees you do it
except for Patches.
And he is very impressed
by that.
Yeah,
I want to steal a book
now too. Why does he get to steal a book?
I want to steal a book.
I'm going to steal two.
You can get this book later.
I will give you this book later.
No, I'm stealing
nine and ten.
Alright,
steal a book. Finesse it.
Finesse it.
Congratulations,
you've been arrested.
Don't tell me
how to do my business.
I have very fine finesse.
No,
no, you don't.
Not this time.
I dropped the books.
Hoppers.
Yeah,
sure,
yeah, you grab the books,
and you're so proud of yourself that you spin,
but you kind of, like, trip on your coat,
and you drop the books.
And if you've ever dropped the books in a big, loud, empty building,
it just makes so much noise.
Everyone stopped bongo playing.
Everyone.
It was just me.
And they now look.
Well,
you stopped bongo playing, but everyone's now distracted.
They turn away from you,
and they look, and they see Patches, you standing there,
hands in the air.
I left the aisle as soon as he went to go for him.
I was like, I'm gone.
Books on the ground.
Yeah,
yeah.
Squish is skedaddled away.
And they go, Father Chamberlain points and he goes, what are you doing?
I thought I was checking out.
Was I not supposed to do that?
If I had known, I would never have done that.
He kind of barges his way towards the front and he picks up his books.
And he looks at you and he goes, where did you?
I came off the street.
I had a flyer.
Yeah?
Yeah.
All right.
Well,
we'll be going.
And you came to participate today?
Oh, I did participate.
I was just doing some light research,
you know.
I pick up the books.
Did he have the books or did he pick them up?
He picked them up.
Here, let me put them back.
I'll put them back.
All right.
I'm sorry.
He starts kind of slapping your hands away,
and he nods to one of the other parishioners,
and she's kind of like hurrying down the aisle to go shut the door.
I panic, and I punch the guy in the face.
I was already sneaking out the door.
All right.
Roll your brawl, and then,
Squish, if you want to roll your prowl.
Prowl.
I don't have a brawl.
I have a wreck.
Is that what you mean?
Oh,
I'm sorry.
Okay, let me do that.
Hold on.
Let me just double check which one it is.
Skirmish, you mean?
Sorry, skirmish.
Skirmish.
Skirmish, skirmish, skirmish.
All right.
Are you sure?
I feel like wreck is a punch.
You miss,
and he catches your arm as you go to punch him,
and he goes, guards,
guards,
call the guard up.
Now, you've seen all of this,
Patches.
You've seen your beautiful performance interrupted.
Chuckles.
Sorry, Chuckles, sorry.
You've seen your performance interrupted, Chuckles.
uh by patches um eyes are no longer on you uh squish has headed towards the door um he's managed
to kind of slip out but not completely unseen people did see him slip out um what's your
response to all this oh my response is always just to hit the floor
to duck yeah yep just you know like just get on just start crawling around
okay uh you uh you sense the tension in the room and you drop the bongos and slide underneath a
pew uh patches you're being held by the arm um and some of the other parishioners are now
like running towards the door,
towards the street where they're going to yell for the Garda.
Okay.
If I kick the guy,
if I kick the guy in the balls,
is that skirmish or is that wreck?
That can be wreck.
We've determined that ball kicking is wreck.
Ball kicking is wreck.
That was ball punching.
Oh, yeah.
Ball wrecking.
How about we call it that?
I'm ball wrecking.
I kick him in the knee.
Yeah.
You kick him and you get enough to kind of pull your arm away so he's not grabbing you anymore.
But there are a group of parishioners still between you and the door.
I kick him in the knee and I start running.
Did he drop the books?
Can I grab the books still?
No,
he did not.
I just want a book.
Let me have a book.
Let me have number eight.
No, number ten.
uh fine i'll say this if you can do a finesse and grab the book on your way out you can you
can get it finessing it finesse i'm running i'm running i finesse i trip and roll oh that's
really bad oh god what the fuck i've had like shitty rolls man yeah you you trip uh on your
way to grab the book uh and you kind of land in the middle of the aisle um any forward momentum
you have is gone uh you feel the arms of the prisoners grab you as they try to like hold you
unhand me a cum um what's the charge
stealing a fine succulent meal this man a succulent chinese meal meal do not touch my penis
Squish,
you kind of sidled out of the door right before it closed.
But you do the cry for for Garda for the police has been raised already.
And they you can kind of hear other people yelling police,
police,
police.
What's your next step?
I'm going to stand in front of the doors and wait for the police to come to point them to a different church or building.
no no it wasn't this one it was that one down the street
okay uh the first kind of beat cop shows up and he's panting and he's like in here and he goes to
go through the door um how do you dissuade him i say no no it wasn't us it it was from over there
and I point three
churches down.
Three doors down.
Okay.
You're going to try to
kind of like lie to him,
right?
Yeah.
Okay,
go ahead and throw your sway.
You've managed,
he turns down and he does one of these
and he's like,
oh god i knew it the church of the downward dog they're always into some shit and he starts running
down the street um towards towards the uh temple that you've pointed out um so the guards are going
to be distracted for now eventually they're going to get there and realize there's nothing there and
that you've lied to them um you are on chuckles you're under the the pew yeah yeah i'm just kind
of waiting to see how this plays out uh i'm seeing i'm seeing uh patches getting uh carted away
yelling something about a succulent Chinese meal,
which is nothing I know anything about.
Yeah, when he fell,
he kind of fell with his head turned.
And you two locked eyes for just a second.
He just gives me a look.
They do not leave me.
And I give him a look because I'm going to leave you.
So they pick up patches by the shoulders.
And I will say this, patches.
These are not policemen.
Yeah, they're church people.
Poetry.
Poetry slamming church people.
Poetry church people.
Yeah,
church people.
So they're not like beating you up, but there's enough of them.
You are unable to fight them off just by swinging around.
They picked you up, and they have taken you to one of the pews,
and they've sat you down,
and there are people holding your arms and holding your shoulders
while you struggle.
but they will not let you go.
I bite one?
Oh yeah, he's going low.
Yeah,
yeah.
If you,
okay, go ahead and
I guess that's skirmish.
I'd call that hunt.
Is your hunt any better?
No, it's worse actually.
I'd call that succulent.
You bite the hand of the person closest to you.
Is it the guy in need?
Is it the priest?
Yeah,
it's the one.
That priest has got to come.
You bite his arm,
his hand real good.
He jerks it away.
Don't be clear.
I've tried to punch him in the face.
I've kicked him in the knee, and now I've bit his head.
Do you say anything once you've bitten him?
Unhand me, beast!
I'll unhand you!
And I start biting some more like a rabid dog.
He pulls his arm back.
And the other people are still holding on to you, but are a bit more wary now.
Squish, you're still outside.
You've seen these other guards are headed towards the temple of the downward dog.
Yeah.
Can I just point at the one guard that I already led away and say,
follow him, follow him.
He knows exactly where to go.
Yeah.
You're keeping them distracted or at least pointed in the wrong direction.
Other people have come to the street now,
too, because they've heard this commotion.
And they're following your lead squish.
And they're like, yeah, yeah,
that one, that one.
um are you still hiding under the pew uh uh treckles i feel like people have either gone
towards squish or towards patches because they're carting patches off towards that was a big bite
to uh the front
yeah so they they've taken him um squish has left towards the back um the front of the oh the front
of the building. Yeah, which is like the back of the church.
You know, church is like, yeah.
And then they have
patches sitting
towards the front, like the front first pew.
You're kind of in between these two.
And you have been forgotten in the chaos.
Alright.
Boy.
I kind of want to just keep hiding.
I don't really know which way to go.
I guess...
Why don't you help your good old friend,
the gray captain?
Why?
In some way.
All right.
Can I,
so I could probably sneak up.
Oh, I can sneak up like to his pew from under the pews.
So I can just walk under,
under, under until I'm like into the pew he's in.
Yeah, they'll sneak away under the pews.
Yeah, they'll never see it coming.
Like a little kid,
you know,
being naughty in church.
Yep,
and eating crumbs.
You're sneaking under the pews.
All right.
How many people are grabbing me?
Are there a lot of them?
I'm going to say there's four people who have grabbed you,
one holding each of your extremities.
And there's probably four more that are standing around.
So there's one guy on his left arm, one guy in his right arm, one guy in his left leg, and one guy in his right leg.
Are they on the ground?
Are they going to see me?
Well, like holding,
like, I guess holding him.
Yeah.
You know, there are people making sure he cannot get up.
Junkles, you should bite them.
That's your answer to everything.
And also, you're not here.
i don't know i'm trying to come up with ideas he is there yeah but he can't he doesn't see me
coming i'm a little i'm a little squirrel and so i'd like to sneak up to behind him the
the pew that he's in i want to give a judo chop to the uh weakest looking man that's got him you
know arrested yeah all right yeah so that since that's an extension of your nut punch go ahead
throw your rack all right but this is in the this is in the um the neck area like an austin powers
dodo chop yeah no no yeah
nice you right into this guy's neck um and he goes down like a sack of potato holy crap and in shock
everyone's now turned to see you.
I'm also shocked.
And you're,
they're not fighting people.
These are poetry slamming church goers
that just watched a man get judo chopped.
Yeah.
You saw what I did to a pair of bongos.
You saw what I did to this man.
You want a piece of this?
There's plenty more where that came from.
And I hold up my hand.
They have dropped their grip.
They've dropped their, in surprise,
they've let go of you patches in the judo trap.
all right i go underneath i don't i like i like i drop underneath the pews like
and start crawling away as fast as i can all right well yeah then i drop i guess and we start
crawling towards the uh the back of the well the front door of the church
okay okay back to you in just a second um squish meanwhile the meanwhile the guards have all kind
of gathered at the door,
the temple of the downward dog,
and they're banging on the door
and they go in.
You see them all kind of rush in.
You know that momentarily they're going to realize there's nothing going on.
Their church isn't even in service.
They're going to leave.
They're probably going to head back your way.
Are you going to stand and still stand in front of the door?
No, I'm actually going to run over there and I'm going to put something in the door handles
so they can't come out.
They're going to lock the cops in the other church.
What would you be putting in the door?
Like to block it?
Yeah, to make sure you put a broomstick in there.
Or a big green hat.
Okay.
Is this something you have on you or something you find in the street?
I would say probably there's someone raking leaves somewhere on the way.
Yeah, go ahead.
As rake, I throw it in there.
Yeah, go ahead and do your survey to see what you can find on the street real quick.
Right.
You find a poor man just trying to rake up some leaves out of the street,
and you grab his rake, and you just jam it into the handles of the church.
Then I'll run back to the one that everyone's in.
Okay.
You guys are kind of scrambling your way under the chairs.
I see you know you're true.
Let me take a look.
Have you ever crawled in church before?
Oh, yeah, all the time.
It's my favorite thing to do.
It's really disgusting down there.
But sometimes every once in a while,
you know,
you escape church.
There's a lot more popcorn than you would expect.
That's not popcorn.
Each of you throw your finesse to see how far you're able to get from the judo trap.
Should be...
How far you're able to get through the church.
Okay.
Rather than prowl?
I mean, if you'd like to do prowl instead, you definitely could.
I would.
But,
I mean...
Okay.
You guys are able to, like,
sneak about, like,
halfway underneath the...
You get pretty far underneath the pews before the group kind of realizes what has happened and where you've gone.
I'm not going to say they don't know where you are,
but they,
you know, they start running up and down the pews trying to figure out which section you're under.
They kind of have an idea of what you've done.
So they start,
you know,
running down the pews,
looking underneath them to see if they can see you guys.
Where do we go?
You've been here before, right?
What? No.
I've never been here before.
I just found this place.
We're just going towards the door.
Front door.
Sorry.
I'm going to jump out from under the pews
and just start booking it.
Like sprinting.
Like the running man.
Towards the front door.
Sure.
Okay.
And then Patches, you?
Yeah, I'm going to do the same thing.
I'm like, you can't leave me here.
All right.
Well, I can't do everything.
Follow me.
Hold you?
No, don't hold me.
Yeah.
So you guys pop up and you decide,
boom, you're going to bolt towards the door.
Just roll one more finesse.
See if you make it to the door without issue.
Patches, in a sudden display of, like,
you've really fumbled this entire thing.
Everything you've done so far has been a failure.
It's been terrible.
In a moment of pure athleticism,
you bolt straight towards the door.
And like Usain Bolt, the perfect running,
you just make it there.
And for one, I will say,
for once,
Chuckles, you are kind of impressed a little.
The captain's not known for his athletic skill.
Can I just imagine I'm like, I like fly up, I throw up a pew and I start running across the pews.
Is that how?
And you pick me up too because I was successful,
but I did stumble a bit and you pick me up by my scruff.
Scruff.
Hey!
Yeah, you kind of, you pick him up as you go and you just,
you bolt out of the door.
So you open the doors to the street with a bang as you run through them.
And I'm assuming you shut the doors behind you.
Squish, are you still over by the other temple or you've run back now?
No, I think as soon as I started running back towards it, that's when they come out.
I just go around going this way.
Right.
So the three of you meet in the street and the temple down the way, the one that you've blocked, you can hear the police starting to like push and yell and shout and trying to get their way out.
All you hear is dogs barking.
What do the three of you do at this moment?
You've all met up.
You have the book.
You're safe for the moment.
Where do you go?
What do you do?
You should probably try to find somewhere to lay low.
or a hotel or an inn
alright I'm following you
or we can go back to the ship
which is probably not a good idea
because we've caused quite a ruckus getting in here
at least we didn't blow it up
yet
we can blow it up
you guys start running down
kind of the streets
you twist and you turn
you're still staying in the high street
area but you're trying to get off the main
drag and you see
a sign that says
Tia Jack leans and that's where you guys
decide you're going to dip into
hold on
I don't want to hear it
I know
why does it do that?
do you guys know?
No,
because there's like,
when you're configuring the screen,
there's one check mark you have to do, and I always forget it.
Do you see it now?
No.
Nope.
Okay,
cool.
Our characters aren't in the same time.
You guys blacked out.
Yeah.
Does that help?
All right, showing visibility.
There you go.
All right, there it is.
Yeah.
You see this bar called Tia Jacqueline's or a sign above building Tia Jacqueline's and you guys turn in,
shut the door behind you.
And it is a nicer bar than you guys have been in before.
You're used to kind of slumming it up.
This is a little bit of a nicer,
not even a little bit, very much a nicer place.
Not so much that you're going to stand out immediately for not having a jacket and a hat,
but you guys are definitely in a more fancy place than you're used to.
and while you catch your breaths
you kind of crawl
into a booth
table together
and you sit around the table
realizing that you've just
within the first day of you being in town
have already caused mischief
yeah mischief but
I mean it was good honest mischief so what
I made a taboo what I don't know
I felt like the bongos would fit in
I just wanted a book
I really think that I could have fit in there
If I had just been given a chance
I think you're fitting in fine son
Until you started playing the bongos
I was grooving man
You had to be there
Yeah but that's not
I was there
They didn't accept it
Yeah but you weren't there there
You weren't present man
If you had been present like I was
I saw you do it
Yeah,
but you weren't where I was.
I'm telling you, that moment needed bongos.
Not to them.
It turns out.
It was impossible to know, though.
It was worth a shot.
All right.
So should we try to get a room here for the night?
I think we should look in that book.
Are there any pictures?
Yeah, I want to see what it says about the Elex in that book.
Yeah, I pull out and I give him the book.
Me?
So there's your damn book.
What am I going to do with this?
Thank you.
I hold it upside down.
Can I read it, Bridget?
You open up the book
and you go to the index
and you see the name Neelix.
And you go, ah,
you know.
And you flip to that section
of the book
and the pages for Neelix's entry
have been ripped out.
Son of a bitch!
I'm all pissed
and I slam the book down.
Wait,
hold on.
Did we get the other books or just the one?
Did you drop the other two?
Oh,
my club.
I fell.
I tried.
I rolled.
I hurt my knee.
No stress,
though.
So now what?
What's the next thing after Neelix?
Yeah, what's the next letter,
Bridget?
What's under Neelix?
Neewod.
What does it say for Neewod?
It says a minor demon located in Duskfall.
Maybe we should try to find Neewod.
Maybe this Neewod knows.
You slam the book down in frustration,
angry at what you've seen.
But when you do that, you kind of flip to the front cover.
The front cover opens,
and you see that there's an old card in there.
This has been a library book.
This is the card people used to fill out with their names so they knew who took it out.
And you pull it out, and there's a list of names on the book in the card.
I bet you one of these guys has the ripped pages.
I bet he's Neelix.
Who was the last person to check it out?
Was it Neelix?
Who was the last person,
Bridget?
Was it Neewod?
I bet you it's Neewod.
I won't get it.
The last name, there's lots of names on it, but one of the last names you realize,
not the last, but the second to last,
is Westervale.
The school?
Wait.
That's the same thing that was written on the back of the map.
Yeah, I thought Westervale was a school.
Oh, no, that's Souk.
So Westervale's a name?
It's not Souk. It's Souk. Everybody knows that.
I am so confused.
What?
Are you asking me?
No, we're yelling at the book.
Westervale, yeah.
Westervale's the name.
Tell us your secrets.
No.
Where is Westervale University?
Who the hell is Westervale?
I don't know.
Can we ask Tia Jacqueline?
Tia Jacqueline?
Yeah.
Tia Jacqueline?
You go to the bar,
and behind the bar is a portrait.
And in a fine dress.
But the bartender is just a normal-looking guy cleaning glasses,
and he goes, oh,
can I get you guys something?
Yeah.
Do you know who Westervale is?
who
Wester Vale
name doesn't sound
familiar you got something
something else something more
I think he was part of the
suck
oh
yeah
Society of Universal Knowledge
it's that big university just up the street
there you didn't see the big white dome
when you walked in
no we were kind of distracted
And it's closed.
Oh,
yeah.
It's just like down the street there, just a couple of blocks.
I think they're closed right now.
It's getting dark.
They kind of closed early, a bunch of losers.
But,
yeah, you can check there,
I guess.
I don't know.
Do you get any of, like, the students in here at all?
Oh, all the time.
They always want, like, really ninny drinks,
too.
Are there any in here now?
He looks around.
And you do see that there are a couple of people there that look like students.
They're younger.
They have kind of the jumpers on that say, you know, SUK.
He goes, yeah, I mean, there's a couple over there.
All right.
I go over to them and ask them,
who or what is a Westervale?
And they kind of look at you and they're like, you mean Professor Vale?
What's his first name?
I don't know.
Sir.
They kind of look at each other like
it just says W on my
class schedule.
That must be him.
Take us to him.
You guys know where he lives?
I know.
That's where your professor lives.
He works at
Suck.
What does he teach?
As soon as I say that I shout that from
behind.
What suck?
And you hear also
In the tavern
Lockboard slap
He teaches
History of duskfall
Oh okay
We should probably go look for that
Thank you
You guys end up breaking into places
No?
Alright
Have a good night
Do you guys get an A if your teacher dies
they all look at each other like what what i think that's a rule right i mean if your professor
dies midway through the semester you everyone gets an a no that's if your roommate dies it could be
if your teacher and that's only a movie called what was that movie called now that's gonna bug
me it's like the end of college but yes no they look at each other they look at each other somewhat
horrified and kind of like start like backing away from you because you are just random men
come up and ask through their professors and if they get an a if he dies i'm just saying you
have an incentive to kill him so why don't you come with us you know join our cause
why don't you join our crew
in the night they roam
solving woes with fire and slow
with a clash and a crash and a twist of fate explosions mark the hours never late
Never later
It was voted best captain one time
Right after that mutiny
The whole crew loved me
But I am my crew
And I am difficult to manage